Newlywed Ambush
Uncover two secret saboteurs of your happiness.
by Les and Leslie Parrott | posted 10/03/2007

Tom and Laura came to see us just nine months after their wedding. They had swallowed the happily-ever-after sugar pill whole and were now feeling queasy.

"Before we got married we couldn't bear to be apart," Laura said. "I thought we'd do even more things together once we were married. But now Tom says he needs more space. It's like he's not the guy I married."

Tom rolled his eyes, but Laura continued. "He used to be so considerate and thoughtful … "

"Oh, and I'm a total slouch now?" Tom interrupted.

"Of course not. You—or maybe we—are just different now."

Nervously twisting his wedding band, Tom looked at Laura. "Marriage isn't what I expected, either. I didn't expect a big honeymoon or anything, I just thought you'd try to make life a little easier for me. Instead, when I come home from the office, all you want is to go out or … "

"I make dinner for you every night," Laura said.

Silenced by their display of unrestrained emotion, they looked at us as if to say, "See! Our marriage isn't what it's supposed to be."

When they got married, Tom and Laura had heard that marriage was hard work, but they didn't expect it to be a 24-hour, seven-day-a-week job.

The expectation of an easy marriage can be destructive. Plaguing every unsatisfied couple is a vast assortment of expectations about what marriage should be, juxtaposed with the reality of what marriage is.

It's Not Supposed to Be Like This

Every partner brings to marriage a host of conscious and unconscious expectations—many of which remain unfulfilled. Neil and Cathy, who'd been married four years, each had a clear image of what life together would be like. They never discussed it; they simply assumed the other had the same picture in mind.

"I expected married life to bring more stability and predictability to our lifestyle," Cathy said. "To me it meant working in the garden together."

"I wanted our marriage to be exciting and spontaneous, not ho-hum," Neil said. "To me it meant riding a motorcycle together."

For years, Cathy and Neil had fantasized about life after crossing the threshold. They'd watched their parents, read books, seen TV shows and movies. With little effort, each formed an idea of what it would be like to live as a married couple.

Consciously and unconsciously, Neil and Cathy each painted brush strokes on their mental canvas. But it never occurred to either of them that the other would be working from a different palette. They simply assumed they'd work with complementary colors and similar styles. But their first year together revealed sharp and unexpected contrasts. While Cathy painted carefully with delicate pastels, Neil painted boldly with primary colors.

Their expectations had clashed, leading them to wonder if their marriage was a mistake. To avoid disillusionment, they would have to bring things out into the open.

Unspoken Rules

When conflicting expectations cause a problem, they usually fall into two categories: unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Unspoken rules are hidden, and we all have them. This often becomes painfully obvious to newlyweds the first time they visit relatives with their new spouse.