2 of 3

So what are the implications of that for the small-group movement in churches?

That's a huge issue. One of the concerns I have about the small group movement is how often it gets talked about in terms of affinity: Find people who you like and who you are like and hang out with them. It may be from a numerical point of view that that's the quickest way to grow big numbers in a small group system (which churches sometimes kind of idolize). But the people in the groups won't grow unless they're in groups with folks who are different than them.

But we all want normal people in our lives. You know the movie As Good As It Gets? Toward the end of the movie, Helen Hunt is crying and says, "All I want is a normal boyfriend." And her mom says, "Everybody wants one of those, dear. There is no such thing."

The good news is that once you accept the fact that you're not normal and neither are other people, then authentic community really does become possible. When somebody authentically self-discloses, people are drawn to that like to a magnet. But they're defensive or closed to their weirdness, it becomes a repulsion.

But sometimes disclosure isn't advisable. What kind of limitations should we put on our authenticity?

For any church, authenticity is important because people can smell it when they come in. But there are deep levels of brokenness in everybody's life, and if I tell them to somebody else, they could use that information to hurt me, to hurt my job, to hurt my family. That's where you have to take an appropriate amount of time where I get to know they're trustworthy.

How do you know who the person is that you can trust those deepest secrets with?

You can't force it. You can open yourself up to it, but when that kind of friendship comes, there's always a gift element. There's always a risk involved, too. I always look for somebody who makes me happy when I'm around him. If I don't experience joy when I hear somebody's voice, I can love him, but I'm not going to be in a deep, trusted friendship with him.

You also have to be able to respect their character. When I make a fairly small disclosure, how do they respond? Do they rush to give me advice or do they listen patiently? Do they reciprocate? Do they disclose at an appropriate level or is it all flowing just one way? Do they gossip to other people about it? Do they get judgmental about it? And I think people need to learn to be watching and, in a sense, kind of testing all the time so they can keep moving a relationship deeper.

Copyright © 2004 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

Visit DickStaub.com for audio and video of his radio program (4-7 p.m. PST), media reviews, and news on "where belief meets real life."

Also appearing on our site today:

Loving 'As Is' People | Everybody's Normal Till You Get To Know Them explores pursuing the dream of community with imperfect people.

PreachingTodayAudio.com, a Christianity Today sister site, offers several of Ortberg's sermons.

MP3 samples of Ortberg's If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat are available at several sites online.

Ortberg's articles for Christianity Today include:

The 'Shyness' of God | Self-centeredness is cured by looking deeply within the life of the Trinity (Feb. 16, 2001)

We Can Overcome | A CT forum examines the subtle nature of the church's racial division—and offers hope. With Elward Ellis, Robert Franklin, Charles Lyons, John Ortberg, J.I. Packer, Edward Gilbreath, and Mark Galli (Sept. 29, 2000)

next page... |  2 of 3

share this page

May (Web-only) 2003, Vol. 47