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What has to happen inside before you finally say enough is enough?

I'd had people do that tough love thing, saying we can't watch you die like this. But one night, I chose to hole up in my house, and I just felt impotent. I felt pathetic. I felt that I was throwing away my life. And then, you know, I felt some sort of spiritual awakening. I always felt there was something a little more going on in this universe than, you know, we're floating around here. I figured it's 50/50, and I'd go with something else, there's something a little more evolved than just us humans. Something spiritual. But it was dark for many years. The alcohol blotted that out. And I was washed over with this feeling I had to do something because life is precious. I called friends and said, "Take me to a hospital. I don't want to die in my own home." And when I got to the hospital, I had no shame anymore. I didn't say I'm proud I'm an alcoholic, but in my gut I was proud that I could say it, and then I knew that, just like I knew when I became a comedian, there was no looking back.

When you say you were always spiritual, what does that mean in your life?

I was born into the Jewish faith, and I enjoyed learning that story. And likewise, I enjoyed learning about other religions. And I think I did because I actually felt that it was something very beautiful and very life affirming about it. But the more I saw what's going on in real life, and how millions and millions of people are killed under the name of that kind of deity, that became a source for me to become agnostic at the very least. It seemed meaningless to me, and it seemed like trying to have a fake belief system. So for many years I lost any interest in trying to find that kind of spirituality and belief. I was pushed into it again because I really did try everything humanly possible to stop drinking and I couldn't. Even atheists will go, "Oh God, help me get out of this traffic jam." They might not be calling on anyone in particular, but I am. When I hit my knees, I'm calling on a little private God that I have that I know exists for me. Just for me.

Part of my own journey with God has been not only to come to an understanding that God exists, but to believe that that God has some sort of love.

I choose to agree with you on that. But on a more mortal level, on a more psychological level, what I've learned also is that it's easy for me to say that God is looking out for me. On the other hand, I also have to look out for myself. I choose to have compassion for me. Even though that might sound very self-centered again, it's the flip-flop of what the alcoholic does. It's like nothing matters but getting high. And now, nothing matters more than not getting high.

Is there some kind of common thought every day?

It's a day at a time to lick this disease because it'll never go away. I'll die an alcoholic, but hopefully a sober one. But I try to get myself out of the equation because, quite frankly, being an alcoholic so many years is such a self-centered existence. You don't have to be an alcoholic to know this. If I tried a million times in my lifetime to create this scenario, it would never work out.

Copyright © 2002 Dick Staub

Visit DickStaub.com for audio and video of his radio program (4-7 p.m. PST), media reviews, and on news "where belief meets real life." The full text of this interview will be for sale on the website soon.

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June (Web-only) 2002, Vol. 46