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I Want to Break Up!

Q My boyfriend and I have been going out for about two months, but it's just not working. He can be so romantic and normal one minute and so weird the next. He is constantly embarrassing me. I have tried talking to him, but it doesn't work. I really want to break up with him. How can I do it nicely so we can still be friends?

A Do it quickly, and do it face to face. There's no way to make it fun, and because of that, a lot of people put it off. They want to avoid hurting the other person, but delaying a break-up only makes it worse.

This guy deserves an honest, direct explanation. Tell him you like him, but you can't see romance for the two of you. Don't criticize him or tell him it's his fault you're breaking up with him. Treat him with care and respect. He'll probably be hurt, especially if he really likes you, so don't expect him to want to be your friend right away. Give him time to get over it. Hopefully, he'll someday be able to respect you and like you as a friend. He may even thank you for being honest with him and not stringing him along.

He's Pressuring me for Sex
Q I'm 17 years old, and I'm going out with a 19-year-old guy. I'm a virgin but he's not. He told me he wouldn't pressure me into having sex, but he does. He told me he loves me and respects me and my feelings. But he makes me feel guilty for not having sex. We've talked about it and even though he knows I don't want to, he still asks. I really care for this guy and I think we have a future together. But how do I get through to him that I don't want to have sex?

A You can't get through to him, because he's not interested in what you want. I predict that if you stay together, he'll wear you down and you'll end up having sex. That's what he's counting on. By staying with him, you're making a statement: I can't give you up, even when you show you don't care about my convictions.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh. I just want you to make a decision before it's too late. My advice would be to dump the guy today. If you think that's too tough, tell him that if he brings up sex again, you're through with him. Tell him you've made your feelings about sex very clear, and you expect him to show you more respect. Maybe he'll get the message and back off. If he doesn't, it's time for you to break up with him. Even though he's telling you he loves you, his actions are making it clear that what he really wants is not a relationship, but sex.

It's never easy to end a relationship, but you can take comfort in knowing you still have your values, your convictions, and your virginity.

Dad's Against Interracial Dating
Q I'm a born-again Christian, and so is my boyfriend. We have a wonderful relationship that centers around God. There's only one problem: My father doesn't approve of our relationship. See, my boyfriend is black and I'm white. My father says we are going against the Bible, but I haven't seen anything about color in the Bible, although I could be wrong. My father also says I'm dishonoring him, and the Bible says not to dishonor your parents. I want to do God's will, but am I going against his will if I date my boyfriend? My boyfriend and I are both 19 and sophomores in college. I have been praying about it and I feel that God brought my boyfriend into my life to help my father overcome his prejudice. I'm so confused. Please help!

A I hope I can clear up some of your confusion. You're absolutely right about the Bible's views on race. Not one verse suggests that the races keep separate. Some Christians might use the story of the Tower of Babel as a justification for separating races, but that passage is clear that creating new languages and scattering the people was God's punishment for their pride. It wasn't how God intended things to be. (Take a look at the story in Genesis 11:1-9.)

Christ's life, death and resurrection restored things to the way they should be. Paul writes, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28). All the barriers that keep people apart are broken down when Jesus adopts us into his family.

Your father is right, though, that the Bible says not to dishonor your parents (Ephesians 6:2-3). That's a command you must take seriously. So how can you balance what your father wants from you and what the Bible requires of you? First, you need to listen respectfully to your father's feelings. He may not be right about interracial dating, but he deserves to have his daughter hear him out. There's a classic movie called Guess Who's Coming to Dinner that deals with the issue of interracial dating. If you need help initiating a conversation about race with your father, this movie might be a great starting point.

You also need to calmly tell your father how you feel about your boyfriend and talk about your reasons for wanting to build a relationship with him. Let your father get to know your boyfriend so he can see those qualities that make your boyfriend a godly man. You and your boyfriend may want to slow down the pace of your relationship, maybe even step back to friendship for a while to give your father a chance to get used to the two of you as a couple. Your father may change his mind, or he may not. But at least you'll have shown him the respect a parent deserves.

I'd also advise you and your boyfriend to take a long, hard look at your relationship. While it sounds like you have a strong, healthy relationship, you need to make sure you're ready to deal with the serious issues involved in interracial dating. An interracial couple will face prejudice, which can be very difficult. One or more family members may reject you. Even where there is no rejection, cultural differences can make it more difficult to understand each other, especially when you get out of the somewhat protected atmosphere of college. If your relationship becomes serious and you began to discuss the possibility of marriage, premarital counseling dealing specifically with this issue would be very worthwhile. If your father is still unable to accept you dating a black person, it might be helpful for him to join you in a family therapy session with a Christian counselor.

If you were 15 and in the same situation, I'd recommend obeying your father's wishes and limiting yourself to a friendship with your boyfriend. But the truth is, you're an adult and can make up your own mind about who you date. Still, I hope you'll think very carefully about the consequences of your decision. Is your relationship with your boyfriend worth possibly destroying your relationship with your father? That's a question only you can answer.

Any interracial couple can tell you that it's tough to deal with all the issues interracial dating brings up. But if you love each other and your faith in God is strong, you can believe that God will lead you to a decision that truly honors him.

How Can We Get Past My Mistake?
Q I'm a Christian, but about a year ago, I fell away from God for a while and had sex with a girl I didn't even care about. Since then, I've rededicated my life to Christ. Now, God has brought a girl into my life who is perfect for me. But she is very hurt because she knows I'm not a virgin. If we ever got married, I couldn't completely share the gift of sex with her because it wouldn't be my first time. It hurts us both to know that one mistake I made could have so much effect on us and our future life together. Is there any way I can help her feel better about it?

A I think I can help you understand what's going on, and maybe even help get the healing process started. When it comes to sex, you and your girlfriend live in a very confusing world. By watching TV, going to movies and listening to other people talk, you've been taught that a little meaningless sex is easily forgotten and forgiven. But TV and movies don't equip you to cope with real life. In real life, sex is never meaningless. It can devastate lives and destroy relationships. Sex always has powerful spiritual and emotional consequences—even when it's with someone who doesn't mean anything to you. That's the real-life truth you've discovered the hard way.

The apostle Paul warned us about this. He said, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body" (1 Corinthians 6:18). Paul is saying that sex outside marriage isn't like other sins, because it becomes a part of you. One writer, Walter Trobisch, has compared sex to gluing together two pieces of paper. You can separate the two papers, but usually bits of one remain stuck to the other.

That's what your girlfriend knows. You have shared the most intimate experience possible with someone else. That means you have memories you can't erase. Even if you only had sex once, even if you didn't love your partner, intercourse changed you.

Yes, you want to make your girlfriend feel better, but that shouldn't really be your first priority. Your first priority is to make sure you have really turned away from your mistake. From your letter, it's not clear whether you've repented and asked for forgiveness. If you have, that's wonderful. But if you still need to confess and ask for God's forgiveness, do so, and soon.

Your girlfriend should start to feel better as she sees that you've turned around. Show her you've developed an attitude toward sex that's respectful, godly and deeply repentant. That means treating her with complete respect. That means being patient with her fears. That means being pure in the way you relate to her physically.

You can't undo what's done. You can, however, be cleansed. That, and that alone, will give your girlfriend the confidence she needs to trust you with her life and her body in marriage, if marriage is where your relationship is headed. She will need to see the changes in you over months or even years. Anything less would be a poor foundation to build a future on.

We Need to Slow Down
Q My boyfriend and I are getting into some pretty heavy petting. We want to stop, and we have prayed to God about it. Although both of us are virgins now, we can see that we are headed down the path of no return. We both said at the beginning of our relationship that we want to remain sexually pure for our future spouses, but we need help. I don't want us to have sex, but lately that's all we think about.

A I'm glad you're not kidding yourselves. The path you are on does lead only one way. Although it's always possible to stop short of sexual intercourse, a couple can get to a point where they don't want to stop. It sounds as though you're getting close to that point. And why not? When you spend hour after hour stimulating each other sexually, it's bound to have an effect on you.

I won't lie to you: It's very difficult to back up. What you're doing together is called foreplay, and it's meant to lead to something. Your body was designed to respond to sexual touching. It longs for sex, and you're preparing it for exactly that. That's why I advise couples to avoid petting and touching each other in a sexual way. It's much easier to never start heavy petting than it is to stop.

But it's not impossible for you and your boyfriend to change the physical part of your relationship. As you've discovered, you can't change it on your own—you need God's help. And God wants to help you. The Bible says, "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). That's God's hope for you, and he will help you achieve it—but only if you're prepared to make some serious changes.

The two of you obviously got the physical part of dating wrong this time around, so here's your chance to start over, and do it right. Don't do anything physical for a month. Don't even hold hands. Don't go anywhere alone. Stay in public places, don't go to movies, and don't sit in a parked car together.

After a month you can try a simple goodnight kiss. Make it brief. Only after you've gotten the sexual stimulation well out of your system—and that will take months—should you trust yourselves alone together. And then make sure you stick to very strict standards. Write them out. Share them with someone you trust, like your youth pastor or another trusted adult, who will pray for you and check with you weekly to see whether you're living up to your standards.

If you think this sounds tough, wait until you try it. You aren't going to like it. Once you've been so intimate, it feels cold and unpleasant to take physical contact out of the equation. However, that's an important sign of how far out of line you've gotten. In reality, people date for the chance to be together and talk together. You're not losing that. In fact, taking away the sexual part of dating will help you focus on the things that matter in a relationship—trust, respect and common values. If you find that you're bored with each other without the physical thrill of touching each other, you may realize you don't have what it takes to build a solid relationship.

Look at this return to a sexually pure relationship as a test. If you're willing and able to do this, it shows the depth of your commitment—to each other, and to a righteous life.

Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or e-mail clmag@CampusLife.net.
January/February 1999, Vol. 57, No. 6, Page 64

Read more from 'Love, Sex & Dating'

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