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The human being takes longer to mature than any other animal. An antelope can drop out of its mother's womb, stand, and master the basics of running and eating in a matter of hours. Human babies, in contrast, must depend helplessly on other humans for many months. A baby cannot truly become a person apart from human relationships.
The truth is, we become who we are because of those relationships. We do not enter the world as discrete "minds" dropped magically into waiting bodies. Our experiences, mainly our relationships, form us as persons. Feral children, those rare but documented cases of children raised by wild animals, never truly develop the ability to relate to others; they can hardly be classified as "persons" in any meaningful sense. Similarly, psychologists have studied children who were locked in closets for years in grotesque instances of child abuse. These children too never develop language skills, and seem permanently stunted.
In a parallel way, I conceive of the spiritual life as a capacity built into the human person, but one that can only develop in relationship with God. Although we all have the capacity, which reveals itself in spiritual thirst, it will remain unfulfilled until we make contact, and then develop the skills of spiritual "correspondence." Considered in this way, Jesus' striking image of being born again makes perfect sense. Conversion, the process of connecting to spiritual reality, awakens the potential of brand new life. And as God's children we become who we are through relationship with God and God's people.
I think of the person who has influenced my Christian life more than any other: Dr. Paul Brand. Over a 15-year period, I wrote three books with Dr. Brand. I accompanied him on trips to India and England, where together we re-traced the key events in his life. I spent many hundreds of hours asking him every question I could think of. I interviewed his former patients, his colleagues, his family, his operating-room scrub nurses (the very best source, I found, to learn the truth about a surgeon!). Dr. Brand is both a good and a great man, and I have everlasting gratitude for the time we spent together. At a stage in my spiritual development when I had little confidence in writing about my own faith, I had absolute confidence in writing about his.
I changed because of my relationship with Dr. Brand; he became a channel of spiritual growth for me. My faith grew as I had an up-close living model of a person who was enhanced in every way by his own relationship with God. I now view lifestyle and money issues largely through his eyes; I see the natural environment differently; I look at the human body, and especially pain, in a very different light. My relationship with Dr. Brand affected me deeply, in my core, on the inside. Yet as I look back, I can think of no instances in which he imposed himself on me, or manipulatively sought to change me. I changed willingly, gladly, as my world and my self encountered his.
A similar process works, I believe, with God. I become who I am, as a Christian, by relating to God. In ways mysterious and often hard to describe—but never coercive or manipulative—I have changed over time because of my contact with God.
Indeed, I can see many parallels between getting to know God and getting to know a human person. (My friend Tim Stafford wrote a fine book about such parallels, Knowing the Face of God). I first learn a person's name. Something in his personality attracts me to him. I spend time with my new friend, learning what activities we have in common. I give gifts, make sacrifices for that friend. I do things to please my friend that I wouldn't do on my own. I change and adjust as the relationship develops. I share happy times and sad times; we laugh together and weep together. I reveal my deepest secrets. I take risks of relationship. I make commitments. I fight and argue, then reconcile.
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