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If we know that confronting someone likely will not help matters, then our goal should shift to forgiveness. By letting go of animosity we not only act graciously but also do ourselves an enormous favor—we remove any possibility that the offender's action will continue to frustrate us. Forgiving is the most supremely assertive step we can take.

Tom Wolfe observed that effective writing depends more on what writers leave out than what they include. In the same way, we sometimes influence someone more through what we don't say than what we do say. We are more effectively assertive in these cases by holding our peace.

Not that we should use silence as a weapon. If we decline to confront people in order to hurt them through our silence, then we're still giving them too much control over our well-being. Rather, our attitudes in silence should center on resolving the problem and forgiving the offender from our hearts.

It also helps to know that the anger we've overcome in forgiveness will not remain buried in some deep recess of our psyche, only to come back later to haunt or damage us. At worst, we may feel a little embarrassed—that friends may think we've lost our senses for having let go of anger so successfully.

Centuries before Dale Carnegie preached his doctrine of not criticizing, Jesus urged similar constraint: "Judge not, that you be not judged" (Matt. 7:1, rsv). That statement surely stunned many listeners.

The judgment we express to someone else—or merely nurture in our hearts—typically flies back in our faces like sand thrown into an approaching wind, Jesus indicates. By criticizing others, we spur them to look more diligently for our faults. Jesus implies a deeper principle here, too—that God will humble those who seek to humble others.

His command suggests a vital psychological insight. The fact that we feel intensely critical of someone often indicates we're guilty of a similar offense—or at least find ourselves strongly tempted in that direction.

Jesus continues: "For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matt. 7:2-5).

Beyond any question, Jesus intended the spirit of nonjudgmentalism to pervade the Christian life. His language is emphatic—judge not—almost as though he entertains no exceptions. Did he mean there is absolutely never a time when we should criticize anyone? Clearly not, for he implies we'll sometimes need to address the "speck" in another's eye. Yet the emphasis in his imagery could not be plainer. We should focus primarily on our own problems, and require a strong burden of proof before approaching others about theirs.

Jesus' teaching also indicates that venting for its own sake is never justified. Most likely it will be damaging, both to the person we rebuke and to ourselves.

My dad must have known this well. The letter I found was not a carbon or photocopy, but the original, folded inside a sealed, addressed, stamped envelope. It was painstakingly argued, thoroughly justified, even constructive in its criticism—and it was never mailed.

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February 2003, Vol. 47, No. 2