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Christianity Today, January, 2008 |

Please Do, and Please Don't

Suggestions for encouraging widows.

Miriam Neff | posted 1/18/2008 08:24AM

Apart from the outreach of the church, there are many ways individuals can encourage widows on their journey. But it's often hard to know what to say, for fear of making things worse. So let me offer ...

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Anonymous

Posted: January 27, 2008 2:18 PM


i am young but i think those words help a lot, thank you, i need more advices like these. God Bless you

Linda Hudaggins

Posted: January 24, 2008 4:32 PM


THis is excellent. You need some one to stand with you and walk with though your grief. You don't need there voice but the arm around you. I click on all the star's but they didn't lite up

Tommye McNeely

Posted: January 24, 2008 12:10 PM

Thank you for putting into words some of what we are feeling. Tom "went to heaven" 6 mos. ago on 7/25/07 and my, how my whole world has changed! We, widows, become very different people in many ways. We are the same person that we were before just doing and learning many different things. I have become more compassionate in many ways of others. It is truly that you have to walk in another's shoes to know in part what it is like. Everyone in one way or another is going through a valley of some kind. My prayer is that I will become "better, not bitter"; that God will use the "suffering and it not be wasted"!!! He is my creator and my new Husband!!!

Sheila

Posted: January 23, 2008 11:35 AM

I was widowed four years ago at age 51. I've read some great books on widowhood and find this article in keeping with those. What wonderful understanding and encouragement. I too didn't realize how little I "gave" to the widowed until it happened to me. Soon after my loss I got involved in the singles' ministry at church and became an encourager to other widowed. Although my grown daughters had experienced losing their dad, they couldn't understand the painful changes that I as his wife went through - I don't know if they ever will. People expect you to stay the same, not realizing that your loss has left a gaping hole in your heart and in your entire realm of existence. I've found love and married a man who also was a widower. We both feel God guided our paths to cross. The understanding we found for and with each other was one of the defining attractions we felt. We're excitedly praying now for His direction in how we can best minister for Him in our new life together.

Ugbo	Posted: January 23, 2008 10:42 AM


Thank you very much for this information. It cleared a lot of misconceptions for me.

Isukapati vidya nadh

Posted: January 22, 2008 10:23 PM


Please transmit this massage to your director ISUKAPATI VIDYANADH s/o -MANIKYAM Contact address: Divine Grace Orphanage & Destitute Welfare Center CHURCH OF THE ONLYTRUE GOD Town;-Pentapadu Westgodavary[distict];AndhraPradesh[state] postzip;534166 Phone: +91 9866035499 Age: 11-30-1954 E-mail: onlytruegodministries@yahoo.com Country: SOUTHINDIA Occupation: DIRECTOR www.onlytruegodministries.com

Judy	Posted: January 22, 2008 10:23 PM


As a recent widow in our church (just 3 months and 2 days) I found this to be most helpful. Thank you!

Linda

Posted: January 21, 2008 12:59 PM

I have found church folks to be worse than others for keeping in touch once you are a widow. They never include you in events,etc. Also, your close friends tend to not be as close. You family doesn't seem to understand. Its as if you are isolated and they leave you alone to do the best you can. If you happen to meet them out, they always have an excuse for not staying in touch. Also, I have found that businesses will take advantage of you once they find out you are a widow, especially garages,carpenters, and car salesmen.

Jan	Posted: January 18, 2008 6:29 PM

I would add some other ideas for younger widows with a young family: Our 37 year old daughter was widowed unexpectedly in May. She has 2 small boys. Our daughter is saddened by well-meaning church folks who cast off to her their children's broken toys, games and overly worn clothing in an effort to "provide for the poor widow and her boys". How much greater encouragement if folks would call and offer to take the boys a few hours to play with their own kids, for a couple of dads to include her boys in activities they are doing with their own boys (not for a relationship with her but some male influence for her boys). We live 2000 miles away and grandpa has limited time with the boys during occasional visits. She needs women to call and invite her out for a cup of coffee. She needs families to invite her family to go camping with their families once in a while - she and her boys lost this activity they all so enjoyed before daddy died. They're unready to tent camp alone.

Anne	Posted: January 18, 2008 2:42 PM

This list is excellent. When I was a widow, two meaningful people approached me with help: 1. a woman who declared her husband able to fix anything...and offering his fix-it services to me and my old house. (They followed through on this and he never came to my house except accompanied by his wife, son, grandson, or someone.) He fixed many many things for me and relieved tons of stress. 2. a younger, single youth pastor who asked if he could be my brother, since I had none and he had no family in the area. He helped with my teen son's struggles, shared "buy one get one free" dinner coupons, picked me up when my car misbehaved, etc. Both these were immeasurably helpful to me. And, I totally concur with the encouragement to talk about the departed spouse. Somehow that eases the pain and the emptiness of loss.

Ben	Posted: January 18, 2008 1:22 PM


These are (in my experience) all good suggestions. Don't say, "It was a blessing." If I think that we both thought it a blessing, I'll say so. If you delay at establishing/renewing the new relationship, you may just let it go.

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