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Q.I've never really dated much, and I think I know why. Whenever a guy shows romantic interest in me, I immediately become uneasy around him and try to avoid him, even if I was previously attracted to him. The strange thing is, I have more male friends than female friends. I also have no problem talking to guys I'm attracted to. I only get uncomfortable when a guy likes me. Why do I act this way and what can I do about it?

A. You act skittish because you're scared—and for good reason. Love can be frightening! But I don't know why you react so strongly. Maybe some experience earlier in your life has made you especially afraid of romantic relationships with guys. A person who has been abused or even just frightened by a childhood experience may develop a deep-seated fear of intimacy.

If that's what's happened to you, I'd recommend seeking Christian counseling right away. The scars of abuse, or those deeply-held fears, won't go away on their own. You need to talk with someone who can help.

However, there may be another explanation for your resistance to romance. You may be one of those people who understands love can hurt! Either way, your uneasiness is certainly understandable.

But it's clear you don't want to continue running from emotional intimacy. Love can hurt, but not loving can hurt even more. Carefully, prayerfully, gently you need to take the risk of loving.

If you really want to change this pattern in your life, you'll need to ask for help. Talk to an understanding Christian friend and ask her to begin "coaching" you. Tell her what you've noticed about yourself, and ask if she'll help you overcome it. Talk to her about it regularly. She may point out ways you're avoiding guys. She may notice your actions before you're even aware of what you're doing, and she may have suggestions about how to behave differently. Most of all, she'll be someone who can encourage you to get over your fears.

Patterns can be changed, but change usually takes time and hard work. Don't expect overnight miracles. And when you're ready to develop a romantic relationship with a guy, be selective. Nothing will help break down your fears like a really friendly and caring relationship with a Christian guy. (And nothing will rebuild barriers like a painful, uncaring relationship.) Ask God to help you overcome your fears. Let yourself be a little vulnerable. Refuse to run away and hide.

I Really Love Him, But …

Q.I'd been dating this guy for about 10 months when I broke up with him. But ever since I got to college, I can't stop thinking about him. I know I really love him and I want him back. But there are a couple of problems. First of all, we're at different colleges. Second, I'm a Christian and he's not, although I've let my faith slide at college. Now I hear he's getting involved in some Christian clubs at his school. I want to come back to my faith and be strong in it. I want him to become a Christian. I guess above all I want him in my life. I'm so confused and could use your advice.

A. To sort things out in your life, you really need two things: patience and wholeness. Patience, because it will take time to make sense of the confusion you're feeling. Wholeness, because only your personal integrity will keep you on a straight path in the midst of chaos. Both patience and wholeness come when you have a good relationship with God. You grow more patient when you're in tune with God, because you know he's in control. You get wholeness from God, because his love and faithfulness help you put everything into perspective.

So before you spend more time trying to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your old boyfriend, you need to figure out your relationship with God. Start by looking at the reasons why you've let your faith slide at college. Are you trying to fit in with people who aren't Christians? Are you curious about things you "missed out" on in high school? Whatever your reasons, you need to take a good look at why you're making the choices you're making.

It's also important you find some Christian friends at your college. Join a Bible study or prayer group, and make yourself accountable to somebody for your faith. And make time for God. Read your Bible daily. Pray for guidance and wisdom. Your faith is the firm foundation for figuring out your future.

I have to add that a relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian is on a fast track to nowhere. How could you ever be in real harmony when you have totally different understandings of the meaning of life? Unless you share the same faith, your relationship will never be all you want it to be. You can't control his faith, but you can control your own.

My Boyfriend's Too Physical

Q.How can I tell my boyfriend I think touching each other is wrong?

A. There's only one way to say it: Directly. You can argue about the right and wrong of sexual touching until the sun grows cold. The important point is that you believe it's wrong and don't want to do it. Your boyfriend can have his own opinions, but there can be no arguing about doing things you don't like. It's your body.

Gently, firmly tell him you're unhappy with touching and want it to stop. You should spell out exactly what you mean by touching, even if it's embarrassing. And when he tries to go against your wishes, put an immediate stop to it. Tell him you aren't about to have a tug of war about your values. If he can't respect you, he's not worth the effort and it's time to end the relationship.

I'm in Love with My Youth Worker

Q.I'm 17 and my youth worker is 23, but it seems like we're the same age. I've known him for years, and have grown to love him for the person he is. Sometimes it seems like we're going out, because we hang out so much and work together. I have liked him for two years, and everyone knows it. Do you think I should just ask him out, or should I forget it?

A. It sounds like you're due for an honest talk. The situation sounds potentially risky on all sides—for him, for you, and for the rest of your youth group.

I don't know what's in his mind, and you may not know either. But it's probably time to find out.

Most youth workers are likable and admirable people, and it's hardly surprising that members of their youth groups—who usually aren't that much younger than their leaders—fall for them. Most of the time these are innocent crushes that don't last long.

But no matter how strong your feelings are, a romance between you and your youth worker is not appropriate. The main problem isn't your age difference. It's the fact that he's your youth leader. He is an authority figure in your life. Mix that authority with sexual attraction, and you get tons of potential for problems, subtle or not-so-subtle.

It's hard for your youth worker to be any kind of spiritual leader for you if he's also your boyfriend. And if you start dating, he can hardly be objective when you have a problem you need to talk about. It's also confusing to the other people in your youth group. They can't feel comfortable around their youth worker if they feel they're competing with you for his attention. I'm firmly convinced that a youth worker ought not to get romantically involved with one of his or her students.

That's why you need to talk honestly. If the attraction is one-sided, you should know it and move on. If he's attracted to you as well, you can get that on the table. Then, talk about how to put your feelings on hold until you've finished high school and are no longer part of the youth group. Frankly, you shouldn't be spending so much time together that you feel like you're dating. Other people in the group deserve the chance to develop a special friendship with this guy. He's their youth worker, too.

How Can I Help Him?

Q.I had been seeing a non-Christian guy for about three months and everything was going great. But his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. At first he thought she was going to have an abortion, but hen she decided to keep the baby (which I think is great because I don't believe in abortion). He went back to her for the good of the baby. We are trying to stay friends, but it's hard because we love each other. What is the Christian way to deal with this?

A. While it's good of you to be concerned for this guy, his girlfriend and their baby, it's important you remove yourself from this situation. Just because somebody desperately needs help from a Christian doesn't mean you are the one to offer it.

And this guy needs lots of help. He's gotten himself into a very confused, messed-up situation. Think about it. He's trying to hold on to a relationship with you and yet he's involved with his pregnant girlfriend. He's hurting everyone, including himself.

As much as you want to help him, your involvement will only confuse him more. He needs to talk to someone—preferably an adult Christian man—who can counsel him and help him through this situation. It's very important that the counselor be objective. You just aren't qualified. The best help you can give him is to get this guy to talk to a pastor or counselor, then remove yourself from the situation completely.

I'm Ashamed of My Past

Q.I recently got out of a very bad relationship. I did a lot of things I thought I'd never do. I feel so guilty and dirty. Even though I've asked God for forgiveness, I still can't get over all that happened. What should I do?

A. You need someone to talk to and pray with. This can be very hard to do when you feel like such a failure, but it's one of the best ways to start healing. The Bible says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).

Ask God to bring a person into your life who is mature and has a strong relationship with God. It could be a friend you already know. It could be a pastor or Christian counselor. It could be somebody you don't know well but deeply respect. You want somebody you can trust to keep secrets, who will know how to pray for you, and who can remind you that God forgives you. Ideally, you'll find someone who can meet you for conversation and prayer over a period of several weeks.

The other thing you need is time. All wounds, whether they're emotional or physical, need time to heal, even under the best circumstances. So be patient. Understand that you'll probably continue to be in pain for some time. Use this time of healing to learn from your mistakes. Think about the reasons you got into the hurtful relationship. Pray for God's strength and guidance to help you be more careful in the future. It's possible for you to come out of this experience much stronger in your faith than you were before. It may take a while, but you will someday look back on your life and see that God has brought good out of a bad situation.

I'm Still Nervous about Dating

Q.I'm 14 years old and I haven't held anyone's hand, never kissed, never even gone out with anybody. When it comes to dating, I guess I'm afraid. When is a good time to start dating? I've liked people before, but never been in a relationship. Most of the girls I like are older than me. They seem a lot more confident about dating than I am. What do I do?

A. The first thing to do is talk with your parents. Ask them about their dating days. How old were they when they had their first dates? Were they nervous? How old do they think you should be before you start dating? Once you know what their expectations are, you can take some steps to make sure you're ready to start dating.

One idea would be to hang out with girls your own age. If you do, you'll probably find they're not as confident as the older girls. Maybe talking with them will help you realize there's nothing strange about your lack of dating experience. At 14, many teenagers are just starting to think about dating. Yes, some of your friends might come across as dating pros at 14. But if you take a good look around, you'll find they're a small minority.

Most people fear being left behind, stranded on a dateless desert island. But that fear is unrealistic. The people most likely to get stranded are those who develop bad habits of relating—superficial, abusive, unloving. And frankly, those habits often develop among those who start dating too early.

It's easy to think about dating in an impersonal way, as though it were a contest or a race. People tend to focus on prizes, not other people. Getting a date is a prize. Getting a kiss is a prize. Getting sex is a prize. But dating can be so much more than that.

In your letter you focus on activities: holding hands, kissing, dating. You don't say, "I've never had a deep conversation with a girl. I've never felt completely loved by a girl. I've never been close friends with a girl." Those are the parts of dating, and of friendship, that are most enjoyable.

So put your worries in perspective. If you have some good friendships with girls, that's a great start. If not, focus on getting to know a few girls as friends. As your confidence around girls grows, you'll find it easier, and more natural, to start dating.

I'm Addicted to Porn

Q.I have been addicted to pornography and masturbation for five years. I tried to get help, but the person I talked to just gave me a "hellfire and brimstone" sermon and put himself up on a pedestal. I really need advice on how to stop and where to get some real help. I feel like this problem is taking over my life.

A. It's sad to hear that you reached out for help and got only condemnation. As you seem to know, you can only fight this addiction with the regular prayers, counsel and accountability of others. That can only happen if you take the risk of opening up to another human being.

But who? I'd urge you to take some time to pray, asking God to point you toward the right person or group of people. Perhaps you have a caring adult friend who would qualify. If not, you could look to a pastor or Christian counselor. You can find a counselor through the phone book or by asking for a recommendation from an adult you trust. (You don't have to be specific about your reasons for seeking counseling). You can even call a national hotline, like 1-800-NEW-LIFE, to help you find a local Christian counselor. The counselor you find should be able to point you toward additional resources. Many communities, for example, have a support group for people struggling with an addiction to pornography. I don't know if that's appropriate to your situation, but a counselor would know.

Addictions like yours grow in secret and in isolation. When you let in the light of day by getting involved with others who will care for you and pray for you, you chase out the shame and the hiding that fuel your addiction. Please don't let one bad experience paralyze you. Take the risk and reach out to someone very soon.

Copyright © 1997 by Christianity Today International/CAMPUS LIFE magazine.
July/August 1997. Page 42

Read more from 'Love, Sex & Dating'

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