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Christianity Today, January, 2008 |

The Widow's Might

My husband's death forced me to change in ways I never wanted to.

Miriam Neff | posted 1/18/2008 08:22AM

I am part of the fastest growing demographic in the United States. We are targeted by new-home builders and surveyed by designers. We are a lucrative niche for health and beauty products, and financial ...

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CDH	Posted: January 31, 2008 12:40 PM

I recently lost my Dad after a 2-year battle with a terminal illness and my Mom lost her best friend, protector, spiritual partner and soul mate. I have always been a Daddy's girl and I miss him so much it hurts, but I know it doesn't compare to my Mom's pain. She is a strong woman with a strong faith and I know she will use all she has experienced for God's glory. Thank you for your article. I understand more and know how to better care for her. I know by caring for her I bring honor to my Dad because she was his #1, besides God. Their example challenged me in my own marriage and life. Watching them go through this painful time together taught me things words can't express about true faith in God and commitment. If family, friends and the church are obedient to God's word during a time like this, it can help heal the pain and everyone learns and grows. He tells us true religion is caring for the widows and orphans. More than ever, I'm grateful for salvation and eternal life!

MARY LONG

Posted: January 29, 2008 2:31 PM

I WANTED TO THAK YOU FOR WRITING THIS ARTICLE. IN SOME WAYS I FELT LIKE I WAS WRITING IT. MY HUSBAND AND I WERE MARRIED FOR 31 YEARS WHEN HE DIED. WE FOUND OUT AUG.28 TH 03 THAT HE HAD KIDNEY CANCER , HE DIED EXACTLY 3 MONTHS TO THE DAY LATER. IT HAPPENED TO BE THANKSGIVING DAY. WE HAD SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL. WE PUT THE LORD FIRST THEN EACH OTHER THEN THE KIDS.HE WAS MY LIFE AND I WAS HIS.SOMETIMES I THINK IF WE HADN'T LOVED EACH OTHER SO MUCH IT WOULDN'T HAVE HURT SO MUCH WHEN I LOST HIM. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THE LORD TO LEAN ON AND THEN THE KIDS THEY HAVE BEEN MY ROCK. JUST LIKE YOU SAID A PART OF ME IS MISSING NOW . I FEEL OUT OF PLACE,LIKE A FIFTH WHEEL,EVEN WITH THE FAMILY.WE HAD FRIENDS ,EVERY MINUTE WE SPENT TOGETHER WAS SPECIAL. ALL WE NEEDED WAS EACH OTHER .THINGS HAVE BEEN HARD. I FEEL MORE AT PEACE AT HOME. MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS GIVE ME A HARD TIME CAUSE I WON'T GO OUT. I KNOW THINGS WILL GET BETTER AS TIME PASSES. I KNOW THE LORDS IS WITH ME.

George T.

Posted: January 27, 2008 5:24 PM


What a wonderful article. I read it to somebody who very timely needed it. And it was helpful. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Phil	Posted: January 26, 2008 1:56 PM


What about the widower. My father lost his wife of 53 years. He soon discovered the church he had been part of for most of his 78 years, taught Sunday school, been a trustee, led Wednesday night prayer services, etc....was for families. He felt alone and abandoned and eventually went to a smaller church because they cared for 'old folks'....his words.

Cindy

Posted: January 25, 2008 9:44 PM


My 49 year old husband was diagnosed with ALS in August of 2006. Our boys are 21, 14 and 13. Thank you so much for the encouraging article. It gives me hope that I can make it through this, and reminds me that my comfort comes from God alone.

Rev. Sarah Millner

Posted: January 25, 2008 6:55 PM

THIS ARTICLE HAS GIVEN ME INSPIRATION TO STRIVE TO MAINTAIN CONTACT WITH THOSE WHO REACH OUT IN WHATEVER MANNER THEY CAN. Friday Nov. 16, 2007 IS A DATE I SHALL NEVER FORGET. MY HUSBAND OF 40 YEARS WENT HOME TO BE WITH THE lORD. MY LIFE HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE INTERACTING WITH MARRIED FRIENDS LIKE BEFORE. I FEEL AS THOUGH I NO LONGER HAVE THE SAME DREAMS, DESIRES, OR ASPIRATIONS. MY CHURCH FAMILY TRIES REALLY HARD TO BE AS SUPPORTIVE AS THEY KNOW HOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT THEIR ACTIONS IN PERSPECTIVE. KNOWING THERE ARE OTHERS WHO CAN EMPATHIZE WITH WHERE I AM TONIGHT GIVES ME HOPE,AND A DESIRE TO CONTINUE THIS JOURNEY IN PEACE KNOWING I AM NEVER ALONE. I KNOW JESUS IS WATCHING OVER ME AND CARRYING ME THROUGH THESE CHALLENGING TIMES. HE DOES UNDERSTAND MY FEAR AND MY ANXIETY ATTACKS. HE KNOW THE WAY THAT I TAKE. I PRAISE GOD FOR MY FAITH, YET JESUS KNOWS MY PAIN AND SEES MY TEARS. I AM ENCOURAGED AFTER READING THESE ARTICLES. PRAY FOR ME.

Bond	Posted: January 25, 2008 9:52 AM


I have been a widow for going five years, and have learned to live on my own with boldness--having faced death through my spouse. So I clearly identify with Miriam's ending remarks. I am so grateful that we have a God that cares for widows and orphans (psalm 68:5).

Sharon Lazorko

Posted: January 24, 2008 7:25 PM

A wonderful article and sharing from Miriam's heart. I do not experiencially understand the pain of being a widow. But I do relate many of the emotions and changes to my experience of being (unwillingly) divorced. The divorce, subsequent losses, and fallout in my family did change my life and my relationship with the church. Divorced women in the church are truly invisible, with none of the positive support from the Bible upon which to be nourished. We are in a separate class. It is painful. But yes, we also grow strong out of necessity, see God provide for us and enjoy the protection and love of our wonderful Heavenly Husband.

Paul Schumacher

Posted: January 24, 2008 1:45 PM

Miriam, I enjoyed your article. I have been moved by the Holy Spirit last year to start a ministry for widows in our congregation. It is, in fact, named The Widows' Might. We take care of the practical needs of widows in deed and others that are disabled or whose husband is disabled. We have volunteers that help with honey-do lists and small repairs, computer help, book keeping help, etc. We have only been functioning less than a year but things are going well. We hope this ministry will eventually not be limited to our local church but will reach out into our community and spread to other churches as well. We also have a group in our church, started by widows, for the fellowship and spiritual/emotional ministry to other widows and widowers. Just yesterday I met with representatives from a church in another city to learn how to start their own such ministry. God is good!

Tommye McNeely

Posted: January 24, 2008 11:15 AM

This couldn't have come at a better time or couldn't have been said any better. Tom and I were high school sweethearts and like Miriam, shared a wonderful life. We were married 43 yr.s and 1 wk. She has put into words many of the thoughts that were too hard to share or realize. On the 1/25/08 Tom will have "been in heaven" 6 mos. and it still seems unreal. He was fine, worked the day before brain surgery on 4/12/06, which he had 16 yrs. before and all was well. It was not cancer and we were looking forward to life enjoying our 4 grandchildren and 2 children and 2 children by marriage. After surgery,Tom had a brain stem stroke while in ICU. He was non-responsive,later moved to nursing center where he was improving, the trach was removed and he KNEW and responded to us. He aspirated and got pneumonia and God did healed him completely and took him home. Oh! how I can relate to Miriam's story(change). How faithful God is!!! He will never leave or forsake you! Praise our Father for grace!

David Gunzel

Posted: January 24, 2008 10:57 AM


Great reminders all ... Scripture has much to say re this subject. I can relate, though NOT a widower -- but a man 'broken' by divorce (which in some ways can be even worse ... too often the 'church' has not just ignored us, but shunned us ...) Thanks for sharing this story and wisdom!

Elias

Posted: January 24, 2008 5:28 AM


How desparate a widow can be on the loss of her beloved! Though young and never married I had a wonderfull time reading this article. I believe the Lord wants to take the driving seat in the widow's life in a new and fresh way, ........ could we think like that and be comforted in a very special way in this very special moment of our lives?

Karen

Posted: January 24, 2008 2:35 AM


Thank you so much for sharing your grief and your experiences. I'm one of those people who never knows what to say in this situation. A woman in our church lost her husband of 40+ years in a car accident in early December and I've been struggling with what to say or how to act around her. This article and the 'do's and don'ts' article have both helped and encouraged me.

Joe Fambrough

Posted: January 23, 2008 8:27 PM

Miriam, I thank you for bravely sharing your experience. Seven years ago, our church recognized the plight of the widow that you so accurately related. Our leadership recognized the biblical mandate to care appropriately for the widow and organized a permanent ministry team to be sure that the mandate was carried out. We are now offering that ministry model to any church who is interested in investigating a ministry to their widows. The desire of our church's Widows' Ministry Team is that the lonely struggles of your story will not have to be repeated by widows in the future, but their story will be one of hope and thankfulness for the support and security they received from their local church who had been obedient to scripture and taken action. Thank you again for helping raise awareness and may God bless you in your continuing ministry.

Diane Morgan

Posted: January 23, 2008 8:09 PM


I am not a widow, but this is one of my biggest fears in my life. I am 56 and my husband is 64. I pray that the Lord will take us together...I just cannot bear the thought of losing him.

Elaine

Posted: January 23, 2008 6:04 PM

Really enjoyed your story. Loss my husband of 38 years to cancer 1 1/2 years ago. It still feels like a nightmare. But I must say, I have had many friends from church and neighbours, that call me and say they are praying for me. It is a hard road, and at times seems impossible to go on, but with the grace of God, I will go on till He calls me. Single and 60 years old, is a hard time to think of new adventures....

Roula Abihanna

Posted: January 23, 2008 3:57 PM


this article is GREAT! my heart has been touched by every word u said. i'm 20 years old and i have experienced loss and i know how it feels... i didn't loose a husband and it was very hard... it actually changed my life! thank God cs He changes death to life even in our lives. God bless you dear sister and thank you for all what u shared

Kathy

Posted: January 23, 2008 3:50 PM

As I type this note, the tears are just flowing from my eyes because I know exactly the pain and deep, deep sorrow.....the grief and the rainbow of emotions that stem from a loss like this. Thank you for having the courage to share these thoughts with so many who would otherwise feel all alone. I for one, will be reaching out when its so easy to look the other way.....the tips are a grateful gift to us all.

Vicki

Posted: January 23, 2008 3:11 PM

I found this article to be so truthfully revealing of how it is to be widowed. I remarried (a widower) after the death of my first husband, only to separtate and then divorce before we had been together 1 1/2 years. We realized that we had married too soon after the death of our spouses. I wanted to try longer; he didn't. I found that the truth of this article applies in so many ways also to the divorced woman. We do not associate one with the other because one loss is God's choice and the other loss is a human choice. The results are so much the same as Miriam described in her article about widows. In fact, sometimes the divorce is more devastating because it was a matter of choice made by a spouse. I know after experiencing both. I hope that people reading this article will help the divorced woman as much as the widowed woman. Thank you, Miriam, for a great article with so much wisdom, knowledge, experience and advice in it.

Nellie Harris

Posted: January 23, 2008 2:55 PM


Thank you for this encouragement. I am now in my 3rd year of facilitating a Grief Share group. You are right, only another widow understands the pain of this seperation from our loved one. We have to find what our "new normal" is. We must walk with one another. Through Jesus anything is possible!

queen shalom

Posted: January 23, 2008 12:16 PM

I think this is an awesome article because widows have been and some are still neglected and very lonly. I think it is wonderful that widows can connect with each other. I hope more Christians read the article and the book and think up ways to benefit those who have lost their husbands. I know it would be greatly appreciated. I know we all live very busy lives but we can and should take some time out to be a blessing to others because there are so many among us that are hurting and lonly. We can make a difference and it really doesn't take much.

Margaret

Posted: January 23, 2008 12:16 PM


One of the best written and biblically-sound articles I have ever read. My heart has been touched by your pain and amazing love. What a legacy your husband left through your children and grandchildren! Thank you for sharing your heart, your source of strength, your challenges and accomplishments...I believe we all are richer because of this article!

Mae	Posted: January 23, 2008 11:28 AM


Thouhg not a widow, I couldn't stop reading. Great insight, preparation and guidlines to deal with the widows among us.

Kathy

Posted: January 23, 2008 11:17 AM


Thank you so much Miriam Neff for these articles. I've been a widow for 16 years, and I couldn't have put it into words like you did. It surely does change one's life! You also gave hope, too. The "catamaran" story was wonderful! God Bless You.

Harold

Posted: January 23, 2008 10:05 AM

I am 84 years old after 43 years of marrage I lost my wife to canceer in 1991. I was born into a Christian home and have been active in my chuch all my life. I have found that afer a wife has lost her husband she feels God had put her in this position for the rest of her life. Many of widower would like to share his time with these women just for the companionship and sometimes they will marry. However these widows feel God had meant for them to serve the rest of their life alone. The church needs to help them change their attitude on this.

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