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It can be a shocking experience the first time a church staff member encounters an angry congregational member who "dumps" on them. The reality is that all people get angry, and some handle it better than others.

An important skill for church office staff is learning how to appropriately manage and express anger. As a church staff member, you cannot avoid anger-producing situations. Sooner or later, not only will you encounter an angry person, but something will happen that will make you angry. How do you handle your anger? Do you bottle it up or do you let it fly out? Learning how to healthily deal with your anger is a vital tool no matter what your job.

If you are struggling with aggressive outbursts, or more likely, with suppressing your feelings, you can learn healthy new ways of recognizing and working with your anger. Below are some suggestions to help you get started.

Anger management requires self-reflection and self-awareness. Become self-aware of your own anger. Here's something that can be helpful. Create an anger journal. This tool provides a concrete way to identify what events trigger anger and how you typically respond. It's possible that you may not become fully aware of your anger until after an event passes. As you use the anger journal, try to reconstruct the core reason of why you felt angry. Don't just focus on what triggered the anger, but reflect on it to see if you can identify other underlying issues. Does the situation stir up feelings of disrespect, shame, inadequacy, or fear? Identifying core emotions will help you focus on the root issues behind your anger.

Anger can produce intense feelings. Sometimes it is necessary to calm down in order to control your anger. Then you can respond properly. Relaxation techniques can be helpful. Take deep breathes. The old adage of counting to ten has merit. Don't react too quickly. If it is helpful, repeat a phrase to yourself several times such as "relax" or "calm down."

When you are angry, avoid phrases such as "You always … " or "You never … " Not only are such assertions inaccurate, they inflame situations, prevent a de-escalation of the feelings, and alienate others. When I catch myself using words like "always" or "never" I often will stop, and say, "Let me rephrase that … on some occasions." What we say, and when and how we say it, is critical to expressing anger in a healthy way.

Instead of trying to suppress anger, harness it for constructive purposes. Consider the following suggestions:

1. Take a time-out. When you are angry, you are vulnerable to saying or doing the wrong thing. Taking a time-out is a very effective method, which can enable you to deal with strong feelings of anger until you are calm. If helpful, excuse yourself momentarily from the anger-producing situation.

2. Work it off. Work off the strong surge of adrenaline by taking a walk, exercising, or doing something active.

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