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Evasive responders will know that there is a problem and they will admit it, but they'll run away from it. They want to protect themselves. In doing that they're going to compromise relationships and often twist the truth. Evasive people are very common in the church. In fact, most evangelical churches, I would say, are functionally evasive when it comes to conflict. They're always trying to make it go away by minimizing it.

Defensive responders are pastors or leaders who will respond in a way to promote themselves. And that usually means manipulating relationships and bending the truth. These are folks who will ride one aspect of the problem for all it's worth and ignore some other truths.

Where the passive responder is someone who doesn't want to admit there's any problems, the aggressive responder says, "Let's get at it." He then—through language or sometimes even physically abusive tendencies—attacks or shames. These people are all about power. They want to empower themselves, they control relationships. This is the pastor who stands up and says, "This is the way we're going and if you don't like it, leave." This is destructive.

How can a church reconcile all these personalities?

The point is to see ourselves truthfully. All of us have one of these styles we employ habitually. The first step to learning anything is to understand what the dynamics of the situation are. This is the first part of seeing ourselves truthfully so that we could be not passive, not aggressive, but redemptive in our approach as Christ calls us to be.

How do you actually get people back to that starting point?

We call everyone to the foot of the cross. We call everyone to acknowledge where they've been wrong and where they, in seeing themselves truthfully, can begin to be redemptive. You start with confession: "This is what I've been thinking. This is how I've held bitterness in my heart."

A redemptive approach to handling conflict, unlike the four personalities we learned about earlier, calls to a spiritual dynamic that is impossible for us to do alone. It has to be done guided by God's word, empowered by his Spirit, and lived out in the community of faith.

Copyright © 2003 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

Visit DickStaub.com for audio and video of his radio program (4-7 p.m. PST), media reviews, and news on "where belief meets real life."

Recent Dick Staub Interviews include:

Texas Pastor James Robison on the Life-Changing Faith of George W. Bush | The president of Life Outreach International talks about his friend's faith, the moral need of America, and his own conversion. (March 11, 2003)

National Book Award Finalist Ron Hansen on Christian Fiction | It's important to instruct while entertaining, but method can be as important as message, says the author of Isn't It Romantic? and Atticus. (March 4, 2003)

Gods and Generals' Director Links the Civil War with Today | Ron Maxwell talks about the role his faith plays in his career and what attracts him to the generation of the 1860s. (Feb. 25, 2003)

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Did Martin Luther Get Galileo In Trouble? | David Lindberg talks about the early relationship between science and faith and his own journey on the subject (Feb. 4, 2003)

Dan Bahat on Jerusalem Archaeology  | One of Israel's leading archaeologists talks about the importance of the Temple Mount and key historical finds in the Holy Land. (Jan. 27, 2003)

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March (Web-only) 2003, Vol. 47