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That was a turning point. It was a personal challenge to me because I was right at the heart of one of the tensions. And I was not performing well. It was really an invitation to expect God to be present, Jesus has to be right here in our midst.

One of the points that you make in your chapter on presence and intimacy is the time factor involved in pursuing God in the company of friends. And you talk about Jesus and how he had a way of using his time that reached a lot of people but maximized that company of friends as a more important use of his time.

The whole notion there is a focus on the few for the sake of the many. This is an ancient notion and well discussed by Robert Coleman in his book of 40 years ago, The Master Plan of Evangelism. The idea of being intentional with people can be a little intimidating because it feels like, if I spend more time with this member of my small group then do I have to be fair about it? Just realize, Jesus focused on a few. He had 12 that he spent a lot of time with, and he had three that he was even more intimate with. And his pattern of relationship can be our pattern as well.

You talk about getting with people different than you are. Well, most churches are based around affinity groups. They're based around homogenous units.

That may be true church by church, but you can still go into any small group you find and look around and say, oh, these people aren't like me. And that may be our natural gut reaction. But the second reaction, which we need to train ourselves into, is to say, thank God they're not like me. I'm in this group, and I have something to learn from them. I have something to learn from them and not just because they're all my demographic. No, the people here who are pretty different from me are here for a reason, and I have something to learn.

Many times the company of friends doesn't really have a stated leader, but there is an interplay between serving and leading.

Part of what I'm trying to recover is the notion that friendship and intentionality somehow don't go together. Friendship should be spontaneous. Intentionality implies work and insincerity. And I'm saying the deepest friendships are going to be highly intentional where we think about people even when they're not in the room, and we pray for them even beyond what they're asking prayer for.

That's a part of the case I'm trying to make that the effort and thoughtfulness applied to our friendships really strengthens those friendships.

What about somebody who hungers for community, but they feel they are alone? They don't feel like they have any friends, and what you're describing is even making that feel more painful.

I think everybody has a chance to find a group, like a small group or a new church perhaps, or a new small group. But you show up at that church or at that small group and you look around and you say, these people aren't like me. Or, I don't really feel like this is really meeting my needs. And one of the primary pathways or primary steps to community is to decide to make a commitment to a community.

You say this small group didn't meet my needs tonight. And it may not meet my needs for several months, but if I commit to this group of people over time, by virtue of that commitment I'm going to experience a deeper experience of community. I will no longer be alone. Then I can make other choices like deciding I am going to let them know what's going on in my life. I'm not just going to wait around and see if they like me. I'm going to be a part of making this group community for me.

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November (Web-only) 2003, Vol. 47