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Christianity Today, July, 2009 |

Throwing Inkwells

'Honor Thy Father' for Grownups

Or, how not to be a deadbeat son or daughter.

Mollie Ziegler Hemingway | posted 7/01/2009 09:13AM

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Keep in mind the value of the individual. Christians believe that our worth begins in the womb, and doesn't end until we are cradled to our Father's bosom. When so many people determine worth based on what you can do or contribute, it becomes easy to disregard the elderly as useless. But it is our Father in heaven who determines who is worthy. One's identity isn't changed by illness.

Ultimately, caring for parents reminds us that the commandment to honor and love our elders never expires, giving us an opportunity to love others as Christ has loved us.

One friend recalled having to bathe his grandfather. "Being a typical self-absorbed college student, I wasn't thrilled about the prospect," he said. But he quickly became mindful of Christ's humility and service toward us.

"This was nothing compared to what Jesus had done for me—this was nothing compared to what my parents and grandparents had done for me. This was my vocation as son and grandson," he said.

It's our vocation, too.

Related Elsewhere:

Previous columns by Mollie Ziegler Hemingway include:

Civil Religion's Sharper Teeth | All believers welcome, so long as they aren't religious. (April 27, 2009)

California's Temper Tantrum | How the gay rights movement lost more than Proposition 8. (March 5, 2009)

In Over His Pay Grade | When science is made 'apolitical' and 'unencumbered by religion,' it's usually to hyper-politicize and hyper-sacralize it. (March 23, 2009)

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July 2009, Vol. 53, No. 7, Page 52

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BETTE DEWING

Posted: July 15, 2009 7:19 AM

i AM RE-SUBSCRIBING TO Chrsitianity Today becaue of this piece on a subject so dear to my heart as a mother of adults and my work as a columnist and social activist. It's a subject rarely addressed in all its terrible truths even by faith groups. Increasingly elders in our soicety have become "bit players" if that in the lives of their younger family members - even when ailing and alone. Faith groups usually go along with this age apartheid societal system. Most elders keep their sorrows to themselves, unlike their "youngers' who endlessly blame parents for any/all their problems. The great majority of mothers and fathers actively selflessly care about their offspring as much and often more than anyone else ever will- and until "death do us part." Yet so many only reap indifference and neglect. Parents/other family neglected kindred too, please join my grassroots movement to protest this heartbreaking indifference and sin. (dewingbetter@aol.com.

Valerie

Posted: July 14, 2009 8:45 PM

My parents are both 85 years old. They have been very independent until just the past few months when my dad blacked out while driving causing a serious accident. Luckily everyone walked away although the car he struck, flipped. The accident led to compresion fractures in his spine. My mom, who lost the vision in one eye completely about two years ago, is limited vision in the other and now is the designated driver! My brothers and I have tried to offer our advice and guidance, but they are certainly still the parents...believe me...we have even had the doctor's tell them that she cannot drive. However, the Department of Motor Vehicles says that she can...and she will. But, as Paul Harvey would have said, "now the rest of the story": They are wonderful about letting me take care of them in so many ways. I run errands for them as much as I can. They are such a delight, even as stubborn and difficult as they can be at times. I am happy that I live less than a mile away.

Daughter

Posted: July 13, 2009 5:33 PM

My mother excluded me for years & chose my brother who ran off with her money & left me to take care of her in her last painful 4 months. Mom & I reconciled & I was with her to the end. Brother didn't even come to funeral. She lived in a way that made it difficult to be a devoted daugther. She was mean, a liar, played everyone against each other. Husband's parents are cold, virtual strangers. We'd never consider caring for them & wouldn't feel guilty for not. They weren't warm & loving all his life & caused many problems. Let his sisters do their duty or parents can deplete their treasured fortune in a nursing home unless they figure out a way to take it with them. They are trying to. Reality: some parents don't want intimacy, not then, not now. You never know the real story of the harmless looking lonely old person so don't ever judge their kids. In the end, we all reap what we sow.

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