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Consider:

• When Hollywood Presbyterian Church did a "needs analysis" of the membership, leaders found couples wanted help in coping with marital pressures. In response, they launched an array of classes targeted to married couples at different ages and with varied needs.
• One pastor of a small church became so convinced of the value of premarital psychological testing that he began sending couples to a professional counselor. The counselor identifies high-risk relationships, gives the pastor advice on problem areas, and suggests how to support the couple before—and after—the wedding. If money is an issue, the counselor donates his services.
• One independent church in Southern California conducts regular retreats for couples married less than five years. Held at a nearby retreat center, the weekend includes presentations, discussion times, and a closing service of prayer and marriage rededication.

What role should churches play in strengthening marriage and preventing divorce? As these examples suggest, the potential and opportunities are great. But I have a growing conviction that, for the most part, churches are failing couples in crisis. They generally avoid taking an active role in helping couples headed for divorce. We need a kind of shock therapy to become alert to the missed opportunities.

Before we can change this picture, we need to understand why increasing numbers of Christians seek divorce. Marital failure stems from three separate but interrelated factors.First, for many in America, the nature of marriage has changed. Research confirms that most now marry primarily for companionship rather than economic security. However, the recency of the shift leaves contemporary couples without the role models and elder guides that were readily available to previous generations.Second, the new emphasis on companionship marriage has evolved at a time when couples are more isolated from networks of family and friends than ever before. High mobility and rugged individualism leave many to struggle alone. Isolation from the church may drive couples to require more than a healthy dose of relationship satisfaction from their marriage, placing further strains on it.Sometimes the church only reinforces this. One large suburban congregation's stock response to hurting couples is to give them the pastor's teaching series on the biblical view of marriage. But it takes far more than tapes to turn around desperately hurting marriages.Third, many couples bear deep emotional scars from growing up in homes troubled by mental illness, divorce, sexual abuse, violence, alcoholism, negligence, harsh discipline, and legalism. Indeed, as family breakdown continues, the pathologies people bring to marriage will increase. These scars cause fears, hurts, and distrust, making companionship marriage all the more difficult.Churches need sensitivity to such changes and will more effectively save marriages if they are aware of five guidelines:

Because trained professionals increasingly treat troubled marriages, pastors and laypersons sometimes wonder what their roles are. Twenty years as a marital therapist, struggling to help hundreds of couples set aside the option of divorce, and 25 years of training congregational lay counselors have convinced me that the church is indispensable. While secular marital therapists can save marriages in many cases, they cannot deal with all the questions about God's love, the role of commitment, and the place of prayer. Professional care is no substitute for pastoral care.In his book Ethics from a Theocentric Perspective, James Gustafson points out that Christians are "stewards" of marriages and families. This not only means families are nurtured through faith in God and participation in church, it also means that the church bears ethical and pastoral obligation to its families. Only as churches take responsibility for the vitality and longevity of marriages can they offer teaching, training, caring, and support that bear fruit.Developing pastoral care and counsel upon a compassionate foundation is essential to stopping the epidemic of divorce. The apostle Paul recognized that suffering prepares us to be empathetic toward others in suffering (2 Cor.1:3-7). That is why couples who have struggled with their own marriages are usually the most compassionate, capable, and ready to help other couples in crisis.

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August (Web-only) 2000, Vol. 44