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My wife started feeling strange during our vacation. That is to say, she didn't feel anything. Those annoying quirks of the first trimester had disappeared.

A quick visit to the doctor suggested nothing was wrong, but just to be sure, she went ...

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Displaying 1–16 of 16 comments.

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walt W

February 14, 2014  3:28pm

Friend, We had a miscarriage to. It was painful and I wept bitterly knowing that I to participated in the creation of this precious life. What helped me get through was Jesus. I remembered it is Jesus who is the giver of life. If He chooses to take the life, it is His to take. The words that helped me rise and dry me tears were the following words from the mouth of God. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. I rose and gave thanks for the little time that the LORD did allow us to have the child with us. Knowing for certain His decision though I do not understand is always best for me, and our baby. This was a great lesson the LORD taught my wife and I. I also learned obedience through that suffering. Please recall that Jesus Christ to learned obedience through the things that He suffered. That He is the man/God well acquainted with grief and sorrow.

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Bryan Dove

February 13, 2014  11:33am

Christianity responds, I think, better without words to this sort of tragedy than with words. I was at a theology conference when I got the news. It wasn't until weeks later, when I happened to come across a medieval pieta at a local museum, that I started to internalize where God is with reference to loss. I couldn't write that in a paper and publish it. I could only look at those weeping eyes and soft hands holding the torn and broken body of Jesus. That didn't make it better, didn't make it acceptable, but it brought me close to God.

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Beth Hinebauch

February 12, 2014  9:40pm

On Feb. 10,2013,my son and daughter-in-law found out that at 13 weeks pregnant their baby had not grown since week 7. Today, Feb. 12, 2014, she is due to deliver. They were devastated when their baby died. But, God is blessing them with another baby, basically the same date, as their other baby died. It will be bitter sweet. But because of their faith it will be more sweet than bitter. It is true that men think they need to be strong. There were more than a few times when they'd be in a public place and someone would come in with a tiny baby. She would leave the room in tears. He'd fight the tears. I'd wrap my arms around them because I knew--I had two miscarriges. Today we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of their precious baby!

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Kelly Mitchell

February 12, 2014  8:24pm

@Kelvin Smith...thank you for your thoughts. I have to ask....." We all have unfulfilled desires....in a sin filled world.....But God's strength is made perfect in weakness, and his Spirit is the Comforter. Christ's body, the Church, has the privilege and responsibility to physically share in that comforting role." .....I have no idea what that means, other than, suck it up, nobody's life is perfect. My point was, the church does not address miscarriage in any way, other than to say it is "God's plan". Really? And what plan allows for a crack whore to sell herself for drugs, creating a baby, yet good people who want a child can't. There are so many things we can't explain away by "it's God's plan"....

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Kelvin Smith

February 12, 2014  3:12pm

@H.D. Schmidt: As far as I know, the scientific consensus is that sex during pregnancy is not harmful. The baby is well protected in the amniotic sac. It gets awkward as you reach the later stages of pregnancy, but that's a different issue. @Kelly Mitchell: We will never know (this side of heaven) why God chooses to confer certain blessings on some people and not on others, or conversely why some face great challenges. But we should recognize that we ALL have unfulfilled desires; in a sin-filled world, that's part of the human condition. Whether that desire is a child, or a spouse, or a job, or good health, or whatever else, we can all point to someone else who has a blessing that we have not. But God's strength is made perfect in weakness, and his Spirit is the Comforter. Christ's body, the Church, has the privilege and responsibility to physically share in that comforting role.

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Patrick Stafford

February 12, 2014  2:27pm

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I'm glad my writing could be of some help. One thing I want to emphasise - as I did in the piece - is that I don't think any failure to address miscarriage is done out of malicious intent. I see this, rather, as a blind spot the church should work on fixing.

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Andrew Seaman

February 12, 2014  9:39am

Not sure if you read comment sections, but thank you for this article. I wholeheartedly feel your message here in this article is dead on and needs to be heard within most local churches. Men have a hard time being able to openly share their feelings, failures, sins, or addictions with one another due to the type of culture that exists in our local churches today. Either people don't want to hear the truth -- because it makes them uncomfortable, and they don't know how to respond -- or they don't have time for it. For most people it seems, church can only be a place of smiles (even if they're fake), not tears, grief, or lament. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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Jenny Roca

February 12, 2014  9:33am

So true....

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Kelly Mitchell

February 11, 2014  8:45pm

This was a good article. He is right, the church does a terrible job with miscarriage....or really, no job at all. My big problem after 3 miscarriages and no children, all the people who say children are a gift from God or a blessing from God.......where does that leave me? Not worthy?

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Misty Sack

February 11, 2014  5:45pm

Forty years ago, my full-term pregnancy came to an end two days before the delivery date, and my fourth child, a son, was born dead. Yes, healing has occurred, we were given yet one more fine son, and there remained no schism in our relationship. But most rewarding has been the truth I have been allowed to comprehend about our little Joshua. Desperately seeking something in Scripture I could hang on to, I found in Jeremiah where God said, "before you were formed in the womb, I knew you;…ordained you…" verifying to me that his life had an eternal purpose. Not just the work God did in us over this loss in 1974, but I have the absolute conviction that these children who never see the light of day nevertheless, in the economy of Heaven, fill a role filled by all those conceived in the womb but who move straight into eternity. Simplistic theology? Perhaps. But I cannot wait to meet our boy and realize the eternal, Heavenly purpose for which he was uniquely, everlastingly created.

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H. D. Schmidt

February 11, 2014  4:23pm

I hope that it will not be offensive to ask the following question: Yes, we men want and have sex with our wife's while she is pregnant and now the question: Is it not possible that sex may actually contribute to miscarriages? You see, the animal kingdom does not do this, like humans do, right? I grew up on the farm and miscarriages by animals of all kinds, from cows to sheep and horses and never one! So, does someone dare to give an answer?

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NELSON R PARDEE

February 11, 2014  3:28pm

This article helps us to think- not assume- how men respond. Unlike the author, I was totally out of touch. I knew my wife was hurting, but didn't understand how and how much. I wasn't feeling anything- it wasn't bottled up emotion but that I'm just very slow to process my emotions, so it was two months before I cried. I'm grateful that my wife was concerned about me, and in her pain wrote a poem that finally tapped into my emotions. This experience is probably part of the reason that, when I do funerals, I always give people permission to "feel what they feel." We need to recognize that while some responses are more prevalent, there's actually a broad range of responses. We need to be actively sensitive to each person and meet them where they are at. Thanks, Patrick.

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REV DENIS FREDIANI

February 11, 2014  3:15pm

This is an important area of ministry. Last year a woman went through the difficult experience of a miscarriage and we had a memorial service for her child just as if this were a 5 or 105 year old. I was a time when we could seek to bring comfort to ALL who were impacted by this event and we followed up on the family as well. It is interesting that the husband in this instance felt that the memorial service gave him a a deeper sense of what his wife was going through and it also gave him 'permission' to grieve when most people said noting to him about it. It reminded me of the miscarriage that my wife and I experienced some 30 years ago and how the church was virtually silent about it. This is a significant issue in a world that says that it is only tissue and therefore sees grieving about this as foolish. We as a church must not by into that erroneous world view, instead we must acknowledge the person-hood of the unborn and treat a miscarriage as the death of a loved one.

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Tony Dingess

February 11, 2014  1:50pm

Thanks Patrick, it has been 22 years since my wife lost a child in the womb, which would have been my only child. I was 26, and she was 46. We had planned on the name Jedediah Shiloh and I still feel at a loss to talk about it, and it should not have to be like this. It feels good just to see a man broach the subject!

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Bronwyn Lea

February 11, 2014  9:51am

Thank you so much for this, Patrick. I wrote about our miscarriage last week (http://bronlea.com/2014/02/05/let-me-tell-you-about-mini/), and was overwhelmed by how many people wrote to say "me too"... but perhaps most moving of all was the guy friend who wrote in from a father's perspective, speaking of his own feelings of helplessness in the hurt. I have been thinking of how women need to talk more about miscarriage, but I realize I've been missing half the conversation. We ALL need to talk about miscarriage, because there are two hurting parents for every little one lost.

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Mitch Vaughan

February 11, 2014  9:47am

Thanks for writing this article. My wife and I have dealt with several miscarriages over the years and just dealt with one a few weeks ago. You seemed to be writing for me when you said that you didn't know what to feel. There is a sense of loss at the possibility as your imagination can't help but race ahead to what your new future will look like. Churches and counseling should be prepared because the amount of stress a miscarriage adds is immense.

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Displaying 1–16 of 16 comments.

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