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Christianity Today, March, 2008 |

Help for the Sexually Desperate

More and more, Christian men are admitting they've been caught in a vicious cycle.

John W. Kennedy | posted 3/07/2008 08:17AM

One by one, men trickle into the unadorned upstairs church classroom for their regular Thursday night meeting. But the gathering isn't to discuss plans for evangelism outreach, worship-song selection, ...

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EM	Posted: March 19, 2008 11:47 PM

I applaud CT for dealing so openly about such a complex and difficult issue. Many churches are not ready or willing to 'get real' about all types of 'sin' those sitting in the pews are 'caught up' in. The church which is to be an example of compassion is not showing this to its own. If the church is not a 'safe' place for those who are sick to come and receive healing why should we expect the unbelievers to want to come join us. Jesus said that those who are well don't have need of a doctor. When we enter the church building do we consider this gathering as one that will help bring healing?

Jim	Posted: March 18, 2008 1:53 PM


Thanks for continuing to press the church and individual Christians to get smarter and healthier about our life struggles. We all need to challenge and encourage each other. There is victory in Christ.

PhiLL <>< ( ;

Posted: March 18, 2008 1:41 PM

In response to Craig B.'s post on March 7th, both are possible for a sex addict . . . that is, some only get their sexual "fix" through inappropriate means and neglect sex with their wives ( to the point of becoming incapable of having sex with their wives.) Others lead a double life, engaging in their lustful activities as well as having seemingly "normal" sexual relations with their wives. I know this from experience as a recovering sex-addict as well as from my work with leading a recovery group for other sex addicts, not to mention the research done by Carnes and others . . . God Bless Y'all PhiLL <>< ( ;

Art	Posted: March 18, 2008 8:50 AM

The root cause of this sexual addiction is toxic shame. As described in No More Christian Nice Guy, churches are breeding grounds for creating shame in men who already experienced shame in their childhood. What men need to do is take a look at the non-Christian book, No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover (www.nomoreniceguy.com) and start doing those breaking free exercises to get to the root of the shame and permanently end all the shame based behaviors, most of which are based on women. I've been on the program for about 4 years and I've made immense progress in my life. What has frustrated me is how poorly church folks have received this book.

Hurting Wife

Posted: March 16, 2008 7:16 PM

I commend CT for printing such an article like this. There are too many marriages and women affected by this SIN. I'd like to see the so called 'men of God' stand up and own their sin and not shame their wives. Women are NOT responsible for this sin in any way. This is more prevalent in the church than most people think. Lust starts in the heart as Jesus speaks of. Don't be deceived! As the wages of sin is death and it KILLS and damages more than we know. This is the reason Jesus suffered and died for us.

Hurting Wife

Posted: March 16, 2008 6:59 PM

Bill D

Posted: March 16, 2008 3:52 PM


What about single guys...oh that's right theyr'e not going to church much anymore. I have to compete with married guys for the available women out there and I'm behind the 8 ball. The author has the same name as a president with these same issues.

Peter

Posted: March 15, 2008 6:36 AM


Thanks for this article. I finally understand that this addiction is more than what it is. It's a desease that needs to be brought into the light through confession. I thought I could handle this on my own through abstinance. I know now.

J Koos

Posted: March 13, 2008 8:49 PM


To: Blue Deacon- You have it wrong. The lustful look comes first. Not just the bad stuff, but all eye candy. If you learn to stop the lustful looking you will remove the fuel that feeds the fire for worse activities including lustful thoughts. Our Savior got it exactly right. Try it.

BlueDeacon

Posted: March 13, 2008 12:51 PM

J Koos: If it were so simple, articles like this wouldn't need to be written -- and I think you missed the point. For openers, I believe that you have it backwards -- the sexual thoughts come first and then folks start looking for it. Besides, the men in these groups do want holiness, otherwise they wouldn't attend such support groups. That said, the grace of God covers even that sin, and it's high time we understood that.

Ex Pharisee

Posted: March 13, 2008 9:04 AM

My ex-wife and I grew up within the ultra-conservative Churches of Christ and Christian Churches. We were married at a very young age. From the beginning of our marriage, our sexual relations were infrequent and entirely underwelming - which was fine for the tiimes (early "80's). My ex-wife set her own personal/career goals aside, subordinating them to the Dr. Dobson mentality of the times that defined a "good mother" staying home, etc. Our sexual relationship continued dismally status quo ante. Unfortunately for both of us, she simply never grasped the concept that men are very much visual beings and, being denied sex - will find it - period end. I rest no blame with her - and, most importantly, I feel little guilt about leaving a marriage bed to find another. I evaluate my relationship with God, I'm clearly lacking & in need of his grace, but I am not flooded by guilt & I know he loves me. Was it the same for Amy Grant? Larry Norman? Sandi Patti? Randy Stonehill? Paula & Randy White?

William

Posted: March 13, 2008 6:51 AM

Everything pointed out in the article and in the comments brings out the momentous stuggle that massive numbers of souls are having with the deadly sin of Lust in all its deceptive forms. In the Bible (Old and New Testament) and in the history of 2000 years of Christianity, concupisence (the strong inclination toward sin) has always existed. There has always been confession and the healing power of God´s grace. This is part of the journey, the race. Sin, especially deadly sin (Letters of John), diminishes in the Holy light of Truth. Jesus breathed on his disiciples and gave them the power to forgive(or not) sins (John 20:23) which imply that they would have to know about the sins in order to forgive them. Paul wrote "Confess your sins to one another". My point is simply this: Jesus wants us to confess our sins to other people for our sake and to grow in holiness. Confession is a holy act commanded by the Lord. In our "modern" times it is finally being rediscovered; virtue returning.

Vincent

Posted: March 12, 2008 11:51 PM

Having grown up being taught in the Catholic Church, I feel that regular confession to a man (the priest) is taken by many to mean they have license to continue with the sin that has a stranglehold on them. Then, go back to confession again. Meanwhile, those who we are confessing to have their own sexual sin issues, only few of which have come out to the open. It is good to partner with one or a small group of Christian believers who we can share with confidentially and prayerfully. In these groups, we are strengthened and the enemy is defeated by testimonies of saved brothers and sisters.

TJ	Posted: March 12, 2008 9:27 PM


I am excited to see that there are so many options for help in fighting this battle. Vogelman is right when he says fighting to be that pure bride is going to be one of the toughest battles the church has ever fought, and even thought many churches aren't equipped it sounds like these ministries are a huge step in the right direction.

Sarah

Posted: March 12, 2008 1:44 PM


Please do an article helping wives cope when their husbands fall. What should she do? Where does she get support? How does she find out about rsources to help her?

jim	Posted: March 12, 2008 12:09 PM


An excellent, in depth article about a growing problem. Keep offering this kind of extended writing about issues and topics. Thanks!

Christopher

Posted: March 12, 2008 8:47 AM

As a former porn reader, I raise three points: 1)in porn as in other functions of our flesh, there is a law of diminishing returns(it gets old/stale) 2)we reap what we sow, albeit subconsciously. 3)the only way I found to deal with such drives is a choice:to love Jesus and His approval above all else, and to choose not to put such material before my eyes again. Satan loves to burn such images into memory and use these to tempt. Perhaps someone may also benefit from my experience. All praise to Him.

Susan

Posted: March 11, 2008 9:33 PM

Obviously, Steve has no compassion or understanding of spiritual or psychological matters whatsoever. Get the log out of your eye, Steve, and then repent of your hard-heartedness. Then get to know Jesus through reading the Gospels, and see how he dealt with addicts and sinners. I found myself in this trap several years ago and it destroyed my marriage. I was looking at internet porn, flirting with men, finally had a 3-yr affair with a man, and contracted HPV. I was lucky it was only HPV! I had to come to terms with the sexual abuse of my childhood at age 3-4 by older children across the street. This experience changed my boundaries forever, even though I attended a very strict, fundamentalist church 3 times weekly. I never told my parents about it, of course. It was too shameful. But combined with a submissive mother and repressed desires, set off a time bomb. it affected my view of myself as a woman, and how I could never be a "proper mother." thanks for doing this story.

Shane

Posted: March 11, 2008 8:07 PM

I used to seek solutions through support groups and behavior modification for my own sex addiction. (& I'm not talking about porn; I'm talking serious promiscuity.) But I found a greater healing when I stopped obsessing about changing my behavior & beating myself up for it, and learned to accept love and grace in a community of deep fellowship & pursued Christ hungrily through spiritual disciplines. Temptation, for me at least, began to diminish in power. Dallas Willard talks about the "era of sin management" in his book The Divine Conspiracy & the problem with placing the emphasis on changing behavior over maturing in Christ. I think these approaches fall under that well-intended but off-the-mark emphasis. I feel compelled to add that Vogelman's comment about the "spotless bride of Christ" is an unfortunate one; it says, essentially, that those of us struggling with sexual sin are the culprits, we're the blemishes in the house. Our sin is the worst. Frankly, it's bull%&@#.

Sparx

Posted: March 11, 2008 5:15 PM


J - It may help, but there are probebly other ways to cope with depression. You know that God isn't pleased with lust.

DR	Posted: March 11, 2008 3:35 PM


Yes, we humans are weak and some of us are predisposed to this type of sin. Some are blessed to not fall into its' throws. Articles like this need to be discussed in our churches. Hopefully we will not be too quick to judge others, but will instead focus on lifting them up in prayer and offering our Christian love and support.

Danny

Posted: March 11, 2008 1:56 PM

My comment is about the poll, "do you view porn?". I have been a coach of home group leaders for many years and I just don't believe the results of your poll is representative. 74% replied that they do not view porn? 77% if you include the 3% who viewed the grocery line stuff as porn. I am sure way over 23% of men in small groups have problems with porn. I think women took the survey (or men in victory) and made the problem look less than it really is.

Dorn against Porn

Posted: March 11, 2008 12:23 PM

Our key problem in sexual addiction is that orgasms, and the natural release of dopamine, are not morally cued. If orgasms exploded in pain rather than pleasure when we performed immoral sexual acts, then there would be no sexual immorality or addiction. Keeping that thought in mind, we must conclude that sexual addiction is classic reward conditioning with antecedent factors such as family system issues, sexual abuse, stress and cultural cues, playing a strong causal and/or exacerbating role. What God has revealed to us is that making proper choices for the context of sexual activity is the key to avoiding immorality and addiction. In this sense sexual addiction may be defined as the failure to learn or keep sexual boundaries and then allowing the hormone system of sex to reinforce immoral and compulsive behavior. Until it is definitively proven that the sex hormone system of addicts is altered or damaged in some way, we cannot define sex addiction as a 'disease'.

J	Posted: March 11, 2008 9:10 AM


Ive been using porn for years.,..and it helps me cope with depression

Steve Jones

Posted: March 11, 2008 9:09 AM


Hey, Steve...by the simple act of posting those words, you prove the truth of Romans 3:23. Pick up a Bible before you bother with the textbook, take a look at Romans 3:23, then take a look in the mirror. I guarantee you'll see a person with their own shortcomings...who has no business ripping on others for theirs.

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