Guest / Limited Access /

With my first pregnancy, it seemed everyone was more excited than me.

My mother squealed when I told her the news. People at church kept hugging me and grinning in my general direction. Even my OB-GYN's secretary shrieked, "Congratulations!" when I asked for a prenatal appointment.

None of them were spending hours curled in bed, barely moving due to nausea. They did not endure 12 hours of labor, during which I cried, "Why, God? Why do you want me to suffer so much?" To which my nurse replied, "This is what it takes to have a baby, sweetheart."

Then I'm not sure I want to have a baby, I thought.

As a friend recently put it, raising children requires holding joy and sorrow in the same hand at once.

When my son finally arrived, I was in love. But soon it became clear that he was not one of those coveted "easy" babies. He cried incessantly and slept little. Frankly, there was a lot I didn't like about him. I carried a crushing burden of guilt. Weren't children a blessing from God, as the Bible and church people told me? Shouldn't I like him more? Shouldn't I be happier?

As he grew, he became a delightful child. Still, my guilt continued. I felt bad that endless peekaboo, reading the same board book for the 100th time, and changing dozens of diapers left me bored and restless. It left me wishing for a small injury to land me in the hospital, where someone would take care of me for a change.

Of course, my secret resentment of the difficulties of raising children has deep roots. In her satiric novel of 1927, Twilight Sleep, novelist Edith Wharton uses the title concept ("twilight sleep" being an anesthetic regimen that let wealthy women sleep ...

Subscriber access only You have reached the end of this Article Preview

To continue reading, subscribe now. Subscribers have full digital access.

From Issue:
Read These NextSee Our Latest
RecommendedHey, Christian Youth: It Gets Better
Hey, Christian Youth: It Gets Better
Why have the perks of faithful adulthood become our best-kept secret?
TrendingWorship Songwriter Vicky Beeching Comes Out as Gay
Worship Songwriter Vicky Beeching Comes Out as Gay
The CCM worship world has its Jennifer Knapp moment.
Editor's PickThe Spiritual Blessings of Seeking Solitude
The Spiritual Blessings of Seeking Solitude
An excerpt from 'A Beautiful Disaster: Finding Hope in the Midst of Brokenness.'
Comments
Christianity Today
The Myth of Happy Parenting
hide thisMay May

In the Magazine

May 2014

To continue reading, subscribe now for full print and digital access.