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The first step that a man can take to free himself from the prison of pornography is to confess. Confession moves beyond denial, minimization, normalization, justification and rationalization to a right understanding of one's own brokenness. It refuses to celebrate and revel in the sin, and is the first step toward reestablishing communion with God and others. Because pornography has such an isolating effect on men who are intent on hiding their problem, it is important that this confession be more than between him and God. By confessing to another person, the isolating effect that porn has on a man will be reduced. When sin is shared with another person, a man is forced to expose his brokenness. How a man exposes this brokenness, however, is critical in the healing process. Only with a repentant heart that is completely broken can a man begin the process of true recovery.

Many men confess if they are caught, but they may not be repentant. They may feel guilty, but they may not be truly repentant. The measure by which a man can recover from a pornography problem is equal to his willingness to do the things that evidence repentance. If he tries to minimize, normalize, justify, or rationalize, true healing will be slow and unlikely. He must be completely broken, as King David was when confronted by the prophet Nathan (2 Samuel 12), in order to be restored. The consequences may not disappear, but he must be prepared to live with them and do what is necessary to make amends … If he does not acknowledge his need for God, it is difficult for him to make any lasting progress in his recovery.

Confession is difficult for many men because it is an admission of failure. This is at odds with their understanding of their masculinity … As a result, it is important to confess to someone who is able to be a part of the healing process. Many men, when confronted with their pornography problem, will confess it to their spouse or girlfriend. They do so because they are often the person with whom they have their deepest intimate connection. They reach out to the one whom they love the most for help. The consequences, however, can be disastrous.

Choosing whom to disclose your problem with pornography is a delicate process. The individual should be mature, supportive, wise, trustworthy, discreet, compassionate, and emotionally resilient.

Many men will share with a relative, teacher, respected church leader, pastor, or good friend. Regardless of whom you choose, remember that the need for another human being to hear your sin and speak the forgiveness of Christ to you is part of being human and becoming sanctified.

From "Wired For Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain," (InterVarsity Press, 2009). Used with permission. ivpress.com.

If you could say one thing right now to a church pastor or staff member struggling with pornography, what would it be? "I would actually say two things. One, you should not underestimate the level of isolation and the level of deception, including self-deception, that pornography can have on a person. It inherently takes a person out of true community. Do not think that this is just your problem and no one else's problem, or that it's a problem that can be hidden indefinitely. We are a part of the body of Christ, and when one part of the body is afflicted, it affects the entire body. But two, do not underestimate the power of God and the ministry of Christ to bring a person to wholeness."

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