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A Fishy Facebook Friend

Shouldn't the Golden Rule apply in virtual reality?

Agnieszka Tennant | posted 10/03/2007 08:28AM

I yielded to peer pressure and have begun to lead a modestly active Facebook life.

Out of sensitivity to Christianity Today's average reader—with all due respect, sir, I could easily be your daughter—let ...

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Angel

Posted: October 08, 2007 12:40 AM


Why is "Mr. Mover" contacting someone he doesn't know personally to promote his conference, yet presenting himself to be her friend? That seems to be Ms/Mr Tennants point. Wisdom is proved right by her actions. Mt 11:19 Deception is no way to promote the gospel.

Teci Pulido

Posted: October 07, 2007 11:56 PM

I get the writer's point about feeling that she might somehow be used --- she and her social capital as she also has a sphere of influence. But on the other extreme, I would feel more creeped out about a guy who I don't know who shows way more than "zero curiosity about me". Now that's a fishy friend, Facebook or elsewhere. If a person wants to make friends online, shouldn't he naturally talk about himself as a means for me to know him? If he didn't ask anything about me, perhaps (to give the benefit of the doubt) I am implicitly being given a chance to say as much or as little about myself as I want. To end, aren't conferences, websites, and everything else being used to spread the gospel? It cannot be called "spreading" if Mr. Mover only talks to the people who already know him, and only those who already know Christ. I hope the writer would be more open-minded and accommodating in the future --- but I appreciate that she was straightforward and respectful in her replies to Mr.Mover.

Mark	Posted: October 07, 2007 5:13 PM

Leory: Lighten up, lighten up lighten up! I think that Agnieszka has some well-reasoned reservations about who would "befriend" her via Facebook. And I don't think she's "whin[ing] about the rules of engagement." I think she's using those rules to her benefit. And in the process, she's sharing with others the means by which we can all participate in the shaping of social norms within such virtual environments. If you find Agnieszka's protocols too distasteful for your liking, the answer is obvious in its simplicity. Don't "talk" to her...or about her.... Jon: I don't agree with your assessment that this is "one of the most petty articles...at CT". You say that "as Christians we can not be offended by such minor things...." Actually, I think that as Christians we are to show proper discernment in all things (re: Col 4:5, Eph 5:15) and perhaps Agnieszka is displaying a proper amount of "wisdom toward outsiders." "For fools rush in where angels fear to tread...." (Alexander Pope-1711)

Agnieszka Tennant

Posted: October 04, 2007 12:17 PM

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. Many of you think I was too petty. Maybe I was; I need to think about it more. Someone compared me to having a door bell but acting surprised when it rings. Please note that I did say I'm not opposed to meeting people through facebook. In fact, one thing I didn't get to go into more is that I have become friends with several people after they friended me based on common interests. One of them offered to have me stay with him and his wife when I'm out East, and I'd feel comfortable--and be grateful--doing it. I thought about my approach as having a door bell, and opening the door, wanting to extend hospitality so to speak, but then being somewhat discouraged when encountering people who only try to sell me their stuff. But as I said, I need to think about it some more.

Leory

Posted: October 04, 2007 12:14 PM

Whine, whine, whine . . . If you don't understand the "risks" of joining a social network, don't join or having joined don't whine about the rules of engagement. Sending email via the Internet is like sending a post card in the mail. You should have not expectation of privacy. Using a social network is like taking a shower in public. It's all out there for people (anyone) to see and your expose yourself to every form of unwelcome contact you can imagine and then some. Agnieszka lighten up! Get over yourself and get on with the social utility of a site like Face Book (good and bad) or delete your profile and get on with your off-line life.

Mark Easteadt

Posted: October 04, 2007 9:34 AM

I have to agree with some of the comments posted above. While reading, I couldn't decide if I felt that you were being overly sensitive or were just unaware of how these social networking sites actually work. It is a fairly regular occurrence to receive friends requests from bands, artists, as well as true spam. It is also common to have people that are just interested in what you are doing or think you might be interested in what they are doing. Are some of them opportunistic? Sure. Are some of them genuinely interested in you? Sure. Are some both? Sure.

Joy	Posted: October 04, 2007 7:57 AM

People have to take into account that Facebook is a tool for the masses that started out for college students (I still think it should be for those under 30 at least but it's not), more secular than not, and 80-90% of the people in the US alone consider themselves Christian but if 15% or fewer are practicing or really devoted, then what's in that name anyway? That's what we need to consider, not what the activity of Christians on Facebook are but changing what that name means. Also, Facebook is now international. I have friends from Korea on Facebook. I am friends with imaginary people like Dwight K Shrute from "The Office". I'm friends with Ira Glass whose real identity is the guy two doors down from Ira's office. In response to comments, people make mistakes, forgive them as you would want them to forgive you. In addition, it probably took more time for comments to be written than to just click "reject". Why waste energy when you can fix things with a click of a button?

Patrick Gann

Posted: October 04, 2007 2:39 AM

Ms. Tennant, -- Normally I am a big fan of your writing, but I'm not sure this one ought to have been published. I agree with reader "Jon" in saying that this is a rather "petty" article. Furthermore, the lengthy quotes you pull from "Mr. Mover's" facebook profile makes it easy for those who *want* to identify your anonymous almost-friend to actually do so. Also ... since you've made it public on this site that you use Facebook, my immediate notion was to add you as a friend. Like I said, I love your writing, and it would be joyous to get to know you (even if only through the internet). I mean ... the chances of me actually meeting you in person are slim, but I think you're an excellent writer. So, even in spite of Zucherberg's purpose statement, I'd encourage you to "lighten up" or at least "have a heart." If said "Mover" sent a friend request for the purpose of making you a "social commodity" -- that'd be one thing. But I doubt you could really know that. Give the guy a chance.

IndyChristian

Posted: October 03, 2007 11:41 PM


The risk of having a doorbell is that someone might ring it. Or a phone, that someone might call. And I'm equally sure we've all ignored a doorbell once or twice. Or a phone. Or hit the Ignore button at Facebook. But answering when opportunity knocks... to reconnect the fractured body of Christ in the 21st Century... that's one door I hope we won't ignore.

Dr. Randy Blacketer

Posted: October 03, 2007 4:21 PM

Contrary to many comments, which I found petty, uncharitable and mean-spirited, I think this article raises a number of important points. This is a relatively new medium for communication, with unexplored implications. I would like to see CT investigate these issues further. As a pastor, I have had a number of young people from my congregation contact me through FaceBook, about profound spiritual and personal struggles (through the private wall-to-wall feature). But I myself am ambivalent about using it, for the reasons the author mentions. I think her piece was a good beginning to a necessary discussion.

Pete	Posted: October 03, 2007 3:27 PM

Lighten up, girl! I find it strange that you would write that you "joined groups of like-minded people" using Facebook, and then subsequently found it offensive when someone else tried to do the same with you. Clearly, Zucherberg's quote about "transferring online the relationships people already have" was overly simplistic. The entire structure of his site is set up for much more than that. Of course, there is spam on social networking sites... Myspace is filled with wacky "friend" requests. If you truly want to transfer your current relationships online, you'd best stick to email--or you'll spend your days being frustrated. P.S. Wanna be facebook friends?

William P. Sulik

Posted: October 03, 2007 1:39 PM

I guess everyone has different expectations & thoughts. Of my Facebook friends there are a number of people I've never met. Some are people with whom I once participated in some pretty intense on-line discussions. Some are friends of friends or family. I have asked two writers whom I have read in the past to be "friends" - I admire their thoughts and am pleased they added me on. They had no need to. I rather think they applied the golden rule in adding me on, instead of dismissing me. Perhaps I should've never approached them - I found them in my friend's listings and thought it would be cool to hear what their days were like. I guess I never thought I was doing this to build up social capital. It's strange that I also had an email message from you this morning b/c we are in a group together -- we are not friends. I have been thinking about it, although I haven't responded yet. Now, I'm notsure really how to. No offense intended - just some thoughts. Grace & pax wm.

John	Posted: October 03, 2007 12:18 PM


I think this write was a girl. That said, I am not sure of the point of the article other than don't try to use the internet to spam, an idea that unfortunately died a long time ago.

Anonymous

Posted: October 03, 2007 11:55 AM

I think this article on the contrary shows some discernment that many people lack. I have had a somewhat similar experience, only with someone I knew before Facebook came on the scene. A former pastor of ours sent me an email with a link to a website. Thinking this website would be news on his family and ministry, I clicked on it only to find out it led to an offer for a subscription to long distance telephone service from which he would profit if I chose to subscribe. He had in effect lowered our relationship to a business opportunity.

Roberto

Posted: October 03, 2007 11:52 AM

Jon - I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately, Agnieszka writes some of more petty articles on CT. Check out his past articles. Some are more petty then this. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks. His problem is that he does not understand the concept of social networking online, nor sadly Gladwell. As a result he has exposed himself to a reality that he doesn't understand and by which he is offended. How ironic. Bottom line: if you don't want people introducing themselves out of the blue, then by all means don't put your profile on Face Book! End of story! If Agnieszka has not realized that Christians or so called "Christians" (how can you know) are among the biggest abusers of SPAM, marketing everything in sight and putting a "Christian" label on it, then he is been living in another world far away from the online reality of Face Book, which is simply going to be too much of a struggle for him to cope with. He wants the benefits of an online life without the burdens thereof. Wake up!

Jon	Posted: October 03, 2007 10:31 AM

This is one of the most petty articles I have read at CT. Mr. Mover returned your email and told you more about himself in a more or less polite fashion. For me it’s kind of going out on a limb when I ask someone to be my friend. You should have used this as an opportunity to introduce your self instead of being offended by it. As Christians we can not be offended by such minor things when there is so much work to be done. This is almost like at a party when two people who don’t know any one else at the party, and really don’t know each other, but know who each other are, stand next to each other in hopes of making a new friend. Some times a dialog starts some times it doesn’t. but you have no right to be offended because someone stands next to you.

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