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While hurting couples need to know they are not alone, seldom will they reach out to fellow church members. They are too likely to fear rejection or feel embarrassment. Breaking through the isolation is not an easy task; it requires a graceful balance between reaching out and honoring the need for privacy and confidentiality. But support is crucial.A pastor once told me he had confided marital difficulties to his denominational superior, who encouraged him to seek counseling. But while as a successful pastor he had received frequent calls from his superior up to that point, the calls immediately ceased. Not only did he miss the earlier support and attention, he now felt abandoned. His faith began to falter, and he longed for encouragement and spiritual guidance. Do couples in crisis feel scorned or neglected by our churches? If so, they may continue to suffer silently, and without the resources of our counsel, our encouragement, and our prayers.

There are several supportive and confidential ways in which churches, pastors, and Christian counselors can break through the isolation of couples in crisis.One way is to help the couple recover hope. Couples in crisis often lack the hope so essential to the work of marital restoration. While they may be committed to the permanence of marriage, prolonged suffering will weaken their resolve. Mere reminders that God wills permanence may actually exacerbate guilt feelings and compound the struggle. The couple may have exhausted their own efforts in praying and studying the Bible, reading self-help books, talking with friends, and counseling with the pastor, only to discover that chronic marital dysfunction is a treacherous adversary against hope. In the end, they see only two alternatives, both undesirable. One, a decision for the right and the good, points toward endless accommodation to marital unhappiness. The other, a decision for divorce, promises a ray of hope at the expense of being destined to a second-class status with God. Couples need prayerful encouragement and skillful challenges to their myopic vision.Couples in crisis also need support for their faith. Perhaps more so than other sufferers, victims of marital dissatisfaction may wrestle with questions about God's goodness or love. They should understand that much of their despair is born of homespun remedies. They need prayer, referral to a competent marital therapist, and ongoing pastoral counsel and care.Churches can create an atmosphere of concern and hope that does not generate more feelings of failure. Pastors and laypersons can learn to detect marital dysfunction early so treatment is less traumatic. Developing a referral network of competent marital therapists is another important supportive measure.

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August (Web-only) 2000, Vol. 44