Adversity Training
by Betsy Hart
posted 9/07/2007
 1 of 5
In a recent issue of Parenting magazine, one mom recounted that it was hard for her to watch her child cast in a school pageant as the "cheese"—as in, the "cheese" that stands alone.
The child is three.
Yep—we are a culture that is terrified of adversity finding our kids. Strike that; we're terrified of even brief unpleasantness getting near our kids. I'm not sure it's even much different for the Christian culture. For instance, how many of us have been around parents on a Sunday morning who would never consider telling their three-year-old, "Do NOT interrupt—I'm talking to the grown-ups," for fear of bruising a delicate child's psyche?
Fear of any adversity touching our kids may be most pronounced as our children head back to school, and some of these issues are once again thrown into relief: What if my child has a teacher he doesn't like? What if he doesn't make the team, or she isn't invited to the popular girl's party? What if he has to play the "cheese"?
"What if she … fails?" And most especially: "How do I fix it?"
Dr. Robert Shaw is a practicing child psychiatrist in Berkeley, California. In his 2003 book, The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children, he says that we parents are simply terrified that our children might experience irritation, frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness, or any other negative emotion. In fact, many of us parents will do anything to have an always "happy" little one.
I call it "The cult of the always contented child."
Lest anyone think I don't fall into that very trap myself—wrong! I have four kids; a boy and girls aged 13, 11, 8 and 6. Believe me, that "cult" is pretty enticing. It's great to have my six-year-old call me, "the greatest mom in the world" because I gave her something she wanted. The question is, though, can I handle it when she pronounces me the "meanest" mom in the world when I don't? And will I teach her that not getting what she wants doesn't equal me being "mean"?
If I can't, I'd better find another day job.
A few weeks ago I was in the post office and a mother with a two-year-old or so boy came in. He spied a stuffed "post office" bear toy for sale, hanging on a peg on the wall, and instructed his mother—in very clear terms—to give it to him. She reached for the white bear, only to be told by the little boy "No, not that one." He wanted the brown one instead. She dutifully put the one back and picked out the other for him. No "please" or "thank you" from the little guy, nor did mom ask for any. He clutched the bear, and only as I was leaving, did I hear her say to her little one, "You can't have that, you know—the bear sleeps here."
"Good luck" I thought. And wait a few years until he says, "No, not THAT car—I want the silver one!"
Yep, our culture seeks to protect children from every conceivable disappointment or frustration. Even the frustration of hearing the word "no" and having a little will crossed.
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