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One woman recalled sitting in the back of church while kids with their parents sat up front. This passing comment was a powerful image revealing the truth that children of divorce were often relegated, even if only figuratively, to the back of the church.

What light do your findings shed on your understanding of marriage?

Marriage is a complex institution that secures mothers and fathers for the children that their sex acts create. It is flawed, but it's the most pro-child social institution that virtually all civilizations have come up with so far. It's a rich and fairly radical idea that different people should come together and do something really hard, like stay together for a lifetime despite everything in the culture that's encouraging them to go it alone.

How many divorces are unnecessary?

We have this misperception that when people get divorced, it's because they're at each other's throats. Solid research has found that about one-third of divorces end high-conflict marriages. Children on average do better when a high-conflict, abusive, and violent marriage ends.

But most marriages that are ending in divorce are low-conflict and look a lot like the ones that are staying together. Research shows that married couples generally fight about the same five things: money, sex, in-laws, religion, and time. Some choose to get divorced over it; some don't. If, after divorce, you could find new strength within yourself to get past your issues and cooperate with your ex, then you could do it before he or she is your ex.

What do you say to spouses in low-conflict marriages who grow apart?

It is troubling to live in a marriage when you're not sure if you love each other; that hurts. But the kids are largely unaware of these things. If you're living with your children and taking care of them, if you're not fighting much, that's what your children care about. Your preschooler doesn't care if you're having great sex with your husband. But she will be concerned when suddenly she wakes up every day and Daddy's not there like he used to be.

Did you ask your respondents about the commandment to honor fathers and mothers?

Those with married parents generally said something like this: The older I get, the more I realize what my parents did for me. Honoring my parents means, as they get older, I'll take care of them.

People from divorced families had a very different reaction. The command immediately caused them to question what their parents did for them. If Dad abandoned the family and Mom heroically raised them on her own in trying circumstances, they said, I honor my mom. Given everything she did for me, how could I not? But they got stuck on the issue of how to honor their father.

Some said, I just can't honor my parents. They weren't there for me, father or mother. Often people who said that were either kind of stuck in their faith journey or were not interested.

What about those with an active faith?

They said that the commandment called them to stay in relationship with their parents, when they might otherwise have abandoned it. It was both hopeful and sad. It was a sign of how weak their family relationships had become, but also how powerful a faith journey can be in helping you find a sense of wholeness even amidst these broken family relationships.

Copyright © 2006 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce is available from Amazon.com and other book retailers.

The Between Two Worlds website has the full survey data, a clergy room, book excerpts, as well as talks and interviews.

More information, including an excerpt, is available from Crown Books.

Elizabeth Marquardt blogs at Family Scholars Blog.

A collection of Christianity Today articles on marriage is available on our website.

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March 2006, Vol. 50, No. 3