3 of 3

Suicide survivor literature is full of clichés for banishing guilt, such as, "If love could have saved your family member, they'd still be alive." It's a Band-Aid approach that helps in the short run but offers little lasting relief. I am convinced that Gabriel's death represents communal failure. His personal foundations had continually eroded over several years. Some of that erosion was his own fault; much of it was beyond his control. At the heart of my guilt is the fact that I was exhausted and distracted by ongoing trials. I wasn't there for him in the way he needed.

In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman writes,

Beyond the issues of shame and doubt, traumatized people struggle to arrive at a fair and reasonable assessment of their conduct, finding a balance between unrealistic guilt and denial of all moral responsibility. In coming to terms with issues of guilt, the survivor needs the help of others who are willing to recognize that a traumatic event has occurred, to suspend their preconceived judgments, and simply to bear witness to her tale. When others can listen without ascribing blame, the survivor can accept her own failure to live up to ideal standards at the moment of extremity. Ultimately, she can come to a realistic judgment of her conduct and a fair attribution of responsibility.

Survivors need time and space to come to a realistic self-assessment. I trust that for me, the crucible will forge a better person, and lead to peace.

Kheriaty closed his message with a meditation on the Prince of Peace.

On the cross and in his agony, our Lord suffered not just our physical afflictions, but our mental anguish as well. Out of the depths we cry to him, and he reaches down into our depths to raise us up with him. God knows the depth of our suffering. He knows our fragile heart. And Christ's own heart, a heart of flesh, a heart both human and divine, is merciful beyond measure. It is in this mercy that we place our hope. It is into these hands stretched out on the cross in a gesture of love that we entrust Gabriel.

Amen. When I think of all that Gabriel suffered in this life, I do not understand. I find it difficult to trust God or engage him with the intimacy I once enjoyed. And yet every day, I inhale moments of grace. I am immeasurably grateful for the privilege of being Gabriel's mother. By faith, I now see my serendipitous meeting with Aaron Kheriaty not as a cosmic joke, but as evidence of God's immanence.

As Gabriel was walking out the door of this life, I called out after him, "I love you." Love is as strong as death, wrote Solomon. The love of God is stronger.

Christine A. Scheller is a writer living in central New Jersey.

Copyright © 2009 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.

Christianity Today has a special section on death & dying.

Other articles on suicide include:

Suicide — A Preventable Tragedy? | A ministry helps churches handle the complex issue. (July 6, 2000)

CT Classic: Suicide and the Silence of Scripture | Though the church has come to opposing conclusions about the fate of victims, we have a mandate to minister to those left behind. (July 6, 2000)

Is Suicide Unforgivable? | What is the biblical hope and comfort we can offer a suicide victim's family and friends? (July 6, 2000)

first page |  3 of 3

share this page

April 2009, Vol. 53, No. 4