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Christianity Today, July, 2009 |

Throwing Inkwells

'Honor Thy Father' for Grownups

Or, how not to be a deadbeat son or daughter.

Mollie Ziegler Hemingway | posted 7/01/2009 09:13AM

Why is it that we heap scorn on "deadbeat" parents who fail to take care of underage children, but excuse adult children who don't take care of their feeble parents?

Perhaps it's because caring for children—no ...

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BETTE DEWING

Posted: July 15, 2009 7:19 AM

i AM RE-SUBSCRIBING TO Chrsitianity Today becaue of this piece on a subject so dear to my heart as a mother of adults and my work as a columnist and social activist. It's a subject rarely addressed in all its terrible truths even by faith groups. Increasingly elders in our soicety have become "bit players" if that in the lives of their younger family members - even when ailing and alone. Faith groups usually go along with this age apartheid societal system. Most elders keep their sorrows to themselves, unlike their "youngers' who endlessly blame parents for any/all their problems. The great majority of mothers and fathers actively selflessly care about their offspring as much and often more than anyone else ever will- and until "death do us part." Yet so many only reap indifference and neglect. Parents/other family neglected kindred too, please join my grassroots movement to protest this heartbreaking indifference and sin. (dewingbetter@aol.com.

Valerie

Posted: July 14, 2009 8:45 PM

My parents are both 85 years old. They have been very independent until just the past few months when my dad blacked out while driving causing a serious accident. Luckily everyone walked away although the car he struck, flipped. The accident led to compresion fractures in his spine. My mom, who lost the vision in one eye completely about two years ago, is limited vision in the other and now is the designated driver! My brothers and I have tried to offer our advice and guidance, but they are certainly still the parents...believe me...we have even had the doctor's tell them that she cannot drive. However, the Department of Motor Vehicles says that she can...and she will. But, as Paul Harvey would have said, "now the rest of the story": They are wonderful about letting me take care of them in so many ways. I run errands for them as much as I can. They are such a delight, even as stubborn and difficult as they can be at times. I am happy that I live less than a mile away.

Daughter

Posted: July 13, 2009 5:33 PM

My mother excluded me for years & chose my brother who ran off with her money & left me to take care of her in her last painful 4 months. Mom & I reconciled & I was with her to the end. Brother didn't even come to funeral. She lived in a way that made it difficult to be a devoted daugther. She was mean, a liar, played everyone against each other. Husband's parents are cold, virtual strangers. We'd never consider caring for them & wouldn't feel guilty for not. They weren't warm & loving all his life & caused many problems. Let his sisters do their duty or parents can deplete their treasured fortune in a nursing home unless they figure out a way to take it with them. They are trying to. Reality: some parents don't want intimacy, not then, not now. You never know the real story of the harmless looking lonely old person so don't ever judge their kids. In the end, we all reap what we sow.

derekpm

Posted: July 12, 2009 4:13 PM


Rather interesting. Has few times re-read for this purpose to remember. Thanks for interesting article. Waiting for trackback

Brian

Posted: July 09, 2009 6:38 PM

I have chosen to stay where I am living in order to help my parents. Where I dream of living is in the mountains and about 4 hours from their house, but I feel that the Lord wanted me to stay for them. I currently live about 45 minutes from their house. At times it has been hard because my heart really wants to move to this place, but I have chosen to do what is right. I am now glad I did that. Two months ago my mother died after a long battle with Parkinson's. During ths time, I was able to visit her and dad and help out. It would have been very hard to do that if I was 4 hours away. Now that dad is alone, my wife and I visit him at least once a week, and will take him on vacations with us. Due to caring for my mom, dad hasn't been able to do anything like that in at least 10 years. Any time he needs us he can call and we can be there within an hour. I still dream of my future home in the mountains, but I am more sure then ever that I did the right thing by staying close.

Esther

Posted: July 09, 2009 11:43 AM

I resigned from being a foreign misssionary to care for my then aged parents not knowing that my Dad would live till 106 and my mother at well into 101st year is still living. When I could no longer manage they went to a Nursing home at the ages of 105 and 99. Once in the home I spent at leeat two hours a day with them singing and praying together and helping with their care. I continue to spend my evenings with Mom who has multiple health problems so after encouraging her in the Lord I prepare her for and put her into bed. I watch family members of other residents pop in for a few minutes and not even staying to help their elderly parent eat his/meal. When Dad died in December I had no regrets of all the time I spent looking after him. Many times over the years I have struggled as I see the freedom of my family members to travel, vacation and live. I remind myself often that the service I am giving is to the Lord and this transforms my attitude. God's ways are higher than ours.

Rose	Posted: July 09, 2009 5:34 AM

Lynne, I am learning that serving one another is not about our efforts. It needs to be an overflow of the love of God in us. Some of us have saved parents and some do not, but whether or not they are saved should not change how we love them. It is important for us to have a relationship with God where the lives we live we live through Christ so that we are not serving out of our own strength and effort. For if serve out of our own strength and effort, we will get tired, irritable and feel it's unfair that we have to do what we are doing. And that detracts from the testimony that you want to, need to and should be giving about Christ. Your parents are going to notice, feel and be recipients of your anger and frustration. If you want to reach your parents one of the ways to do this is to show the love of God to them through our selfless service to them. Ask God to help you love them the way that He loves you. Be gentle and kind with them and pray earnestly for them to know God's love.

Dee	Posted: July 08, 2009 3:39 PM

What a wonderful article. I wish all adult children could read it and hopefully gain more compassion, love, caring attitude and time for their parents. I'm an only child and grew up with my parents caring for their parents so it was only natural for me to step in and do the same. Due to health issues my parents moved in with us. My father died within 15 months. My mother continued to live with us until she died 22 years later at the age of 94. During 14 years of that time I was also caring for my dear husband who suffered with Parkinson's. He died three month prior to my mother's death. My caregiving days were difficult and it was only by the grace and love of our most Gracious God that I was able to care for them. He is the one who gave me the strength, patience, health and ability to care for them. I know they appreciated my love and care. I am truly grateful for the blessing of being there for them when they needed me. I will always cherish those years of loving and caring for them.

Margaret

Posted: July 08, 2009 11:33 AM

I have had the good fortune of caring for my mother for over 15 years. I have watched her go from someone with lots of energy and vitality to someone who wishes she could do and get around the way she used to. It has been a challenge, and I will admit there were many times when I resented having to do it all. I have four siblings and the responsibility has been primarily mine. One thing I have learned is to take my eyes off of me and to focus on her needs. It is only by God's grace and His unfailing love that I am able and GRATEFUL for the privilege of caring for my mom. His perfect love has given me the patience I need to care for her and to endure this journey. I would not trade caring for mom for anything in the world! Yes I have had to miss a lot of work, even some events, but my mom will not be here forever, and I plan to treasure the time we have before God takes her home. Treasure and honor your parents if you are fortunate enough to still have them.

Nadine

Posted: July 08, 2009 10:44 AM

I am so very touch by above responses, because myself being the oldest in my family, help cared for my now decease father, before he pass on. We all came together to help care for Dad, he had NO strength and he relied totally on us for everything, it were such a blessing to turn around and help the man that I looked up so much when I was a little girl, my thoughts now I think of all the times we spent together, my memories of Dad keep me strengthen, and knowing I help cared for him when he needed me the most. I love every moment I spent in helping care for Dad.Thanks for this moment that we all can share our experiences.Be Bless

Nancy

Posted: July 08, 2009 10:23 AM

Many adult children are too wrapped up in their own lives to care for their aging parents condemning them to a life of loneliness in sterile nursing homes. I was never given the chance to care for my parents like they cared for me. Living thousands of miles away I didn't find out about my step-dad's cancer until close to the end. Luckily, I was with him during his final days. My mom was a loving spiritual person ravaged by MS. My step-dad never abandoned her, taking care of her even when she was bed ridden. When he died I swore to my mom that she was not a burden to me and that I would care for her. Unfortunately, she willed herself to die three months after my step-dad died. I took care of her for those months and was deeply saddened that she died so soon. Honor and love your parents, always and forever. If you’re unable to care for them at home, visit them often no matter how uncomfortable seeing them in that condition makes you feel. They would never abandon you. Don’t abandon them.

Susan

Posted: July 08, 2009 9:51 AM

I'm just beginning this journey as the eldest child of aging parents. My mom once said "Old age is the final exam of life." As I read Scripture, so often those who had run a good race, didn't finish well. I keep praying for my parents and myself to finish well, not only for our sakes but for future generations. Dear close relatives have died without accepting Christ as Savior and Lord. It breaks my heart. On the other hand, I saw my grandmother have years of Alzheimers--and her life still blessed others during that condition. No believers life is wasted, and the ripple effect can't be measured. God bless the caretakers who are becoming more like Him in the process.

jane kyaka

Posted: July 08, 2009 7:45 AM

very well thought out article. Aging Parents are very difficult to care for. Having come from a disintegrated African Polygamous Family its even more a daunting task as the differences that the parents had all along keep replaying during the old critical age thus making it very difficult for the Children to assist as they keep been dragged into endless wrangles. This becomes exceedingly more difficult when p aged parents are diagnosed with old age diseases such as Dementia , ALZHEIMER ETC. My conviction is that it is pay back time and we all need to gladly take care of our aging parents and relatives.It is the 6th Commandment and we have to just abide

Helen

Posted: July 08, 2009 2:19 AM

Sadly, I must whole-heartedly agree with Lynne. I opened this article hoping to find concrete help and guidance, but realized quickly that it left me with more emptiness. To sit with, pray with, feed or bathe a dying elderly relative or parent is certainly a given for most responsible Christians. Something gladly done. But instead, many of us have aging unsaved parents who won't breathe a word about death, who deny it, and do their best to continue playing golf and going ballroom dancing. Some have for years become furious and raging at the mention of salvation; many of us have literally been persecuted for years by vengeful parents, yet we call them, visit, and pray unceasingly. An aging body? That is the simplest thing to care for. An aging unsaved Soul...here is our most difficult challenge. There is very little advice or comfort offered in the Christian world for that, and many adult Christian children are hurting terribly, while holding on to God's promises.

Lin	Posted: July 07, 2009 10:54 PM


Article is well-written & puts out a truth that's needed to be heard.But there are circumstances where some adult children aren't permitted by the parents themselves & by siblings to help in anyway, despite repeated, sincere offers to assist in any way possible. The article again was well-written as far as it went, but specifics would be of more help.

Lynne

Posted: July 07, 2009 9:55 PM

Has this had to deal with being the primary caregiver of an ill, elderly parent AND ALSO have family responsibilities involving having to work full-time and parent their own children, WHILE attempting to maintain some semblance of emotional, spiritual, mental and physical health? This article is laden with simple platitudes for those whose parents are believers. At least they can count on eternity. How about those who parents STILL do not know the Lord, even after prayers for decades? How about dealing with their resistance to anything spiritual? EVen the title of this piece places guilt, blame and shame on us "deadbeats" out here who are attempting, with all we've got, to care for our parents in a fashion that does not rob them of their dignity and intelligence. Move across the country to care for our parent? Lose our job, income, home and marriage relationship because we're trying not to be a deadbeat? For many, our reality. Thanks for the encouragement to help us get through. NOT.

Gary Sweeten

Posted: July 07, 2009 9:31 PM

We are accosted by a tradition of individualism rather than community and it shows greatly as we age and deal with families split by miles and years. I teac classes on family systems that emphasize geno grams, generational blessings and building intergenerational communities. It is not a thinkable thought until we start teaching about t differently and practice life a bit differently. For example, very few Evangelical White Churches honor former elders, pastors and founders. Black churches often honor their leaders and bring people back to reunions. White churches, especially the newer ones, cut themselves off from elders and miss out on generational blessings.

Anna	Posted: July 07, 2009 7:46 PM

I'm one of those who live thousand miles away from my parents since I got married. However, when my father had the heart attact, there was a strong urge within me to be at his side. I was able to take care of him and assist my mother for two agonizing weeks of seeing him close to death. I left hoping that he will get better. And everyday before his final day here on earth was very difficult. I wanted to be with them and yet I need to be with my husband, go back to work and support them financially too. I was torn apart. And yet blessed enough to have a husband who understand my situation. Yes, my father died and I was not there...but I know that he is with the Lord. I'm not a parent yet, but loosing one at early age is not an easy chapter in life that anyone can easily handle.

Joe	Posted: July 07, 2009 10:09 AM

I think the root of the problem is that the American culture does not value "honor your parents", even when children are young. The American culture also does not value "family", with many parents thinking that raising their children is an obligation until they are 18 years old, then, the relationship ceases. The church does not teach the Biblical principles of family as the primary social unit. It is time for the church to wake up and step up.

Bette Dewing

Posted: July 07, 2009 6:05 AM

I've long railed against the neglect of mothers and fathers by adult sons and daughters (happens to other elder kindred too) in my 33 year old Dewing Things Better column (www.ourtowny.com) and in talks both public and personal. But the church on left AND right has not ibeen nterested. Age segregation dominates there ioo. I don't know who will continue this mission when I depart this life. My life has/is surely been damaged by too little interacton with my offspring. But I see it whereever I go where elders are just left out in the cold, or often heat, literally too, the greatest natural disaster caused dying. But the inidfference TAkes the greatest overall toll - and considerd natural in our again age-segregated society where only the couple and nuclear unit family matter. Note how Grandmother now in the White House Hardly ever mentioned. Just one example of customs and views dominating our society and increasingly those which included elders. PLEASE HELP! THANK YOU!

Elizabeth

Posted: July 06, 2009 3:06 PM

To Jan, Beachy, and Marianne, yes there are abusive parents. We are also called to forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean if a parent is still abusive you subject your children to their abuse. They may reject your forgiveness, but no parent of a professing Christian should die helpless and uncared for. Many who call themselves Christians, however, are not angry at alcoholic or abusive parents, they are angry at the parents who worked too hard, didn't listen enough, were too strict, not strict enough, etc. so they neglect them. It is not a sin to put your parent in a nursing home or assisted living if care in their own or your own home is not possible or adviseable. It is wrong to not see that their needs, physical, emotional, and spiritual, are met. My father travelled for a living, but made sure mom was able to be a stay at home parent. I was resentful at all he missed until I had my own children and realized how imperfect I was as a parent.

andy tucker jc 1

Posted: July 05, 2009 4:50 PM

Faith in God and evil should die.I think when a person lives for God death is not a big issue.Like me i wish i had more money for ministry and traveled like an missionary.And sadness about not stoping evil. I am sick alot. Not funeral costs and dealing with rest. and maybe pain.so be a christian supremist (cross on a box drawing) square because of perfect design not circle.Be ready for crazed beast that say i want what you have. Think on creating caring jesus christ nation(brown white cross alter beleiving, dedicated) groups.Evil wants to hurt,kidnap, destroy christians.the devil knows about sanctified christian caring power. Satanand othe r angels,rev 12:9, has been waging war against christians.Cheating techniques have been used in big time races and judgements.Thank you for your time.col3 :11. psalms 99:9-outside pray, Go east Ill, KS!? listen for God straight sraight above. Head west. Jesus loves all the children of the world.watchout for stolen mail, susp crook usa.Hi,altitudeGOD

Peggy Elliott

Posted: July 05, 2009 1:20 AM

I am gratful for this article. During the past month, my husband and I have experienced five friends deaths, all under the age of 52. That being said, going to each funeral always brought to mind my own mortality, which I think about at age 56 and the mortality of my 80 year old mother. My husband is extremely realistic about having conversations about death. He wanted to be a mortician, so it is in his blood so to speak. On the other hand, I must force myself to remember that death is simply a part of life. Some of us get to live longer than others. My mother and I have had the conversation about what to do when she is no longer able to care for herself, assuming God takes her home before He takes me.

Jan	Posted: July 03, 2009 1:48 AM

Beachy and Marianne Miller said it ALL, except for the part where the incest-tolerating, alcoholic "father" has his daily booze at 9:00 a.m. in front of his daughter's toddler/adolescent sons . . . and I will NOT bring my sons around to have them taught that this is "normal". Maybe the writer grew up with Ward and June Cleaver, but many of us grew up in the constant mockery and degradation of poverty, and mental, physical and spiritual ABUSE that the parents keep on doing. It is simply too dangerous to be around some of our "parents" . . who by the way gave a hideous portrayal of what our Father in Heaven is like: a torturer. It took me years with the kindness and patience of a skilled therapist to cope with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder FLASHBACKS, and to learn what Jesus and our Heavenly Father are really like.

George T.

Posted: July 02, 2009 7:10 PM


This can be summed up in one of The Ten Commandments. And as in the law of gravity,you can ignore it, but it is there.

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