Our intrepid pollsters, abacus boards in hand, have been galloping from church to church in quest of the answer to the pressing question: "Who is the least appreciated and most abused member of the local church staff?."

The results are shocking. Not the senior minister. Not the minister of music. Not even the youth pastor.

Ready? It's the church custodian, janitor, or building superintendent, depending on the size of the church. (Megachurches have Edifice Engineers.) The one who keeps the premises tidy is criticized the most and thanked the least.

This being the case, we're starting a cutting-edge new ministry just for their encouragement. We're calling it Premise Keepers, and its purpose is simply to let church janitors know that they're loved, honored, but rarely obeyed. Being together with thousands of their fellow janitors will assure them that they aren't alone in their never-ending battle against nasty bugs, dirty rags, burned-out plugs, and long weddings.

Our first giant rally will be held in Racine, Wisconsin, at the Johnson Wax Company auditorium, presenting a program with a lot of polish. Keynote speaker will be Dickie Donn Gaston, church janitor for 43 years at First Community Church, Lands End, Missouri. He has lived through nearly 600 weddings, 500 funerals, 40 vacation Bible schools (for three years be refused to unlock the church), and 32 pastors. With him will be James Duncan, who has served as chairman of the church board of trustees during all of Dickie Donn's ministry. Dickie Donn is the only church janitor to receive an honorary degree from a seminary, a Doctor of Utters.

Music for the rally will be provided by The Musical Moppers, a unique sextet whose songs have been sweeping the country. Their hit song ...