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This widespread reality doesn't jibe with the promarriage rhetoric I heard growing up in the youth group of a Southern Baptist megachurch. We were told constantly that "God has that special someone out there for you" and that "you should be preparing yourself for that person even now." My youth minister never said anything about how difficult marriage might be after we found that special someone. I can't blame him; he was too busy making sure that we would defer sex until marriage to tell us much about what came afterward.

Critics in non-Christian contexts have noted this aspect of the problem. Reflecting on the Kasses' book in The Atlantic Monthly, Peter Berkowitz articulates one of the things that has always troubled me about most Christian advice on marriage and dating: "If our anti-romantic tendencies persuade us to expect too little from marriage, our romantic tendencies seduce us into expecting too much."

In some ways, overemphasizing (and thus over-romanticizing) marriage may have created more problems among evangelicals than it has solved. Marriage is not always the solution, and singleness is not always a problem. In fact, singleness actually may be preferable to marriage in some cases. Just ask the apostle Paul.

Whatever the case, single believers should not fall prey to the world's trap of entering into dating relationships lightly or without accountability. By the same token, nobody and no book should elevate culturally bound ideas about courtship, marriage, or family over the family of God.

Rob Marus is the director of Mainstream Missouri Baptists in Jefferson City, where he serves as a coteacher of the Twentysomething Singles at First Baptist Church.

Copyright © 2001 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

Solitary Refinement | The church is doing better than ever at ministering to single people. But some evangelical assumptions still need rethinking. (June 4, 2001)

A Singular Mission Field | There are more single people in America than ever—and they need the church as much as ever. (June 4, 2001)

'Surf Here Often?' | Online matchmaking is changing the Christian dating game. (June 5, 2001)

The Man Who Ignited the Dating Debate | I Kissed Dating Goodbye has generated both disgust and delight among singles. But the author says it's not about "not dating." An interview with Joshua Harris. (June 6, 2001)

Christianbook.com offers most of the books referenced in the article, including: Don Rauniker's Choosing God's Best, Jeramy Clark's I Gave Dating a Chance, William Risk's Dating and Waiting, Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries in Dating, and Al Hsu's Singles at the Crossroads. For Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, you'll have to go to Amazon.com or elsewhere.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye is also available in paperback, audiocassette, CD and study guides along with Harris' latest, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship.

Multnomah Publishers features an info site on Joshua Harris and his books including I Kissed Dating Goodbye. There's also streaming audio and video excerpts and promotional materials.

Peter Berkowitz reviewed Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar for The Atlantic Monthly.

The complete Robert Frost line ending with "wing to wing, oar to oar" is included in an inspirational site of Frost quotations.

InterVarsity Press has a few excerpts from Hsu's Singles at the Crossroads.

ChristianityToday.com's singles area has articles from many Christianity Today sister publications of interest to unmarried Christians. It also includes Camerin Courtney's "Single Minded" column, which once examined dating books.

Christianity Today's earlier coverage of Christian single life includes

Sex and the Single Christian | What about the unmarried in their postcollege years? (July 7, 2000))

Women Churchgoers 'Face Growing Difficulty in Finding Partner | British magazine says church is out of single men, especially older ones. (June 7, 2000)

Rob Marus often writes for The Baptist Voice (a publication of Mainstream Missouri Baptists), FaithWorks (where he has written on Christian "family values,"), and other publications.

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June 11 2001, Vol. 45, No. 8