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Campus Life, January/February 2003
I Turned My Back on God
Before joining Plus One, Jason Perry made decisions he still regrets.
by Jason Perry
One beautiful Saturday afternoon while I was still in high school, I was driving my car along some country roads. The radio was on, but I didn't notice. All I could hear were harsh voices of regret.
I pressed down on the gas pedal, trying to drive away from what had happened the night before. Yet no matter how fast I drove or how loud I played the radio, I couldn't escape the fact that last night had really happened.
I had lost my virginity.
And I was angry at myself, at others, and at the culture around me that said sex was no big deal. I had bought the lie. The guys in the locker room had made it sound so cool. They didn't tell me that the next morning—this morning—would be full of emptiness, pain, regret and sorrow. I felt stupid and dirty, like I'd traded the most precious diamond in the world for a cheap, dime-store trinket.
I drove for hours. I passed by my house and then by our church, where my dad is pastor. I thought of the lessons I'd learned in both places—lessons of morality, strength and godly character. I had been taught to live differently from the world, to resist temptation, and most important, to obey the Bible.
My failure the night before wasn't the result of one momentary lapse in judgment. I'd been headed that way for a long time, trying to see how far I could go without actually having sex. It was a dangerous game, but it was fun. What I didn't realize was that this game had no winners.
total rebellion
I'd always wanted to be just like everybody else, and most of the people I looked up to at school were sexually active.
I began to wonder why I was holding out. It's no fun feeling like an oddball, especially when your friends are telling you all about their sexual escapades. After awhile, I decided I could be like everybody else.
Once I lost my virginity, I told myself, "I've messed up big time, so I guess it doesn't matter what I do from now on. I might as well enjoy my rebellion as long as I'm here."
I should have run from my sin at that point; instead, I embraced it.
That was the beginning of a full-on rebellion. My heart hardened as the months went by. I struggled with thoughts of worthlessness. I felt like since I'd opened the forbidden door of premarital sex, there was no going back. I could never be pure again.
And though I felt guilty, I continued rebelling. A few months later, a friend asked me to a party where I knew there would be drinking. I said no at first, but then I thought, I've already fallen into sin, so I guess there's nothing left to lose.
So I went to the party and started drinking. I had never tasted alcohol before, but I acted like drinking was normal for me. I drank until I passed out.
The next morning, I couldn't remember anything, but my friends said I'd been the life of the party. I felt like I finally fit in.
Two days after the party, I was playing drums and singing in the choir at church—and still trying to get over my first hangover.
barely recognized myself
Over the next few months, I went to more parties and did more stupid things. Word was getting around that Jason Perry was going out and acting pretty wild. I thought it was cool.
On Friday and Saturday nights I was out living like the devil, then on Sunday mornings I would listen to my dad's sermons and not blink an eye. I lost all desire to sing, and went from leading worship every Sunday to singing only now and then.
One Saturday night I got home late after being out with friends. I walked in quietly, trying not to wake my mom. I tiptoed into the bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot, and I barely recognized the unkempt person staring back at me.
"Jason, what are you doing?" I asked myself.
The next day, I went to church, and I was ready to make a change. My dad ended his sermon with an altar call, and I went down front to get right with God. I asked him to forgive me for the foolish way I'd been living.
Immediately I sensed his cleansing, forgiveness and peace. It felt so good to be home.
God still loved me
I stopped my rebellious lifestyle and started living for God again. Yet I was still overwhelmed by guilt, and it affected the way I thought about everything.
For example, I thought about my future wedding day—standing before my bride, my dad performing the ceremony. But instead of feeling happiness, I thought about the fact that
I wasn't a virgin. I had robbed my future wife of something precious, and I struggled with the fact that someone besides my bride knew me in a way that should have been reserved only for her.
The guilt stayed with me even after I joined Plus One. I eventually told the other guys in the group about my past, and they were cool with how I'd changed. Still, I continued to carry guilt and shame.
About a year after Plus One formed, I met a pastor in Nashville who changed my life. Pastor Tim didn't care that I was some sort of "celebrity." I acted like I had it all together, but he had a way of seeing past the mask and looking right into my heart.
The first night we met, Pastor Tim led me in an intense prayer. And right away, I began to experience release from my guilt and shame.
That night, Pastor Tim challenged me to surrender everything to Jesus. And at that moment, when I thought of Christ on the cross, I knew he was there for me, for what I'd done. The amazing power of God's grace, love and forgiveness overwhelmed me, and tears burst out of me like a flood. I had denied God by my actions, and he still accepted me.
That evening was the beginning of a long journey to freedom. Through memorizing Scripture with Pastor Tim, I've come to realize some very important truths, like Romans 8:1: "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
When I read that, I hear God telling me, "Jason, you are free."
I also like 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."
I am no longer the old Jason Perry who made such a mess of his life. I am a new person.
Now I'm living a life of purity and hope. And in a very real sense, I am a virgin once again. Jesus Christ has made me new. God has set me free.
This story was adapted from Jason's book, You Are Not Your Own (Broadman & Holman). Used by permission.
You can find a copy at your local Christian bookstore, or online at christianbook.com.
two minutes with jason
We recently caught up with Jason Perry for a quick Q&A.
Why did you you want to write a book?
I was getting lots of letters and e-mails about things in my life that I had talked about onstage, and the Lord just said, "You need to write a book." I kind of laughed at the time because I didn't even like to read! I was like,
I hate books. How am I going to write a book? But I began writing down thoughts, rehashing some of the experiences in my life. And one thing led to another, and next thing I knew, I had a book. I just wanted to share my life story, and to challenge a generation to completely sell out to Jesus Christ.
You went into a lot of details about your past mistakes. Why did you get so personal?
Because our generation is looking for realness. I want to be real. We've had so many things that are sugar-coated that you never really get to see the inside life of a particular person. People today love reality shows that kind of pull the covers back and show people how they really are. It would have been easy for me to be vague and obscure, but I decided to just be real.
In your book, you talk about losing your virginity, and how God's grace finally helped you overcome your guilt and shame. What would you say to a student who is struggling with guilt over having sex?
I would make sure they were really surrendered to the lordship of Christ. Don't hold back. The number one step to freedom is getting honest. That's what I had to do in my own life. Number two, you have to get into the Word. Once I started doing that seriously, I realized that I was free in Christ—a new creation. The old is gone and the new has come, and nothing will separate me from God's love. Getting those passages in my heart really set me free. It changed my life.
What would you say to a student who is still a virgin—especially if they read your story and think, Well, if Jason Perry of Plus One can have sex and be forgiven, then why can't I?
I'd tell them my own story. When I was 15 or 16, I would think, Man, there's nothing exciting about my life. I went to church every Sunday, sang in the choir, pretty much did all the right things. Then I would hear people share dramatic testimonies about how they came to Christ—people who really messed up before they had a dramatic conversion. I think I wanted something like that, a dramatic story. I think a lot of us feel that way, like we've got to create a testimony for ourselves. But that's not the case; that's just a lie. Your relationship with God is your testimony. It's not your mistakes; it's how free you are. It's how victorious you are over sin. There's no more powerful testimony than to be able to say, "I've kept myself pure. I've walked holy. I've got my virtue." That's the best story you can tell.
—Mark Moring
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Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
Click here for reprint information on Campus Life.
January/February 2003, Vol. 62, No. 1, Page 30
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