This ad will not display on your printed page.
Blood pumping. Temperature rising. Voices thundering. Anger and confusion. Do all of our conversations about difficult topics—politics, family, finances—need to be this way? Tim Muehlhoff, a marriage expert and professor of communication studies at Biola University, doesn't think so. In I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult Conversations with Truth and Love (InterVarsity Press), Muehlhoff charts a path for navigating difficult conversations with grace and truth. Derek Rishmawy, a minister to students and young adults in California, spoke with Muehlhoff about combining modern insights from communication theory with timeless biblical truth.
What makes the subject of communication methods so urgent?
As a culture, we're losing the ability to talk about the deepest things in a tolerant and civil way. That's bleeding down into our personal relationships. Georgetown linguist Deborah Tannen calls it the "argument culture." You see it in American politics any time we try to talk about same-sex marriage, immigration, or other hot-button issues.
We have to find productive ways to communicate with family members, coworkers, and children, whether it's sharing our faith or talking about the kid's schedule that's gotten out of control. This book takes modern research on communication and develops a practical strategy for entering tough conversations in a productive way.
Many of us think that in difficult conversations, the key is to put aside our emotions in order to think "rationally." You say that's a mistake. Why?
Jack Gibb was the first researcher to identify what we call "communication climate." As soon as two people start talking, a communication climate develops, and it's made up of expectations, trust, acknowledgment, and commitment. When presenting a viewpoint, Gibb says, one of the big mistakes we make is attempting what he calls "detached neutrality." This happens when I'm ...