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Well, Hollywood is at it again. The evil entertainment empire is loading its guns and taking aim at us Christians, determined to undermine our faith and bring us down.

The Da Vinci Code

They're making a movie of The Da Vinci Code, which we all know is full of lies. All lies! I mean, Jesus and Mary Magdalene getting married and having kids?? Give me a break!

To top it all off, they're doing it with a couple of Good Guys we've come to know and trust—Tom Hanks and Ron Howard. Hanks, who brought us the heroes in Saving Private Ryan and Apollo 13, and our favorite  CGI toy cowboy, Woody! And Howard, the guy behind Cinderella Man, Apollo 13, and Cocoon. Plus, he was Opie AND Richie Cunningham. How can you not love these guys!

I'm feeling betrayed—by Hanks, Howard, and Hollywood. The three lethal H's. They're a threat to me and my faith—and to anybody who claims to be a Christian.

So I have a brilliant idea. When the movie hits theaters on May 19, let's organize a mass boycott and picket lines in front of the theaters. That'll teach 'em. I can't think of a better way to …

Hang on a sec. I just got an urgent e-mail …

Um, that was from Josh McDowell, the famous Christian author and apologist. He says I should actually read the book instead of just dissing it. And consider going to see the movie. What??

McDowell says he's even written a book urging us to engage all things Da Vinci. His e-mail says, "The main purpose of my book is to reinforce Christians' belief and placate their skepticism. If you look carefully, truth will always stand. I look at the book and the movie as a platform for evangelism. A little controversy can be a marvelous tool."

Man, is he naï ve! Everybody knows that if it comes out of Hollywood, it's more powerful than anything we Christians can possibly counter with. We don't stand a chance! But we've got to fight anyway!

So, as I was saying, we should make a big stink about Da Vinci. Remember how effective we were back in '88, when they released The Last Temptation of Christ? We screamed and yelled and wielded our signs: "Blasphemy!" The studio says they got a lot of free publicity when we did that; they claim that our protests actually gave them a boost at the box office. But you know these Hollywood studios. They're always lying!

So, when it comes to Da Vinci, I say we should …

Just a moment. The phone's ringing …

Um, that was Robert K. Johnston, Professor of Theology and Culture at Fuller Seminary. He's telling me, "Belligerence seldom works. It is more for the speaker than the listener."

Yeah, what does he know? Just because he wrote a couple of books (Finding God in the Movies and Reel Spirituality), he thinks he's some kind of "expert" on engaging pop culture. The nerve!

Anyway, back to my point: Remember how we boycotted Disney all those years? Boy, we really showed them! And now they're really trying to kiss and make up. I mean, what other reason could they possibly have for doing The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe?

See how effective boycotts are? We get the movies we want! Belligerence does work! Therefore, I propose that we …

Excuse me, I'm getting an IM here …

Sorry for the interruption. That was George Barna, the Christian pollster. He's rambling on about some "thoughtful and strategic reaction" to Da Vinci. He says maybe we can "use the movie as a springboard for conversation and exploration regarding the roots of the Christian faith." He writes that "66 percent of adults"—George always resorts to statistics to try to "prove" his point!—"say that in a typical week they dialogue with friends and work associates about the content of movies and TV shows they have recently seen. The reach and slant of The Da Vinci Code will raise countless opportunities for open discussion of such matters. Christians who recognize and engage those moments of opportunity can do much to advance the cause of truth."

Sheesh, he's got to be kidding! Nothing is more effective than a picket line for "advancing the cause of truth." I've just finished painting my favorite sign for our picket down at the megaplex: "Dan Brown is a Big Fat Liar!" And on the back side: "So is Ron Howard!" Isn't that great! When people come up to me and ask about it, then I'll really stick it to 'em with the TRUTH of the gospel!

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