Reviews, Interviews, News, Commentaries, Excerpts, My Top 5 Books, Wilson's Bookmarks, Book AwardsIt's Not Enough to Find "The One"
What were you thinking when you chose to marry this person? If honest, those are the thoughts most pastors have had when counseling a couple in crisis. We may never actually say it aloud. But we think it.
The thought is moot, of course. By that point it is too late. No longer is it a "start over" mission, especially for the pastor who will fight for redemption, not divorce. Thus, for the pastor who believes in lifelong covenants, it is a "miracle of redemption" mission. In those situations, the point is to find the renewal only the gospel can provide and to point that couple toward to the gospel at every turn. And yet, when a couple comes to you for help but won't stop bickering across the couch, those moot thoughts can flood your mind. If only they could have backed up and started this off right! If only they knew what they were getting into when they were dating! I wish this was pre-marital counseling, not divorce avoidance counseling!
What if we could turn back the clock and help singles discover the path of wisdom with regard to choosing a spouse? What would I say?
One of the ways to strengthen marriages is to parachute, so to speak, into a person's life before they are married, in order to guide their motives, emotions, purposes, and vision of what marriage is all about. Only in that light, after all, can we gain insight into whom they should marry. This is essentially what Gary Thomas is after in The Sacred Search (David C. Cook), a book that follows upon his well-known Sacred Marriage. Thomas wrote this book as a ministry to help singles realize that why and how they find a spouse is a fundamental ingredient in the health of the future marriage. Like a golfer that realizes the success of the shot is in the swing, so a marriage must be set up right by the heart, motives, passions, and vision one uses to choose a spouse in the first place. "It's not," he writes, "that the "who" doesn't matter (in fact, it matters very much); it's just that asking and settling the "why" question first will set you up to make a wise choice about the "who."
Let me pose two questions before proceeding. First, does the world really need another book like this? Well, in many ways Thomas does not say anything new. I believe he would freely admit that. As a co-author of a book on relationships, I felt called to contribute another entry into to this genre because individual books have shelf lives, and certain writers tend to attract certain audiences. Some people will read a book on an important topic because they like the author. Thus, that person is now exposed to helpful truth. So, yes, I think it is important that books like this keep coming into the market, with a fresh voice and a fresh readership. Second, do books like this handle Scripture in a way that Scripture was meant to be handled? I found Thomas's handling of Scripture and theological themes appropriate and in accord with the authorial intent of those passages. One may not agree with every nuance, and I will get to some of my cautions in this review, but I believe books like Sacred Search are valid expressions of the truth and the point of Scripture.
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Hugh Wetmore
Yes, Susan, our views do change - the key is to start on the same basis and sustain compatibility of views as we change and mature. 51 years ago when we married, we believed we both had found The Right Person to marry, the One-and-Only whom God had predestined us to marry. It has been a fulfilling and complementary partnership. But we don't believe that one-and-only story any more. Because it doesn't stand closer examination (by Reformed or Arminian standards). If just one person in human history made a mistake and married the 'wrong' person, the 'wrong' children would have been born and God's 'plan' for human history would have been messed up. Thomas is right - we must know WHY, and the Type of Person we marry. God is always sovereignly in control and works through the Choices of our human wills. He is redemptive, and any bad-choice marriage can be saved. I'm glad Thomas has written a book I can agree with so enthusiastically!
Steve Skeete
I agree that in marriage things and people do change. Good marriage counselling (which I believe all persons entering marriage should be encourage to acquire), will prepare, or at least alert persons, not only to this fact, but that all relationships go through difficult periods. For me, some vital marriage ingredients include commitment for the long haul and the willingness to work through tough times when you 'feel' like you want to give up or you can't go on. 'Til death do us part' and 'for better or worse' are still sensible prerequisites that call for far more resilience and strength of character than 'compatibility' or 'views' on difficult socio/politcal matters. Do we need another book on marriage? Sure! What about one that rises to its defense? Or one that defines it in a way that is true to the Bible, yet is designed to help those who struggle understand it? Certainly we need one that explains why this human institution has had universal acclaim and esteem, until recently.
Susan Gillespie
I'm surprised by the admonition to consider 'secondary characteristics' such as views on gender, parenting and general lifestyle. I've been married 34 years, and we have changed a lot on all of those things. I'd worry about making a strict decision on rigid 'agreements' like that - you're likely to be disappointed in many ways if you think such things will remain static during a lifetime. Better your intended should be intent on following Jesus (and yes, sadly, I realize that sometimes changes, too).