Parents: Set Expectations for Your Kids
David Staal
posted 10/30/2009
 1 of 2
I feel old.
The reason: My son received his driver's license. Seems like just last week I made truck and fire engine noises to make him laugh during diaper changes. Seems like just yesterday I ran beside him for miles as he mastered his bike sans training wheels. "Wake up and smell the Pike roast, my friend," a colleague said, "he's taller than you."
For some reason, I struggle to believe that I'm old enough to have a young man who can legally drive away from my house, in my wheels, without me.
Seriously; my problem is that his driver's license documents his 16 years, and that means I'm … much older than I want to admit. I'm not nervous about his actual driving, though, because he's good. And you need not take my word for it.
In Michigan, a young person must pass a road test to receive a driver's license. A mandatory element of the road test: a parent rides along. After Scott completed the cone course, the three of us (him, the test official, and me) took a 45-minute spin around the area. At the conclusion, the official told Scott that he's an excellent driver.
I expected nothing less. More importantly, Scott had confidence too. As a parent, I want to make sure that my child believes in himself—a critical step towards achieving anything. A big part of making that happen is what we share with our children.
Here's where I'm headed: The message "I believe in you" can serve as needed affirmation today and an investment in a more confident tomorrow.
One of my favorite illustrations of this principle comes from Ben Zander, conductor of Boston Philharmonic Orchestra and a professor at the New England Conservatory of Music. He believes grand potential is released when belief replaces the reasons for self-doubt, which is why he gives all his students the grade of "A" at the beginning of the course. Their first assignment is to write him a letter, dated at the end of the term, which explains the story of what the student will have done to earn this high mark. His philosophy: "This A is not an expectation to live up to, but a possibility to live into."
Give your child an A and watch him or her live into the possibilities you've inspired.
Well-known Nobel Prize winning author Toni Morrison says, "Long before I was a success, my parents made me feel like I could be one."
Her observation is powerful, and can be put to use with kids of all ages.
It came up three years ago over lunch with my friend and mentor, Dick. I asked him what advice he had for me about raising a teenager. My son's thirteenth birthday was quickly approaching and I've heard that parenting challenges change when the teen years arrive. "Expect the best from him, and tell him that you do," Dick said. "Then watch him chase it to make it happen."
Then Dick got more specific. "For instance, many parents joke about how awful they expect their children to be as drivers. Your son as a driver might seem a long way off, but it's not. So instead of making light of him, take any opportunity you have to tell your son that you believe he'll make an excellent driver some day, and give him a reason or two why. Take that same logic about predicting his success and apply it to as many situations as you can."
| 
share this page
