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The garishly awful Battlefield Earth has taken such drubbing from mainstream critics ( The New York Times says it "may well turn out to be the worst movie of this century") and movie fans (attendance dropped a disastrous 67 percent in its second weekend), that it seems almost cruel to pour salt on those wounds by recounting the many insults it endured at the hands of Christian reviewers. Suffice it to say that the sci-fi adventure, which tells of a human slave who works to overthrow the reign of powerful alien overlords known as Psychlos, is "two hours of pain and agony" (Crosswalk.com's Holly McClure) where "nonsense proceeds at an exponential rate" (Emmett W. Elliott of Christian Spotlight) as if "trying to irritate people" (Planet Wisdom). The only bright spot Christian critics saw was that the film, which was adapted from Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's sci-fi novel and stars outspoken Scientologist John Travolta, didn't proselytize. "Battlefield Earth is not a poster ad for Scientology," says Movieguide, echoing the consensus and putting to rest fears that many moviegoers, Christian and otherwise, had expressed in months past. For the curious, World magazine revealed where the link between fiction and religion was supposed to lie: "Some claim the Psychlos are Hubbard's euphemism for mental health professionals, whose psychotherapy competes with his Dianetics."Because of his reputation as a serious artist who investigates sex, God, and art, Woody Allen has found himself practically apologizing to critics for Small Time Crooks, a movie he calls "frivolous fun." But he needn't protest to Christian reviewers, who found his latest comedy to be much more palatable than his typical, amoral fare. Phil Boatwright of the Dove Foundation says "I laughed my head off [in this] very funny homage to Ralph Kramden and The Honeymooners. … There is even a moral to this story: wealth doesn't bring happiness." The film focuses on an inept ex-con, Ray (Allen), and his wife, Frenchie (Tracey Ullman), as they scheme to pull off a huge heist. "The antics of Ray and his cohorts bumbling and stumbling through the attempted bank robbery, Frenchie's comical one-liners, and Elaine May as Frenchie's dim-witted cousin make this a real entertainment gem," says Preview's Mary Draughon. She notes that unlike most Allen films, "Small Time Crooks has no sex or sexually suggestive material." The U.S. Catholic Conference was less eager to praise, however, calling it a "genial if forgettable tale" and docking points for its "comic treatment of crime."The makers of Center Stage would have made critics happier by excising all plot in favor of dance numbers. This backstage look at the competitive world of ballet dancing features "wonderful music and incredible new styles of dance," says Holly McClure of Crosswalk.com, "which have truly changed and are more exciting than I've ever seen before." Crosswalk.com's Michael Elliott praises one experimental number that "combines the best of jazz, rock and classical forms [and] is simply electric, exploding off the screen with a highly charged energy. [Dance] can express the inner joy and emotion more dynamically than any other art form," he says, citing the Bible's many exhortations to dance. But the ordinary story found between the performances drew fewer accolades. The U.S. Catholic Conference says the "musty narrative is cluttered with predictable subplots about eating disorders, parental pressures and teen-age self-doubt," and Movieguide groaned at the "plot and characters stolen from teen melodramas like TV's Beverly Hills 90210." Countering the majority, Christian Spotlight guest reviewer Kristina James—a ballet dancer and owner of a Christian ballet studio—writes that Center Stage accurately "depicts the fairy tale ballerina's world as the hard life it really is." Her concern is instead with "the sexual scenes and adult content," which makes it unfit for "any of my students to see."Reviews of the kidnapping comedy Screwed place it in competition for the year's worst; right now it's matching Battlefield Earth in degree of abhorrence but losing badly in volume. The Dove Foundation's Phil Boatwright deadpans, "I forget, isn't a comedy supposed to be funny?" and Preview's John Evans recommends you "avoid this one like the plague."

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May (Web-only) 2000, Vol. 44