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Christianity Today, September, 2008 |

Choosing Celibacy

How to stop thinking of singleness as a problem.

Marcy Hintz | posted 9/12/2008 09:35AM

On an ordinary Tuesday last spring, the Dean of Student Life at an evangelical Christian college in the Midwest said to me, her graduate assistant, "Marcy, the evangelical culture of our campus does a ...

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Sue	Posted: September 25, 2008 2:33 AM

Brent, I agree. But for many women, it is not a "decision" as more of not getting chosen or being overlooked for more "dangerous" girls or the adultelesence that seems to pervade. As unpopular as this may sound, I am asking our men to step up and realize something (and btw, I'm not talking to men such as you. I applaud you) I think from the articles I have researched and books I have read (and which this article points to as well) is the inability of many men to let go of the "warrior" years that pervades their thinking in our age: marriage is not about how much money you have. It is about growing up and taking on the responsibilities of being an unselfish adult who is available to provide for your wife and family **through** God and not thinking you as a man have to do that all yourself before you ask a sister to get married. I personally know of too many women who have been stood up at the alter most cruelly as well as some who have been left soon after the marriage begun.

Dawn	Posted: September 23, 2008 1:35 PM


Hip, hip, hooray! I'm married, but I resonate with your call to attention here, Marcy. Marriage and family is no be all, end all, and I'm constantly needing to re-evaluate how to find a balance between family and ministry to the larger world, to ensure that I'm not living the American dream, but clinging to the Kingdom call.

Tiasha

Posted: September 22, 2008 1:01 PM

Hi Marcy, Great article. In my thoughts the evangelical movement emphasizes marriage to maintain a standard of purity and those who are unable to be celibate should marry as stated in I Corinthians 7. I guess the church is fearful that if they preach singleness or celibacy that many won't take the call seriously and may become immoral. There are singles who want to date and have a boyfriend. Yes, these singles won't have sex but what about other aspects of dating such as kissing, cuddling and intimate kissing moments. There are singles that want to abstain from the opposite sex all together, no dating just completely loving God and committing to a life a of singlesness. I have members of my family that are like this. Singleness is complex and to group the vow of celibacy in it is only one part of it. However, I agree celibacy and singleness should be discussed in church. The vow of celibacy, like marriage is a serious one as stated and may not be right for all singles. God Bless...

Rachel M

Posted: September 18, 2008 3:32 PM

Marcy, this article succinctly encapsulates such an array of collected material. You are helping shape the practical theology of the evangelical church on what it means to be the _family_ of God. You draw our attention to what really matters - Christ and His Kingdom - so that we can serve Him in the day-to-day with more abandon, regardless of our current marital situation. If God can't use us one way, He'll use us another - all we have to do is jump in! Thank you for speaking this out and modeling it in your community.

Geoff

Posted: September 17, 2008 4:48 PM

Well, I'm probably "feeding the troll", but since Roberto (and his alter-egos?) want to press the issue, how about this -- Matthew 5:27-28: "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Let's think about this. Jesus is saying that anyone who even LOOKS at a woman lustfully has sinned. You can dance around it and say, "Oh, he's only talking about married people", but that completely misses the point. Jesus understood what the whole Jewish culture understood, namely, that once you have sex with someone, you're considered to be married to them. Sex and marriage were united. So sex "outside of marriage" meant a couple of things: sex with a prostitute, adultery, or sex with someone whom you don't marry. All of those were considered sinful. Charges of misogyny, though correct, also miss the point, because Jesus isn't discussing gender, he's discussing lust.

Millie

Posted: September 17, 2008 8:37 AM

Great article! I always wondered why the church on marriage when Paul actually said it was better to be single to focus on God and the church. I find this is true as my days for 16 years have been filled with working, taking care of husband and child, homework, extracurricular activities etc. When I was single, I had much more time to 'serve the body of Christ." I am quite happy where I am, but I also was quite happy where I was, and people acted like there was something wrong with me that I didnt have the "desperation" to get married... as if somehow somethign was wrong with me!

Ally	Posted: September 17, 2008 7:57 AM

Unfortunately, it's married people who need to be re-educated about the value of those of us who are single. In many churches, singles are not considered quite "grown up". When Christian women gather, married women often think we have nothing of value to say if we don't have kids, and that's all they want to talk about--that, and how hard their lives are, and how easy our lives are if we are single and don't have children, because we don't have any problems! I hate to sound bitter here, but I've been dealing with this for over 20 years. I thank the writer for raising the fact that we who are single can be mature in our faith and have many gifts to offer the church and desire the opportunity to serve the Lord. But the attitudes of married people, especially women, are firmly entrenched. And while I cherish the freedom of singleness, I also desire the love and companionship of a godly man. It' ok to want the best of both worlds.

CT	Posted: September 16, 2008 7:10 PM

What is this, that EVERYbody wants to look for romance? If you're married, you should stay faithful & married. But why look for marriage? I get my romance out of novels, where it belongs. There is no such thing as romance or anything else in novels (even Christian romance novels)--deal with it. It's people lying about things (even Christians). Like the woman who buys herself flowers (& sometimes even has another person deliver them for extra oomph) then tells all her coworkers "Look what my special person did!" And everybody goes "Ahhhh, how sweet!" I could do the same thing; I just like telling the truth & not having to lie. God's Blessings!

Paul Maurice Martin

Posted: September 16, 2008 9:57 AM

This strikes me as true - that celibacy can be constructively chosen and that this ought to be acknowledged. At the other extreme from disavowing celibacy as an option is the idea of required celibacy. Imo, this isn't a positive thing, and this has been amply illustrated by the Catholic church - I say this as someone who was raised Catholic myself. A member of my own extended family was affected by the scandals of recent decades.

Roberto

Posted: September 15, 2008 3:07 PM

It's incredible to see someone like Brent Vermillion unequivocally state that the OT prohibited sex outside of marriage without pointing to a single verse to support this. This is the sort of ignorance I wrote about in my comment, which has enslaved believers for centuries. Face it, if God wanted to make it clear that sex before/outside of marriage was prohibited, he would have unequivocally said so. He forbade committing "adultery". But if you would do a little lexographical research (Brent's obviously too lazy) you would understand that concept was applied to women. It prohibited a married woman from having sex with a man that was not her husband; and a man from having sex with a married woman. That's it! I know its not convenient to point such things out, but this concept is rooted in the concept of women being considered chattel property. A wife was considered a man's possession. So, she was forbidden from having sex with other men, and other men from having sex with her!

Erick F.

Posted: September 15, 2008 9:06 AM

This article misses a few very important points. Young adults stay in school longer, not merely because of job market demands, but because of the failures of our educational system. Decreasing standards and grade inflation have made a high school diploma almost meaningless, and a bachelors degree isn't much better. Young adults postpone marriage for many reasons, among them being immaturity and also the sexual immorality that has invaded even the evangelical sub-culture. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" the saying goes. On a related point, many young evangelical women who would love to be married and don't feel called to life-long celibacy are faced with a dire shortage of young evangelical men who actually live out their Christian faith, especially in the areas of dating and sexuality. You can't simply say "singleness isn't a problem" when there are so may cultural pressures that make a Christ-centered marriage an unattainable goal for so many who desire it.

Pat	Posted: September 14, 2008 8:37 PM

Revocable and vow? I think one cannot approach either singleness or marriage in that way. I always thought about marriage but it wasn't until I came to Christ that I could see celibacy as being an option as opposed to a "curse" (my mom wouldn't have ever thought to ask if I was going to be "celibate"; she wanted to know when I might find a woman to marry). Marriage should be for life...and if you choose celibacy then that should be for life unless GOD reveals to you otherwise. Humanity often doesn't incline easily towards lifelong commitment.

Joshua Cookingham

Posted: September 14, 2008 4:58 PM

Good article. It is important to cherish and support those called to singleness. However, we could run away with this notion. Paul said he had no command from the Lord, only a strong opinion based on his conviction. He also said if a man and woman burn too much with passion than they should be married, because not doing so would lead to sin. Let's have grace with both sides, that's all I'm saying.

Brent Vermillion

Posted: September 14, 2008 8:46 AM

Good article although I do not believe we need orders of celibacy in our evangelical churches. It is a life-choice to marry or to remain single. Both have implications regarding our time, resources, relationships and physical bodies and desires. The Bible clearly prohibits sexual relations outside of marriage. Women were put to death under the OT for not being virgins on their wedding night and being able to provide proof thereof after the coming together for the first time with their husbands. The penalty for sex outside of marriage was death (not just spiritual death but physical death). If Christians are to choose to stay single it is for the Lord and service to him (no matter our vocation) not so we can whore around in our single years. Once again, it is a valid life-decision. The decision can be for all of life to be single or until a certain age. Of course, the marriage decision is until death of one of the partners. Either way, our lives and bodies belong to the Lord.

Andersen

Posted: September 14, 2008 6:35 AM

I am saddened to read the testimony of 'confidential'. I am reminded again that churches are full of people...and all the fallibility that this encompasses. I pray that you might find in Jesus the strength to speak openly and remain steadfast that ones who follow may find a different dynamic in the church. God bless. The ideas expressed in this article hold an important key to our church communities. As the only unmarried woman in my church, I would benefit from a sense of choice and purpose when the people in my church exit two-by-two to their homes while I exit knowing knowing all of my needs must be met by God, as there is no one else.

J.	Posted: September 13, 2008 3:30 PM

As someone who is in the same waiting room that Melissa finds herself in, I truly sympathize. But perhaps the problem is that we are looking for answers to questions that the Church was never meant to provide. Do I want marriage and family? Yes, but I don'tsee it as the answer to my deepest desires. The truth is, my deepest desire is live a life fulfilling God's purposes and plans for my life. Marriage and family can be a part of that, but I think the problem is that God's gifts become gods in our lives and are abused for our own purposes. While I may not have any control on whether or not marry, I do have control about my attitude. I have a choice to acknowledge and be honest about my desires BEFORE GOD, but also not basing my satisfaction and significance in life to be based on what others think(and that includes fellow church members, unfortunately). I think what really needs to happen is that marrieds and singles need to drop their preconceived notions about each other....

Vee	Posted: September 13, 2008 2:56 PM

I am glad for the awareness this article has raised. I realize that my attitude of pity toward young singles has been unhelpful. I had not thought about the importance of helping them discover that they may be called to a state of celibacy for Christ. In this, the church becomes their family--a place of nurture and support, but it also needs to recognize and call forth the gifts and ministry embodied therein--that which gives true meaning to their lives. Great opportunity exists for the church to recognize the same in the large number of celibate widows (and the smaller number of widowers) who are members of our congregations. Those who have lost their life partner often find it difficult to redirect their lives and have no awareness of the possibilities of finding a place to offer their lifetime of experience. Here is opportunity not just to provide social events but to encourage the use of natural and spiritual gifts to serve our Lord.

Levi	Posted: September 13, 2008 12:17 PM

I find this article very good. What the Lord taught me in the last few years is that I have to learn to be satisfied with my unmarried condition (I have never been). I'm complete in Christ. He is enough and I don't have to live with this constant pressure that I need to get married. He called me to serve Him, so I should do it and let this part of my life (marrige) in His hand. From the article I like very much this part: "This said, celibacy is not necessarily a terminal vocation. God could certainly call a single adult into a new way of being in the world. But that presumes that he or she was first in full possession of a previous identity. In other words, our attentiveness to marriage as a holy calling—a calling "not to be entered into lightly," as the Anglican service book puts it—proclaims itself most strongly when it is assumed by two people who have first known themselves to be celibate." I find this a great thought! I think we're not supposed to take our identity from marrige.

Matina

Posted: September 13, 2008 12:16 PM

Amen! Thank you for finally speaking about this. And thank you Marcy for such a realistic and honest picture of the celibate life. I am very grateful. As a young celibate Christian woman I wish our Church would give us some respect from time to time. Our Lord was celibate, and the Scriptures affirm that this state is a better choice in this time. I also wish today's Church would stop picking up wordly perspectives on the celibate life. "You can live without sex, but you can't live without love!" - said one very wise Christian. We are very much filled with love, for Jesus and his Church, and it is the grace of God that sustains us to the very end.

Melissa

Posted: September 13, 2008 11:30 AM

I appreciate the intention of this article and the desire to elevate singlenes to be a calling and a choice. For some I'm sure it is exactly that. Unfortunately, this doesn't address the many singles in whom God has placed a desire for marriage and family. Those singles, who are committed to purity and chastity, are stuck in the space in between their faith in God's sovereignty over their lives and the desire to do His will, and pain that they face in the waiting. The church still has a long way to go in reaching out to these singles and truly including them in the life of the church and recognizing the profound struggle of this balancing act. I wish it were a choice, but for many of us it just isn't.

Jane from Brazil

Posted: September 13, 2008 10:39 AM

This is like fresh water in a desert. As a married woman I share Hintz´s point of view. Celibacy should be considered as a normal and desireble condition to be embraced by people who want to serve the Lord free from the burdens of marriage, nevertheless burdened by other kinds of care. It is a refreshing view of Reign, instead of a narrow vision of two tribes. The most important is that both celibate or married people have the opportunity to choose serving the Lord in the condition they are called, while the door of grace is still open. Besides, Hintz text is most pleasing to read. Blessed be, brave girl.

Basil ....Again

Posted: September 13, 2008 10:06 AM

There have been some good responses to this article...and then some that are well....not so good. Over the years I have observed that there are many types of singles in a given church. I am relating specifically here to megachurches that have singles groups. Here were some of my observations from three different groups over a ten year span of time 1. There were those who wanted to get married and indeed can and should. 2. There were those who wanted to get married and shouldn't. (These were people who had severe character issues or psychological problems that would have prevented them from sustaining a long lasting marriage) Sadly I saw too many people like this. 3. Those that could have cared less either way. 4. Those who believed that they had the gift of celibacy and served God in long term or short term capacities. These people made up about 5% of those who were in a given singles group.

Sherif

Posted: September 13, 2008 8:57 AM

Wonderful article. Thank you. When the Catholic Priests' scandal exploded a few years ago, a TV program interviewer asked her audience: "do you prefer celibacy or normalcy?" Nobody questioned the question that equates celibacy with perversion. I just bring this up to show the tremendous physical and societal pressures anyone wanting to live in celibacy in the modern culture is bound to face. There has to be a community of believers that accepts and respects a person's desire to live in utter devotion to Jesus and His church. That community needs to support, love and affirm that individual's decision, and hold him or her accountable to it.

t.	Posted: September 13, 2008 6:53 AM

It would be wonderful if many could take the work the Lord seriously, just like Paul the Apostle, to dedicate their lives completely to God, making Jesus the full and complete focus of their lives. This means a holy life, in which worldly cares and interests are set aside. To be set apart for God means not being interested in sex and having to care for a partner or spouse. Jesus then become more of a husband than a once-a-week lover-of the-soul.

Joy	Posted: September 13, 2008 1:53 AM

Having been married at age 37, I have some idea of the single life. My experience does not, however, coincide with this article. Most of the singles in my rather large church (about 2000 members) wanted to be married. A lot of the men my age were single due to fear of commitment or some other issue - NOT a choice to be celibate IN ORDER TO better serve the Lord. That's the difference, I think. Paul seemed to have stayed single IN ORDER TO better serve the Lord. There IS more freedom in singleness. But how many single 30 + people are single truly IN ORDER TO better serve the Lord? In the case of many of the women in our church, it was for lack of a good guy asking. We DO have a family oriented church, but I always felt embraced by the whole gamut of other members. But then again, I put myself in their lives, too. I still have many single friends, and, especially the women, make the very most of their singleness and celibacy, but they'd STILL rather be married.

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