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Christianity Today, October, 2007 |

Redeeming the Remarried

There's a lot at stake if we neglect ministering to stepfamilies.

Ron L. Deal | posted 10/10/2007 08:56AM

John grew up Southern Baptist and participated in Sunday school regularly. His family attended church faithfully and was involved in many programs. After high school, John went to college and fell in ...

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Robin

Posted: October 20, 2007 12:54 AM

I am coming from a different light of the article. I have a sister who married a man who was married and has child. The family are Catholics but not strong. But he is very controling of her. She would do anything for this man. Do you think she should get divorce from him? This is how he controls her changes words around to make him not out to be wrong. He told her to only stay 2 months at her mother's home. Why are these things happening? He scared her by calling the Police.and tell her only way to solve problems with a divorce.

Mary	Posted: October 13, 2007 5:39 AM

I have a friend in my own church who divorced with his wife 10 years ago, according what he said, it was financial matters that caused their devorce, but later I found it is not, his waling away fro God made his marrige crumble.If a devorced person does not find the real reason in himself that caused his failure in the previous marrige, it is impossible for him to live happy in the second marrige.

Jeff	Posted: October 11, 2007 11:56 PM

A wonderful article. LIfe is not so simple. Only God knows the heart of man. While I am a Christian conservative it is true that Christians are our own worst enemies. While many pastors pontifcate the Family Research COuncil shows that over 37% of pastors are involved in pornography.... so if we define adultery as does Christ, there should be a lot less pontificating. I know David Instone-Brewer. My wife was in a coma for 4 years before her death. Dr. Brewer and his team spent the better part of a year helping me sort through the painful issues I was confronted with as a 43 year old husband of a wife in a coma with a 10 year old daughter to raise. Striving for perfection is the goal, as Scripture so points out, but condemning people who are remarried is an abomination. The woman at the well is the greatest example of this. Most pastors don't give 2 minds worth concerning the truth of divorce as outlined in the OT. They get stuck on Matthew and think its the be all to end all...

Porter

Posted: October 11, 2007 10:33 PM

"...Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. The law and the prophets [were] until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it. And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail. Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from [her] husband committeth adultery." Luke 16:15-18

CJ	Posted: October 11, 2007 4:18 PM

I believe that any one person can take any "one" scripture reference and twist it to fit what they want to think. I believe you must be very careful in reading full chapters and refernces before you start making your own assumptions on what God thinks of other people. For the literal scripture commentators on this post I would like to pose this question - a young girl sexually abused by a father - is she condemmed to hell because she is not following the "Honor thy mother and father" commandment??? People the bible is very clear on what sin is - and Jesus came in the New testament and made things ever more clear ... but, when you belittle people and condem them because of sin you have not struggled with - Essentially you are saying that our Savior dying on the Cross was for Nothing - We need to stop alienating these families from our churches. I do womens jail ministry as well as juvenile jail ministry - and on the basis of some of these comments, I am NOT worthy because I remarried!@

Raymond Takashi Swenson

Posted: October 11, 2007 3:55 PM

I guess Christ's admonition to Peter to forgive someone "seventy times seven" is not considered mandatory by some Christian ministers. In much of Latin America, people born titularly Catholic are turning to other Christian churches in large numbers. In some countries, getting married in the Catholic Church has required payment of a fee to the priest, which many people were simply too poor to pay, so they have lived in a "common law" arrangement without legal marriage. If those couples come to a minister of a Protestant church, are they told that their living together out of wedlock forever disqualifies them from joining that church? Or are they told that Christ can forgive the sins of the faithful and repentant, and that the first step to repentance is to become legally married? How can a minister be Christian who does not endorse an effort to create a faithful family out of the shards of broken ones?

Clinton

Posted: October 11, 2007 2:54 PM

The question is not an issue of forgiveness. When the divorced person turns to the Lord & repents he is absolutely forgiven. The problem is with fruit. Jesus forgave both the Samaritan woman and the woman caught in adultery, and yet he said: Go and sin no more. That meant "restoring" & "correcting" what was wrong just as Luke commends Zaccheus for restoring 4 times his wrong doings. There are terrible situations which God understands and so Paul repeats Jesus' command "not to divorce" for "believers". The only exception he makes is if an unbeliever leaves you. if believers do separate, he commands they should be reconciled soon. However many Christians, because of either a misunderstanding of Jesus' words or lack of correct teaching have thought remarriage was ok when believers divorced. In that case what I find more appalling is that they are not even willing to admit that their remarriage was sinful & repent of it. Thus the bigger issue is one of despising both Gods commands & grace

Jose	Posted: October 10, 2007 9:49 PM

The problem here is that Church is not teaching the truth about marriage. We can talk a lot about our opinions ,ideas and how WE feel about certain issues.What matters is what GOD says about this issue. Church should clearly teach that marriage is binding and sacred.Heb 13:4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. 5 Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. Divorce is possible only if any one of the partner has committed sexual immorality and Bible teaches that you cannot remarry while one of the partner is alive. If any one does that he or she contnues to live in sin .Eph5:5For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them.

Anna	Posted: October 10, 2007 9:10 PM

"What God Has Joined".. Hmm . . did God join them, or did they join themselves in a secular or civil way?? While I'm no longer a practicing Catholic I do reflect on the teaching I received as an adult initiate to the Catholic Church. As always, people had asked the teaching priest/pastor about Annulments. In brief here, he explained how the process reviews the couple's marriage circumstances and commitment, to determine whether there was indeed a "Christian" marriage. This seasoned pastor made it quite simple to understand when he said that adultery, alcoholism, domestic violence, and addictions tend to boot Christ out of the marriage--killing a "Christian" marriage. It's worth considering how in Europe, tradition has been to have a civil marriage ceremony at the court, and then the Christian marriage service/vows in the church. There is a difference. Being married in a church does not mean all have a "Christian" marriage. The Spirit of Christ must be welcome to dwell between 2 hearts

Anonymous

Posted: October 10, 2007 7:03 PM


"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone .. John 8:5

Jesus did the following with regard to remarriage

Posted: October 10, 2007 5:47 PM

Which woman did Jesus openly, lovingly, offer his living water to...? John Ch. 4... “Go and get your husband,” Jesus said. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now...!” “Sir,” the woman said, “you must be a prophet. So tell me, why is it that you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place of worship, while we Samaritans claim it is here at Mount Gerizim, where our ancestors worshiped?” Jesus replied, “Believe me, dear woman, the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship the Father on this mountain or in Jerusalem. You Samaritans know very little about the one you worship, while we Jews know all about him, for salvation comes through the Jews. But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way."

Tim	Posted: October 10, 2007 3:19 PM


Linda, My marriage ended in divorce after ten years. It was never comsummated. I tell you this just to show how some situations are not as simple as they might at first appear.

Anna	Posted: October 10, 2007 3:10 PM

Norm	Posted: October 10, 2007 3:01 PM

Lest we loose sight of it, there is a tension initially and perhaps rightly so. Just as there would be for others with such "visible" situations. Having been divorced myself, I know the stigma, the isolation, the withdrawal, the redemption and the restoration. None of it was or is easy. The "Love the sinner, hate the sin" mantra might be appropriate in certain situations. At least for a starting point. In addition, having separate ministries for "divorced" families may serve a temporary need, but I suspect it should only be temporary. We are all ONE BODY, not one body with an appendage for special needs.

voice of truth

Posted: October 10, 2007 2:34 PM

All I can say is this, if Jesus, could forget the adultureous woman who was about to be killed by the community who I might add supposodely "understood God and his laws" and he said to her "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." So, why are so many of you condemning the divorced. Why do you have to pay for the other's sin, why would the other person who did not commit adultery have to live the rest of their lives miserable and alone. Committing to God in body and spirit to his Work HAS to be willfully and truthfully. You can not force that. What some of you are suggesting almost sounds like a cult! God prefers Mercy before judgement. Some of you here seem more like judges rather than christians. No second chances?? wow! We should nurture the hurt and give them Hope! Only God can throw the rock and he chose not to....think about that. God bless!

Johnny

Posted: October 10, 2007 1:56 PM

I think Ron's statement that "Remarriage ministry does not diminish God's intent for the home any more than a ministry to alcoholics encourages drinking," is fundamentally true - but ripe for abuse. The parallels must be taken to their completion. If someone has a persistent drinking problem, we should not shoo them away. But we should always be discipling them to maintain sobriety and accountability. We should not chase away remarrieds but we must disciple them to avoid any remarriage (which is the societal norm) in the future. My position on the subject is fairly conservative. I'm not an absolutist but I do believe over the past generation there has been some questionable reintepretation of Jesus' unequivocal statements on the subject in attempts to save people's feelings and justify their actions.

gsk	Posted: October 10, 2007 1:49 PM

Forgiveness is mistakenly applied. Please, I am not limiting the graces of a generous God -- but it is completely inappropriate for a person to forgive someone of a transgression that didn't hurt him. This isn't rocket surgery. If a drunk driver kills my neighbour's child, it is ridiculous for me to go find that driver and forgive him. Of course I cannot judge him, but the forgiveness is not mine to bestow. Those who have been injured have the duty to undertake that difficult task. To "forgive" in this way sends a mixed message to all the families in their pews. "I will witness your vows, I will pray for your fidelity; but I will witness the next vows you make should you need to 'move on.'" What does that say to the couples who weather storms and exercise self-control? What does that say to children who suffer abandonment and have to witness a community forgive the transgressor on their behalf? http://feminine-genius.typepad.com/femininegenius/2007/10/erasing-the-har.html

John G. Pierce

Posted: October 10, 2007 12:44 PM


Doug is right. Gary and Linda are misreading Scripture. My understanding is that Jesus declared that divorcing for the purpose of remarrying is adultery, and that such a subsequent marriage is adulterous. That's a far cry from condemning all remarriages.

David

Posted: October 10, 2007 12:38 PM

It is sad to see that both Gary and Linda missed the point of this article. God's grace isn't cheap, it cost the life of Jesus. But, it is grace just the same. I can relate to John and Diane, because I also chose divorce. I also chose a self imposed exile from the church, because of the shame I felt for my failure. God, however, did not exile me from the church. I won't try to justify my remarriage, it is what it is, but I see God's hand all over it. So, sit in judgement, if you choose, but I choose to go on serving God in the fragility of my human existence. I choose to trust Him for grace He promised.

kelso

Posted: October 10, 2007 12:37 PM

The article is excellent, the posted responses nothing short of idiotic. Forgive a murderer, forgive a rapist, forgive a child molester but, please, please, bury the divorced, shun them and demand they be sent to the eternal flames of fire. Makes a lot of sense and remains the one single reason, as an individual who divorced, and is 34 years into my second marriage, that I left the church decades ago and quietly worship God and Praise Jesus each day in the privacy of my own home.

Doug	Posted: October 10, 2007 12:25 PM

As a pastor we take people from where they are at, and not where we would like them to be. Gary and Linda are typical of people who know little of the scripture. nothing of grace, and are cultic in their understanding of marriage. Jesus said, "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath." The same is true for marriage, "Marriage was made for man, and not man for marriage." The Pharisees had a hyper view of the Sabbath, and many in the church like Gary and Linda above are the new Pharisses that have a hyper view of marriage. The ideal, and the goal, is until death do you part. But the ideal and goal is to never sin as well. Have we made divorce the unforgiveable sin in the church? In some fundamentalist circles it is. It is a tragedy that people have to succumb to legalistic abuse at the hands of the new Pharisees. Quite frankly I would more quickly welcome a divorced couple into my church that come with humility and repentance than the self-righteous legalists.

Linda

Posted: October 10, 2007 12:12 PM

All divorced and remarried people need to realize that they are living in permanent adulterous sin according to Jesus Christ. He said it, I didn't! I guess they need to ask for forgiveness every night when they say their prayers and then they continue sinning. Do everything to stay in your marriage and then if it fails don't get remarried if you want to follow Jesus. Yes, he said we can divorce under certain circumstances and God hates that. No, we can't remarry! Previous generations always knew this and 50 years ago divorce was extremely rare in America because we followed the Bible. Even the secular counselors tell us that kids are better off with their original parents and not bringing new stepparents into their lives so get over the idea that it will "be better for the children" if you remarry. Also, second marriages have a much higher rate of failure than first marriages! Dedicate your lives to God instead of living in an adulterous marriage for the rest of your life.

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