Live the Giving Life

Sean Tuohy, who was played by Tim McGraw in the movie The Blind Side, talks about how we can become cheerful givers.

Sean and his wife, Leigh Anne, have received growing attention because of The Blind Side, first a bestselling book and then an Oscar-nominated movie. The book and the movie are based on their outreach to and subsequent adoption of Michael Oher, now a pro-football player with the Baltimore Ravens. The Touhys are also co-authors of In a Heartbeat: Sharing the Power of Cheerful Giving.

Give us a recap of your story as it relates to becoming a cheerful and generous giver.

Second Corinthians 9:7 says, "For God loves a cheerful giver." We should all give, whether we do it cheerfully or not. But if we give in a cheerful manner, the recipient recognizes it and it goes so much further. Even more importantly, the person who's giving it, if it's given in a cheerful manner, tends to do it more and it has a bigger effect. All we did was offer Michael hope and opportunity, and he did the rest. And people seemed to think that was important, and they made a movie out of it.

In your book, you talk about how your dad had the soul of generosity. How has that influenced you?

There's not a better example of cheerful giving than my dad. He was a high school teacher and coach at a small private school in New Orleans. Teachers have the greatest opportunity to be either cheerful givers or not. When you're teaching in a giving manner, it has such an impact on people. I like to tell people that we had an impact on one kid. My dad probably had an impact on thousands. Who really was the better giver? It's not even a comparison, because teachers certainly don't do it for the money. They do it for the love and the value of giving. And my dad was a prime example. And so I woke up every morning and saw an example of where giving was easy.

Who influenced you besides your dad?

Max Hart was one of my best friends growing up—shouldn't have been because he was a grade ahead of me and we were competitors in every sport. Truth is, I was a better athlete than he was, so I was continually replacing him in whatever sport we participated in. But when I was 15, my dad had a stroke. Max stepped in and filled in a lot of the gaps. When I wrote about him in our book, he was surprised because he didn't even know that's what he was doing. That is truly giving when you're doing it because that's what's in your heart, not because it's part of your agenda. He was a great friend.

How have you helped your kids become cheerful and generous givers?

Our kids watch everything we do. So we try to set good examples. Heaven knows we have our flaws, and that was part of the reason for writing the book. We wanted to make sure people didn't look at the movie and go, "Well, sure, these people can change lives because they got a movie and Sandra Bullock and all that kind of stuff." That couldn't be further from the truth, because we're just like the person who lives next door. So we talk with our kids about it and try to make sure they see the joy in it. You can't make people be cheerful givers. That's something that has to come from their hearts. But you can certainly show them what it does in your life.

Michael's adoption was driven by our kids. They were the ones that pushed the whole process along. So they were actually good examples for us. Sean Jr. came to us and said, "Why is he sleeping on the couch when I have a room he can have?" Collins was an AP honor student and she dropped down many of her classes during her last year to be in Michael's classes so that we were fully on top of all the academics that were required, because he was so far behind.

Collins is now a motivational speaker, which allows her some free time. So she went to the worst economic zip code she could find in the inner city and volunteered to be the cheerleader coach, overseeing 16 girls. She came home about two weeks into it, and so she couldn't make the practice that was scheduled that day. When she told the girls, she got 16 text messages from every single girl because they all missed her so much.

Were you ever nervous about letting a stranger in your home? What did you see in Mike that let you know you could trust him?

That's a great question. To us, there was never a doubt, and it's hard to explain to people. We looked into his eyes and saw needs, but also a lot of love … and then the next day was Tuesday, and then Wednesday, and it's nine years later. I'm sure there were bad days, but we can't remember them. My wife says she blocks it out, kind of like childbirth. She doesn't remember the misery of the process; she just remembers the joy of the birth. It's kind of like that. I'm sure we had bad days, but I don't remember any. That's a horrible answer to a great question, but in our house when you raise our garage door, we have a huge sign that says: We Believe in Miracles. And that becomes the only explanation that we can substantiate, because all the rest of it doesn't make any sense.

In your book you talk about the popcorn theory. Would you explain that?

Our philosophy of giving is that we believe God will send you messages. It's like looking into a big pot of boiling oil of popcorn kernels when one pops up and hits you in the face. We just try not to run from it. Of course, Michael was a huge piece of popcorn. We get letters upon letters of people doing wonderful things, but all of a sudden we'll react to one of them and really dig down and engage in it. People ask, "Why did you choose that one?" And we don't know. It was a piece of popcorn that hit us in the face.

What did Leigh Anne think when Sandra Bullock described her as someone who practices but doesn't preach and changed the way she saw Christians?

Well, that's obviously a huge compliment. I remember her saying it. It had a big effect, I think, on all of us. And what it told us, too, is that sometimes we can be just as destructive as we can be constructive in our walk. How we deliver our message is important.

In the book, you talk about how you wrestled with the power and effectiveness of giving. Would you explain?

People sometimes get hung up on their giving and want to know how much of a difference it's going to make or how it's being used on the other end. Our feeling is that God judges your heart as the giver, and it's up to him, not me, to judge the person who's the receiver. Once we give it, it's not ours anymore. If the person uses it for something bad, then I hate that, but my heart will be judged on the giving side. And you can't give based upon what you hope the result will be. You give according to how much cheerfulness and joy it puts into your own heart.

We have a lot of faith in people and so sometimes we are disappointed. We like for people to do well, but if they don't then unfortunately that's something they're going to have to wrestle with. My responsibility is to my own heart.

I also go back to what you said earlier about the miracle. It's leaving it in God's hands, isn't it?

if you don't believe in miracles, then this whole thing doesn't make sense. But that's why there's miracle after miracle in the Bible, because God says: "I'm taking you to a whole different level in your faith."

You try not to be too hooey with it, but you think, Why was Michael walking down the street that day? Why were we driving that way? Why was he in the school that our daughter was in, when he shouldn't have been? He'd been turned down by two or three schools that year, and ours is just as standardized. It shouldn't have accepted him either, but they did. And there are 13 grades he could have fallen into, but he fell into one with our daughter. At some point in time the coincidences stop and it goes into the miracle stage, because there is no other explanation. And we like that.

Do you recall the time you moved from being a dutiful giver to being a cheerful giver?

I remember the day. I was in church, they passed the plate, and I put my buck in because that's what you're supposed to do. And the pastor started a series, warning us, "I'm going to talk on giving, and if you don't like it leave. But it's going to be for three Sundays." And I remember thinking, Why would you leave? I was a sponge. The minister said there's a difference between the person who gives and the person who gives with a cheerful heart. And it just made sense. So when I started believing that, it changed everything.

Occasionally, I feel that I'm not happy, and it's often that I'm not doing enough for someone else. We got to give cheerfully to somebody we loved every day. So Michael got a house and we got Christmas every day. Who got the better end of that deal?

Does a giving life necessitate some occasions when you end up giving until it hurts?

Not for me. There's a quote in our book that says no one's ever gone poor from giving. And I believe it. We rarely talk about money in our book. Obviously there are organizations that rely on money. So if you're a money giver, keep giving money, because they need it and it will go to good use. But there's so much that has nothing to do with money. Learn to value people—talk to the person standing in line at the movie theater.

Can you make a difference in someone's life without going to the extent of adoption?

There couldn't be a better questioned or an easier answer. You have the power of one—doing one thing for one person. Grab a coat from your closet and bring it down to the homeless shelter. You can change somebody's life today by doing that. So it doesn't take a huge amount of money. It doesn't take adopting. But it does take doing something more today than you did yesterday.

What's the difference between tangible and intangible giving?

You can change people's lives without dealing with something physical—just a kind word to the person who parks your car. Yeah, they want a tip. They're doing it for the money. But telling them that they're doing a good job can make a huge difference. And they are. They're working just as hard as you are. A kind word can go a long way.

Is there anything you'd like to communicate that we haven't covered?

There are Michael Ohers all over the place. And all they're looking for is a chance, and it may be up to you to you to give them that chance. It may not be adopting them, but help them out. If you'll do that, you'll have a chance to have Christmas every day. And there's no substitute for that.

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