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I Think About Sex a Lot …

Q I'm 14, and I think about sex a lot. Am I normal? Does God say it's wrong to think about sex, even if you're only thinking about it in the context of marriage?

A Thinking about sex is very normal at 14. And as long as your thoughts are healthy, I don't know any reason to believe that God disapproves. Sex is, after all, a wonderful part of his creation, one of the great joys and adventures of life. So it's natural and normal to be curious about sex and to look forward to sharing it with your future spouse.

It's also normal for teenagers to think about sex more than most people. Right now, your body is changing and you're discovering many new feelings. You're getting prepared physically and emotionally for an exciting future. It's like you're in training for the big event: Marriage. It's not always easy to wait. But anyone who's trained for something important knows that the best way to get through the training is to stay focused on the prize at the end. Sex is so terrific, it's worth the tremendous effort and patience it takes to make sure it's everything God intended it to be: the physical expression of a lifelong commitment.

Of course, you can think about sex in very destructive ways, too—ways that become obsessive and distract you from real living, and ways that are disrespectful or hurtful to yourself and others.

To keep your thoughts about sex from moving in a dangerous direction, there are a few things you can do. Avoid movies, music and magazines that promote sex between unmarried people or stir up lustful feelings in you. Find a Christian friend you trust and can talk to about your thoughts. Read what the Bible has to say about sex (check out Matthew 5:28; 1 Corinthians 6:18-20; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8). And ask God to help you keep your thoughts healthy and honorable.

My Teacher Touched Me …

Q One day my science teacher asked me to stay after class. He touched my face, and told me I was beautiful. I smiled and said thanks, but I had no clue what this was leading to. Then his hand left my face and went to my shoulder. He said, "I want you to know that I love you." I said OK. Then he began touching me all over. I told him I had to go. Before I left, he kissed me on the forehead.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I NEED HELP!!! I feel so weird about this. I don't know if I liked what he did or not. In one way it felt strange because he's my teacher, but in another way it felt good. What should I do? Please help.

A You should go immediately to your parents, your pastor, or another adult you trust and tell what happened. You are going to need their emotional support and help in taking the next step—reporting your teacher to the authorities, like the school principal and/or the police. What your teacher did is illegal. It's also a terrible thing to do to someone. If he did it to you he is probably doing it to others. He needs to be stopped.

Next, you need to talk to someone, like your pastor or a Christian counselor, about how you feel. You are already experiencing strange feelings about this, and those feelings may continue for a long time. You really need someone compassionate and understanding to help you sort through your feelings. Also, find one or two Christian friends to talk and pray with you.

What your teacher did was wrong.

I pray that you will seek out the help you need to heal.

How Do I Read His Mixed Signals?

Q My boyfriend, Dan, and I broke up because our relationship was getting a little too physical. We are both Christians and believed we would get into trouble if we stayed together. But now I'm confused. Dan and I still flirt a lot with each other, and he knows I still like him. But whenever we talk, he acts like he's not interested in me at all. He says the past is the past and that we probably won't ever date again. He also says it annoys him when I flirt with him. Why does he flirt with me, then tell me we won't go out again?

A Let me start by saying you and Dan showed a lot of maturity by breaking off a relationship that seemed to be getting too physical. For now, you are probably better off in this non-dating relationship. But the confusion you say you feel is obviously making it hard to determine what kind of a relationship you really have.

Here's my best guess about Dan. I think he's confused too, like you. He's made what he believes is a rational decision, to agree to a breakup. His heart, however, isn't completely cooperating. He can see you still like him, and part of him probably feels the same way. So he flirts with you, just like you're flirting with him.

Another part of him, the part he considers rational, still thinks both of you are better off separate. Because he's trying to control his own feelings, he talks to you in a way that makes it seem he's not interested in you. But I think he's really talking to himself, trying to convince himself that breaking up was the right decision.

Which side of him will win? I don't know. What I do know is that dating, and breaking up, is often very hard on both parties.

I suggest you find a time to meet with Dan, sitting down in a public place (like a fast-food restaurant) to talk about your relationship. Don't plan on trying to get back together. Don't even expect him to make up his mind about what he wants. Just ask: How can we be friends during this awkward period? How can I help you through it? How can you help me?

In the meantime, cut down on your flirting. It will be hard, I know. But flirting isn't helping him sort out his feelings. And it's not helping you prepare for the possibility that you won't date Dan again. Focus on being friends with Dan and see what happens from there.

We Don't Think Premarital Sex Is Wrong …

Q I'm writing because all I ever hear about is how people have sex after seeing someone for a very short time, or sleep around with many people, etc. If there is ever anything said about a long-term relationship with two mature people in love, sex is always shown as the thing that ruins the relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We are very much in love with each other, and he is my very best friend. We started to have sex after being together and getting to know each other for more than 19 months. Neither of us regret anything or feel any disgust or disgrace.

We are more "in love" than we ever were. Making love has brought us to a higher level in our relationship and closer than before-as friends, not just as lovers. We've never pressured each other and we are always protected from pregnancy and diseases. And it's not like we feel like we have to have sex all of the time. We have a great time hanging out together and with our other friends. Maybe we are a minority, but I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I am happier than ever.

I wanted you to know there are young adults who realize the seriousness of having sex. I know the Bible says sex should be saved for marriage. If I was older, I would want to marry my boyfriend. Unfortunately, college is coming soon and being married would make school and life much more difficult. I don't mean to be disrespectful. I only wanted to share my feelings.

A I certainly don't feel you've been disrespectful. On the contrary, I'm honored that you cared enough to write. I'm also glad to clarify my views.

I have no trouble believing that you and your boyfriend have a mature relationship, and that sex expresses something deep and loving between you. That's probably not the way it is for most high-school students, but it certainly happens. My concern isn't that sex might ruin your relationship. My concern is that you're missing out on the best God intended for you.

I know sex can be loving and sensitive in a relationship like yours. But it can't ever be all it's meant to be: An expression of an unbreakable commitment of love. Sex is to be a part of love that goes on forever, that's absolutely secure even in the worst personal crises, that's capable of creating the proper environment for bearing children. And I believe none of that happens until you've made the commitment of marriage. Furthermore, you're endangering your future prospects for ever experiencing love and sex as God intended them.

You also say that you're "always protected from pregnancy and diseases." I don't know what types of "protection" you're using, but I'm guessing you know that there are no guarantees. Women taking birth-control pills sometimes get pregnant. And all types of sexually-transmitted diseases, including AIDS, have been contracted even when using a condom—even when the condom doesn't break. The only "guaranteed" protection from pregnancy and STDs is to abstain from sex.

I'm sure you love your boyfriend, but you're not completely committed to him. Other things matter more to you than him. How do I know? You told me. You said you'd be glad to marry him except that it would be inconvenient while you were in college. In other words, a smooth college experience matters more to you than being committed to him for life. How would your relationship fare in a real crisis? Believe me, sooner or later all relationships get tested by problems, deep problems. You simply don't have the commitment to face that. You'd break apart.

It's true, you might develop real commitment gradually, even as you sleep together. Some couples do. But most don't. From what I've seen and heard, the percentage of high-school students who sleep together as teens, get married and stay married is very small. There's a reason for that. When you start making love with limited commitment, you usually don't feel much need to increase the commitment.

And you're young. You're both going to experience many changes in the next few years. Without a strong commitment, you likely won't make it through them.

If you break up, you'll enter your next relationship with a past. You'll have sexual memories which will never go away. You'll carry memories of your boyfriend into the next bed. And you'll tend to follow the same pattern of sex without full commitment in your next relationship, which may not last either. That's the reason many people end up with a complex sexual past. That doesn't mean they can't have a good marriage someday. Some do. But a lot don't. It's certainly not the best God intended. It's not a unique bond of love.

I hope everything works out well for you. God is in the business of redeeming all kinds of mistakes and missteps. He isn't looking for ways to doom your future. Rather, he wants you to try living life by his directions, so you can experience the depth and richness of real, lasting love.

I'm Glad I Waited

Q When I graduated from high school, one of my relatives gave me a subscription to Campus Life. Your column and one particular story have had a profound effect upon my life. The story was about a young man and a locket. Every time he got into a serious relationship, he gave the girl a beautiful new locket. On his wedding night he gave his bride a locket, but by that time he had given away so many, the locket didn't seem very special anymore. You opened my eyes to the importance of virginity. As I've become an adult, I've seen the unhappiness that premarital sex has caused in a number of my friends.

After a couple of dates with a guy, I would tell him the "locket story," and inform him that I was a virgin and planned to be one until I married. Of course, there were some guys I never heard from again, but that didn't always happen. I discovered there are guys who value virginity. I have dated two guys who were virgins themselves. One is now a very dear friend. He introduced me to my fiance´Jeff.

When Jeff and I get married, we will both be virgins. This has been so important because during the years we've dated, we've developed a strong relationship built on a deep friendship. From what I have seen, sex can sometimes get in the way and cause people to stay together who perhaps should be apart. I have no doubt about Jeff and me, because sex is not "fogging" our minds.

Thank you for the influence you had on me. May God bless you.

A God bless you, too, in your marriage. And thank you for writing. I must say I admire your courage, telling the "locket story" to the guys you went out with. It takes guts to stand up for your beliefs. Aren't you incredibly glad you did? Imagine what you might have missed if you had played down your convictions.

Questions you would like to have considered for this column should be sent to: Love, Sex & the Whole Person, Campus Life, 465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL 60188. You can also reach Love, Sex & the Whole Person via fax (630-260-0114) or e-mail (clmag@CampusLife.net).

Goin' Out

-Have an indoor picnic in the middle of winter. Make a giant sun out of paper to stick on the wall and throw a blanket on the living room floor. Turn on some music by the Beach Boys, eat hot dogs and potato salad and drink lemonade.

Jill Osborn
Cedar Falls, Iowa

-Get together on a Saturday morning, head to the local bakery and pick up a dozen doughnuts. Drive to the houses of a few friends and surprise them with breakfast. It's a great way to include your friends in your relationship.

Kristen Ong
La Mirada, California

—Plan and cook a meal together to serve to your family. You'll have a great time and you might discover some hidden cooking talents!

Scott Lee
Seattle, Washington

-Get together with another couple and play card games from your childhood, like Go Fish, Spoons or Old Maid. Have the losing couple make dessert for the winners.

Beth Hardcastle
Nashville, Tennessee

Read more from 'Love, Sex & Dating'

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