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After the couple completed counseling, friends wanted to know if their relationship was "fixed," Caroline says. The solution, she says, is not that simple. "In a strange way, we're hoping that we can always stay broken in a sense, so that we don't lose the desperation for God and for each other."

Getting caught and confessing left Scott's spirit humbled and broken. "It was literally like living with a different man. And so I felt like we had begun a new marriage, a new relationship. I mean everything in our relationship had to change," she says.

But the key to their survival is that Caroline says she was willing to be broken, too. "I think it would have been really easy for me to put a wall around my heart and just say, 'I'm never going to let anybody hurt me this way again. I can't trust you.' Part of our process of healing, I think, was me saying, 'I'm going to love well, no matter what, even if you continue to hurt me.'" Nevertheless, Caroline says she would consider consequences such as separation if her husband ever fell back into his old habits. "I think a key to this was seeing the changes in him, but also not allowing myself to [be protected] from the pain," she says, "being willing to be open and vulnerable as well."

Part of being vulnerable includes choosing not to be her husband's pornography police officer. "I decided after our counseling that I didn't want to be his watchdog," Caroline says. "I didn't want to check through his bag every night when he came home to see where he had been or what he'd been looking at. I wanted our relationship to be a barometer of how things were going."

Can she ever trust her husband again? Not completely, Caroline says. "I have to put my trust in God, because he is the only one I can trust completely," she says. "And I don't think God asks us in this kind of situation to trust our spouse. I think he asks us to love them no matter what they do."

Editor's Note: The names of this pastor and his wife have been changed.

Christine J. Gardner is a doctoral student at Northwestern University and a former assistant news editor of Christianity Today.

Copyright © 2001 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

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News and reports from Christianity Today:

We've Got Porn | Online smut is taking its toll on Christians. What is the church doing about it?(July 5, 2000)

Internet Pornography Use Common in many Libraries, Report Says | Librarian-researcher claims American Library Association thwarted study. (March 20 , 2000)

Christian Singer Shares Struggles with Pornography | Secret sin of Clay Crosse's youth reappears in midst of ministry (Feb. 7, 2000)

Amazon.com Pulls Book Targeted as 'Kiddie Porn' | But critics say other pedophilia books are still offered. (Jan. 24 , 2000)

Smut Magazine Publishers Convert | (April 26, 1999)

Curbing Smut Legally | Tough ordinances shut down porn outlets. (Feb. 8, 1999)

Christian Leaders Target Cyberporn | (Jan. 6, 1997)

Advice and experience from Leadership magazine:

Hooked | First he turned on the computer, then the computer turned on him. (Winter 2001)

Alone with my lust | Until my pastor held me accountable. (Summer 1996)

The War Within Continues | An update on a Christian leader's struggle with lust.(Fall 1988)

Battle Strategy: Some Practical Advice | An update on a Christian leader's struggle with lust.(Fall 1982)

Help with temptation and sex from Marriage Partnership:

Cybersex Temptation | Porn is as close as your home computer—and it's hooking Christians. (Fall 2000)

Real Sex | By Louis and Melissa McBurney (Fall 1996)

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March 5 2001, Vol. 45, No. 4