2 of 7

This is not to say that education is pointless. All of us have learned a technique or two that helps. But to assume that education is THE KEY to saving marriage in the United States—I see no evidence that this is true, and much evidence to the contrary.

Whether education can save marriage is a good question, I thought. So on my first day I posed it to Scott Stanley, cofounder of the leading marriage education course, PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program). Stanley is a well-known researcher and a committed Christian. Slight and mild-mannered, he could pass for the quintessential research nerd. He jokes that his bumper sticker reads, "So much data, so little time."

The question seemed to faintly annoy him. People have an irritating habit, he said, of assuming that what you do reflects what you consider most significant. "If I had to choose between education and changing the culture," he answered, "I'd take the culture." Stanley went on to say, however, that the choice isn't so black and white. When churches, schools, the military, and the government get involved in teaching people how to stay married, they affect the culture. They make a statement: "Marriage is important."

The bottom line, Stanley was saying, is that educational programs contribute to the welfare of marriages. You can moan about individualism and hedonism, but what matters is doing something to help.

Take PREP. "Research is overwhelmingly clear that the '60s were wrong," Stanley tells a training seminar for Christian PREP, a variant of PREP that integrates scriptural teaching. "It's bad to 'get it all out.'"

Couples inevitably have differences, and angry, escalating arguments only make matters worse. PREP teaches couples to get to the heart of their issues via a technique called "speaker-listener," in which one partner holds the floor while the other can speak only to paraphrase what he or she hears. When one partner has had an uninterrupted say, the other partner gets his or her turn. The idea is to slow down communication and minimize emotional escalation.

Since this is Christian PREP, Stanley brings out James 1:19: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." What researchers see is exactly what Scripture says, Stanley claims, pointing out the many Bible verses that warn against angry, hurtful speech.

A therapist in the audience is troubled. "It seems to me you are assuming that the couple wants the marriage to work. Sometimes couples don't have that commitment."

Stanley agrees, but points out that you can't tell in advance. "Some have checked out; they are already in another relationship. Others have checked out, but they would come back in if they had any reason to believe it could really work." If couples experience real communication with their spouses through PREP, he says, their willingness to commit may be rekindled.

My friend also questioned the goal of marriage education. Could it be, he wrote, that marriage counseling that begins with the assumption that it is really important to make couples happy, fulfilled, and so on, will simply exacerbate the problem? If you enter marriage assuming/hoping/wishing that it will make you happier, and then you find that it doesn't, what option do you have but to assume it was a mistake and that your true love awaits you somewhere else?

next page... |  2 of 7

share this page

November 2004, Vol. 48, No. 11