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Since 1999 Staines has traveled widely. "As I travel the length and breadth of India, there is a lot of support for my cause," Staines said. But Staines told CT that people most often ask her why a peace-loving man like her husband and two innocent kids were murdered. "I will never have answers to those questions, maybe only in heaven," she said.

Staines does not hide emotional wounds, which are still raw. "If we don't experience the grace of God, we become bitter. We have to turn to God, not to others. Experience forgiveness and forgive others. Grace is available. Once you forgive, there will be healing."

Whenever people praise her for her act of courage and goodness, she becomes uncomfortable. "I am an ordinary woman with all the baggage an ordinary woman carries. I am like anybody else," she says. "I need to be often in communion with God, so please don't put me on a pedestal. I am very human. I get discouraged.

"My prayer to the Lord is: Take me as I am. You know how precious stones become crystal clear? They go through polishing and hardship, and that's how our lives should be."

Staines said memories of Graham, Philip, and Timothy are never far from her mind. "I keep having this dream that my husband and the kids are playing in a vast green field with lovely landscape.

"It is like paradise, and they are playing with each other, including with my mother. I picture heaven like this and get comfort. I know the Lord loves little children."

And with the hope comes a deeper empathy: "When I see boys with their mothers and little children, I sense the hurt. The pain is there."

S. David and Manpreet Singh are journalists in India.

Copyright © 2003 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

Previous Christianity Today coverage of the Staines family includes:

Take Up Arms Against Missionaries, Says Hindu Leader | Clouds darkening over India. (March 6, 2001)

Australian Missionary's Murderer Arrested | Evading police for more than a year, Singh was arrested in February for the murder of Australian Baptist missionary Graham Staines. (April 3, 2000)

Arrest made in India murder of missionary Graham Staines | Hindu radical apprehended after one year, but Christians claim state oppression now main problem. (Jan. 31, 2000)

Murdered missionary's widow will continue his work with India's lepers | Impression of India 'not at all' changed by murder of husband and children (Dec. 1, 1999)

Hindus Protest Papal Visit to India | Fundamentalists accuse Christians of 'forced conversions' (Nov. 16, 1999)

Hindu Radical Fingered in Staines Killing (Sept. 6, 1999)

The Fiery Rise of Hindu Fundamentalism | After a missionary and his two sons are martyred, Christians in India press for greater religious freedom. (Mar. 1, 1999)

Mainstream media coverage of the Graham Staines murder and trial includes:

Staines accused not Bajrang men: CBI—The Indian Express (Jan. 27, 2003)

Staines murder accused not Bajrang Dal activists: CBI—The Times of India (Jan. 27, 2003)

Missionary killing defense denied—The Sunday Mail, Australia (Jan. 17, 2003)

Staines was not converting tribals: CBI—PTI (Jan. 16, 2003)

Indian confesses in missionary killing—BBC (Feb. 2, 2002)

12 associates join Dara in hunger strike— Rediff.com (June 9, 2001)

Dara Singh's condition 'serious'— Rediff.com (June 8, 2001)

Christian body alleges persecution of Staines' widow— Rediff.com (March 3, 2001)

'I wanted to teach Staines a lesson, not kill him'— Rediff.com (Feb. 2, 2000)

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February 2003, Vol. 47, No. 2