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Evangelicals frequently promote an idealized narrative of women's lives that begins with a marriage between virgins in early adulthood, a household in which men are financially dominant, two or three children arriving just on time, and a few housepets thrown in for good measure. This is, however, no longer an accurate story of most American women's lives. Marriage between young virgins is becoming increasingly rare, as people marry later (age 26 on average), and well over 80 percent are sexually active before adulthood. Nearly half of American adults are unmarried, and about half of those married get divorced. One in five Americans struggle with infertility at some point, and millions experience miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or child death.

Scripture's sorrowful mothers
A quick look at our culture shows that idealized images of motherhood are inaccurate, and Scripture reveals the same. Ruth was left childless and widowed at a young age. Rachel, Hannah, and Sarah were infertile. Eve and Mary lost sons under terrible circumstances. Two mothers of two kings, both named Ahaziah, encouraged their sons to be wicked and unjust. The prodigal son acted with terrible disrespect toward each of his parents. Scripture tells stories like those in our churches: women in diverse life circumstances, sometimes thriving, sometimes coping, and sometimes going under.

The fairy tale of marriage and motherhood is just that, a fairy tale. Our culture is one of motherhood deferred due to later childbearing, motherhood disrupted by divorce, motherhood lost by infant/child death and miscarriage, and motherhood unachieved due to infertility and undesired singleness. Of course, our culture also includes wonderful families with strong marriages and happy children. The point is that there is not a one-size-fits-all journey of womanhood, and we hurt women in our churches by venerating one path over all others.

If we consider Mother's Day within the liturgical calendar, we could rely on the gospel reading for May 9 of this year, John 13:31-35:

At the last supper, when Judas had gone out, Jesus said, "Now the Son of Man has been glorified, and God has been glorified in him. If God has been glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself and will glorify him at once. Little children, I am with you only a little longer. You will look for me; and as I said to the Jews so now I say to you, 'Where I am going, you cannot come.' I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

Jesus didn't promise his disciples that they would be happy, or, relevant to Mother's Day, that they would have good relationships with their mothers or that they would be parents. In fact, he said they would experience sadness and longing in life, even in their relationship with him when he would no longer be with them. Likewise, we may be deeply disappointed in life: in our longings to be mothers, our attempts to become mothers, and in our needs to be mothered. Some of us will give and receive mother-love, and others of us won't. This is sad, but true. Motherhood must not be the resting place for women's tender hopes for wholeness. Like Jesus' disciples, we are called to love each other and to love God. Love will make us whole.

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May (Web-only) 2004, Vol. 48