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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen hit the big screen for the second time in New York Minute, directed by Dennie Gordon of What A Girl Wants fame and written by newcomer Emily Fox. While the movie has some funny parts (mainly the comic relief elements featuring Darrell Hammond and Andy Richter), you'll really have to suspend your disbelief to think that any of this movie's twists and fiascos could ever happen—starting with the premise that the girls are wanted by a Chinese family that makes its money in pirated music and movies.

Oh, and, like, the dialogue is, like, totally unbelievable.

Mary-Kate and Ashley apparently love a certain city

Minute begins by shedding some light on the extreme differences between twin sisters Jane (Ashley) and Roxy Ryan (Mary-Kate). Jane is anal: she's attached to her Day Planner and uses several seat covers on the toilet in her own bathroom. Roxy, however, ditches school with hand-made excuse forms, has truant officer Max Lomax (Eugene Levy) on her tail, and dreams of a big break for her band in which she plays drums. But Roxy can't seem to catch a break from Jane, even asking her, "Why do you insist on playing Mom?" in response to Jane's need to hold the family together after their mother's death. Needless to say, the twins don't really get along in this Parent Trap wannabe.

The film's story takes place over the course of one day. After their rocky morning (the norm for this household, we are led to believe), Jane and Roxy head to Manhattan on a commuter train. Jane is scheduled to give a speech at Columbia University for a chance to win a scholarship to Oxford University. Roxy is ditching school to see a Simple Plan video shoot. En route, they're both kicked off the train for lack of tickets, then a Chinese man secretly drops a computer chip into Roxy's purse—to avoid handing the chip over to the Feds (of course). And the chaos begins. Enter Bennie Bang (Andy Richter), the "number one adopted son" of Ma Bang and an obvious white man who speaks with a fake Chinese accent. Bennie saw the Chip Incident, and offers the girls a ride to NYC in his limo.

Andy Richter brings some comic relief

In NYC, the girls discover that Bennie is a Bad Guy after all, and they flee—into a series of predicaments as they're pursued by both Bennie and Lomax. Bennie finds Jane's Day Planner, which contains her perfectly prepared speech and all of her money; both girls meet love interests along the way; and all the while, Jane needs to get to Columbia for her speech and Roxy wants to go to the video shoot to hand out demos of her band's CD. Add to the mixture that the film moves faster than a New York minute and asks you to believe in its absurd, crisis-ridden storyline; it's no wonder I felt a bit overwhelmed. The movie needs a rewrite and some Ritalin.

After traipsing through the sewer system to escape Bang and Lomax, the twins eventually end up at Big Shirl's (Mary Bond Davis) House of Bling. The scene, one of the film's highlights, successfully blends several stereotypes (anal, scared white girls meet cool, casual black hairdressers) and results with "sisters" who are "sistahs." Along with big hair and big clothes, Big Shirl dishes up some big wisdom regarding the twins' circumstances: "It's the curveballs that make life interesting." Big Shirl then sends the girls on their way, and the story continues to spiral out of control toward its neatly packaged ending.

Eugene Levy's eyebrows keep growing and growing and …

Despite the hectic pace, there are some moral themes. Screenwriter Fox stresses the importance of family and of respecting one another's differences. At one point, Roxy tells Jane that Mom used to be proud of Roxy's individualistic personality, but Jane sees it as a problem to be fixed. Stretch the theme a bit, and you could come away with a movie that encourages you to honor yourself.

Though just 17, the Olsens are seasoned acting veterans. Minute isn't really a good movie, but their performances are sufficient to display their professionalism and charisma. (The twins not only act in this film, but also gained producer credits.)

New York Minute will resonate with the very tweens who carry the Olsens' billion-dollar franchise (straight-to-video movies, make-up, clothing, toys), but not with many others. Most will likely be checking their watches, probably wishing this Minute were gone in 60 seconds.

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