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I Don't Want To Have Sex

My prom is coming up soon and a lot of my friends have told me this is the time to lose my virginity. In fact, some of the guys I know are already making hotel reservations. I don't understand why they think it's important to lose their virginity now. Still, I don't know what to say when they talk about it. How can I answer my friends when they ask why I won't be going along with their plans for the evening?

The simplest answer is: "I have other plans." If your friends want to know what those plans are, say you plan to give yourself on your wedding night to the person you'll love forever.

Virginity isn't something to "lose." It's something to give. Don't give the most intimate act of love to someone who won't be with you for the rest of your life. And don't believe that "everybody's doing it." Several surveys suggest that at least half of the students in your high school aren't doing it.

Deep inside, your friends may already know it's not important to lose your virginity now. In fact, maybe you should ask them why they think you should have sex. It may be they'd feel better if everybody lived the way they've chosen to. Then they wouldn't have to worry they'd missed out on the best. I think every promiscuous person harbors a secret fear that sex is meant to be more meaningful than fun and games on prom night.

I Want to Talk About God

I've been dating a guy for about five months. We are both Christians and really value our faith. My problem is that we don't talk much about things that mean a lot to us, like our relationships with God. I would really like to talk seriously about this and even to pray together. But I don't know how to approach the subject.

Would it help to know you're not alone? Many couples find it difficult to share together on this level. Faith is a very intimate subject.

You're right, though—it's important to break the ice. It might help to write a letter, expressing what you feel. Don't send it, though. Instead, read it to your boyfriend. That will be hard for you, but you'll appreciate the fact that you'll get an immediate response from him.

You also might want to think about taking a more formal approach. For example, the two of you can agree to read the same book or the same article, then take a few minutes to share what you got out of it. Or you can agree that whenever you hear the same sermon or talk, you'll take time afterward to discuss what you found helpful. Maybe you could draw up a list of prayer concerns, then take turns praying through the list together. If that's too hard on your nerves, pray silently together and then afterward talk about what you prayed for.

These are just techniques to help you get over your nervousness. Once you get started, you probably won't need them. I hope your relationship will grow deeper as you learn to share what matters most.

He Doesn't Respect My Limits

I lost my virginity three years ago, when I was 14. I haven't had sex since, and I know I've been forgiven. I'm currently seeing a guy and we have very different views on what sexual sin really is. He's a virgin, and he thinks that as long as we don't have sex, then kissing, touching and fondling is OK. But ever since I lost my virginity, I've feared falling again. I feel guilty even kissing a guy, because I know that's where the problems began for me before.

We're both Christians, and I've tried to explain my point of view without telling him I'm not a virgin. (I would rather not tell him right now.) He doesn't seem to hear anything I say. He tempts me a lot, and I sometimes feel like he's bringing me down rather than lifting me up. He thinks I'm closed-minded and that I'm not facing reality. I think he hasn't walked on the road I've traveled. What can I tell him to help him understand?

I think you're right: You have been sobered by experience, and your boyfriend has not. Still, even if you were to explain what you have been through, it might not change his outlook.

Here's something you can and should tell him, though. It's always wrong to try to badger somebody into doing what they're not comfortable doing. What could be his motive, other than selfishness and lust? If he cares about you, he should respect your conscience and your boundaries.

Although 1 Corinthians 8:9 was written about a different issue, it provides an important principle: Whenever two people have different standards about what's appropriate, the one with the more tender sense of conscience should have her way without any argument at all.

It sounds like you're still recovering from what happened three years ago. For you, I think the best way to get over lingering guilt is to learn what a healthy relationship is like. If your boyfriend doesn't respect your conscience, you'll need to leave the relationship. You'll never get over your fears if you stay with somebody who pressures you. In the right relationship, with the right person, exaggerated fears will wither up and blow away.

No Longer a "Model Couple"

I'm 16 years old, and I'm very popular at school and church. My boyfriend and I were crowned Prince and Princess of the junior class at our Christian school. All our teachers applauded us for being a "model couple" to the rest of the student body.

But we did something neither of us is proud of. It was supposed to be the perfect night. Our six-month anniversary was the same night as the Homecoming Banquet. After the banquet we went out, but everywhere we were planning on going was closed, so we just stayed in his car. Although we didn't have sex, we came very close. Finally we realized what we were about to do and stopped. We both agreed we should slow down and decided not to even kiss for a while. I'm afraid this incident will kill our relationship. I love him so much, but if this makes everything uncomfortable I don't know what I'd do. I absolutely couldn't break up with my boyfriend. He's like my best friend. But I don't want to go any farther than I already have.

On top of everything else, I found out yesterday that my best girlfriend has been spreading rumors that my boyfriend and I are "immoral" and "too serious." My mom wants me to confront my best friend and tell her she's been spreading lies. The thing is, even though she was spreading lies, now there is some truth to it. I feel too ashamed to set my friend straight now, and I'm ashamed to tell anyone why. I feel so guilty. It's all I can think about. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for writing so honestly. I hope I can help you. I also hope that your letter will serve as a helpful warning to others.

Let's begin with something basic: You are forgiven. You know you did wrong, but you can also know God's forgiveness is total (1 John 1:9). If you are clearly repentant, and it sounds like you are, God has given you a new start. You don't need to punish yourself anymore. Instead, hang on tight to God's grace and turn your attention to the future.

You've learned something important: You're vulnerable to sin, and you're most vulnerable when you're feeling like Super-woman. Be aware of this in the future: It's much easier to prevent a temptation than it is to try to resist it during a passionate moment.

If you had been thinking this way, you wouldn't have stayed in your boyfriend's car. In fact, the two of you would have had firm plans for the evening, rather than just casually hoping you'd find someplace open.

Now that you've been intimately involved, you will be more vulnerable than ever. I know you both feel very sorry for what you did, but that won't keep it from drawing you back with a powerful magnetic force. Sex is an amazing attraction! Your bodies are aroused, and whether you want to or not, you'll feel the force of temptation to do what you did "just one more time."

Because of that, you're wise to cool it for the present. I'd suggest that you avoid being alone together. Go out with groups, or meet in public places. Keep your hands off each other. In time, your hormones will quiet down, and you can enjoy some private times again. Right now, I think you're too vulnerable. Although giving up private time won't feel good, the discipline will help your relationship.

As far as your friend and her rumors are concerned, talk to her. You call her your "best" friend, but she won't be a friend at all if you don't settle this. It isn't necessary to claim that you and your boyfriend have never done anything wrong. That's really not the point. The point is that she's gossiping. Even if everything she said were true, it would be important for her to talk to you rather than to share her concerns with others. If she demands to know what you and your boyfriend have been up to, just tell her that's between you and him and God. Her malicious gossip, on the other hand, involves you. It also concerns God. And God takes gossip seriously. For example, Romans 1:29 names gossips (along with God-haters) in a list of the most serious sinners. So don't be afraid to talk to your friend. Remember that God's grace covers your sin, and take steps to avoid temptation in the future.

Not Ready for a Lasting Commitment

I am 16 years old. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we've been very serious. We've even promised each other that we'd get married. But now I'm not sure that this is the guy God wants me to marry, even though he's wonderful and treats me very well. When I'm honest with myself, I don't think I've ever been in love with him. I mean, I love him, but I think I would rather be friends. Still, I feel like I can't break up with him. He is my best friend in the world, and I couldn't bear to hurt him because I know he's in love with me. I just need to know if God will work this out in his own way. Will God lead my boyfriend and me to the people we're supposed to marry?

You're definitely in a tough spot. But things will only get tougher if you don't have an honest talk with your boyfriend. It's clear from your letter you aren't in love with him. If he really is your best friend in the world, you should be able to tell him what you feel.

You're right to think the truth will hurt him, unless his thinking tracks with yours and he's afraid to tell you. But do you think it will hurt less a year from now? The longer you conceal your feelings from this guy, the more pain he'll feel when he finds out. If you were in your boyfriend's position, wouldn't it hurt to know he had let you believe something untrue about the relationship?

Your final question gets to the heart of the issue. Do you trust that God will take good care of both you and your boyfriend? If you do, you don't have to manage everything yourself. Your job is to do what's right—to be truthful and kind. God will take care of the rest.

Read more from 'Love, Sex & Dating'

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