Reviews, Interviews, News, Commentaries, Excerpts, My Top 5 Books, Wilson's Bookmarks, Book AwardsIt's Not Enough to Find "The One"
Second, I would have preferred that Thomas anchor some of his arguments more explicitly and robustly in the gospel of grace. To be fair, Thomas does bring in the gospel at key points. But since we may never make perfectly clean choices, we need the good news that God is still faithful to redeem our poor choices, and an additional section to this effect would have strengthened the book. At moments I felt Thomas was being a bit too optimistic in his approach to the marriage search. While I agree with almost everything he suggests, life is messy, and even the most well-made marriage choices unite two sinners who must fight for faith and fight for grace, with and for each other. Since even the godliest marriages are fallen and finite, Jesus is the key, not good behavioral instincts.
In no way do I think Thomas was commending a legalistic, behavior-centered approach. But readers less initiated in filling in the gospel blanks may come away with something like that impression. Also, I would have appreciated a bit more on what it looks like to be led by biblical truth and wisdom, and to find someone who really is a potentially good spouse, but who is still in the throes of spiritual growth. What does that look like? How does one tell between someone who should not be pursued and someone who is a good choice but has not arrived yet? I can see that many thoughtful young people might wrestle with what seems to be over-simplicity at points.
Would I give this book to the young people of my church? Yes, I would. To my children? Indeed. Like I said at the beginning, I am glad this book is on the market, and I am thankful for the vision-shaping truths it conveys.
Jay Thomas is pastor of Chapel Hill Bible Church in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. He is the co-author, with Gerald Hiestand, of Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach (Crossway).
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Hugh Wetmore
Yes, Susan, our views do change - the key is to start on the same basis and sustain compatibility of views as we change and mature. 51 years ago when we married, we believed we both had found The Right Person to marry, the One-and-Only whom God had predestined us to marry. It has been a fulfilling and complementary partnership. But we don't believe that one-and-only story any more. Because it doesn't stand closer examination (by Reformed or Arminian standards). If just one person in human history made a mistake and married the 'wrong' person, the 'wrong' children would have been born and God's 'plan' for human history would have been messed up. Thomas is right - we must know WHY, and the Type of Person we marry. God is always sovereignly in control and works through the Choices of our human wills. He is redemptive, and any bad-choice marriage can be saved. I'm glad Thomas has written a book I can agree with so enthusiastically!
Steve Skeete
I agree that in marriage things and people do change. Good marriage counselling (which I believe all persons entering marriage should be encourage to acquire), will prepare, or at least alert persons, not only to this fact, but that all relationships go through difficult periods. For me, some vital marriage ingredients include commitment for the long haul and the willingness to work through tough times when you 'feel' like you want to give up or you can't go on. 'Til death do us part' and 'for better or worse' are still sensible prerequisites that call for far more resilience and strength of character than 'compatibility' or 'views' on difficult socio/politcal matters. Do we need another book on marriage? Sure! What about one that rises to its defense? Or one that defines it in a way that is true to the Bible, yet is designed to help those who struggle understand it? Certainly we need one that explains why this human institution has had universal acclaim and esteem, until recently.
Susan Gillespie
I'm surprised by the admonition to consider 'secondary characteristics' such as views on gender, parenting and general lifestyle. I've been married 34 years, and we have changed a lot on all of those things. I'd worry about making a strict decision on rigid 'agreements' like that - you're likely to be disappointed in many ways if you think such things will remain static during a lifetime. Better your intended should be intent on following Jesus (and yes, sadly, I realize that sometimes changes, too).