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Why do "the good guys" need Captain Jack so badly? Well, to ensure box office success, for starters. But Sparrow is also necessary for the reassembling of the Nine Lords of the Brethren Court—the world's foremost pirates. If the Nine can pool their resources, they can muster a mighty last stand against Beckett and his East India Trading Company.

Wait, the Nine what? What is this, The Lord of the Rings? No, not even close. The Nine pirate lords are even more culturally diverse than the fellowship of the ring, and show more personality than Yoda's Jedi council. But I'll take the Jedi, or the Middle-Earth fellowship, any day. The Jedi boasted in honor and ethics. And Frodo kept company with inspiring heroes. In this franchise, it's every man—and woman—for him or herself.

Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and the crew of The Flying Dutchman

Three hours is a long time to sit watching self-centered buffoons scrambling about the deck of an unsteady ship. For all of the talk about love and freedom, these "mateys" are as fickle and reckless as a cafeteria full of juvenile delinquents. Everybody lies to everybody. Understanding their motives and grudges is like trying to comprehend sectarian violence in the Middle East. The movie's most telling scene involves a super-sized Mexican standoff, in which the gunslingers can't decide who to shoot. Who can blame them? They're all losers. Moviegoers might as well root for Lord Beckett.

Thus, the movie ends up like Davy Jones himself—many-tentacled, full of bluster, and devoid of a beating heart.

Even Depp's Captain Jack can't rescue the waterlogged storyline. Sure, he's as entertaining as ever. The screenwriters give him some of the series' funniest lines—Shakespeare would have howled to hear Jack fumble that famous quip about "a woman scorned." But while Jack's moral dilemmas in Dead Man's Chest were a giant step toward meaningful storytelling, here he's not much more than a delusional wisecracker stumbling about on the edges of things. When Will and Liz come to the rescue, they find him lost in a delirium. And once they drag him back into the action, he never really recovers. He's too busy arguing with the voices in his head—or, hair, as the case may be. (And that gag isn't nearly as funny as Verbinski thinks it is.)

Most disappointing of all—what should have been a tragic romance of mythic proportions is little more than a footnote. We finally learn the truth about Davy Jones' broken heart, but that melancholy melody is lost in the din of battleship shootouts. And Jones, a magnificent specter in Dead Man's Chest, is just another action figure in the mob this time around. That deserves a resentful "Arrrrrrr" from all pirate fans.

Captain Sao Feng (Chow Yun-Fat) has a word with Jack

If any of the stories actually tugs at the heartstrings, it's the story of Will Turner's desperate quest to save his father from slavery. Just as Sean Bean's supporting turn as Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring rang out powerfully, so Stellan Skarsgård conveys remarkably poignant emotion in his role as "Bootstrap" Bill. And yet, even that melodramatic tale is overrun by the tidal wave of chaos turned loose by the special-effects team in the sea battle to end all sea battles.

Is there any reason to buy a ticket at all? Oh, yeah. The budget bought some remarkable imagery: the Black Pearl sailing an ocean of sand; an aerial view of a boat sailing through starfields; an underworld of doldrums full of despondent ghosts; and the awe-inspiring return of the goddess Calypso to the ocean. A couple of action sequences—including the intentional capsizing of a ship by its crew—achieve a certain mad brilliance. In the pandemonium of the pirates' climactic war for independence, you'll witness one of the big screen's most ludicrous love scenes. And the ships rock and roll to Hans Zimmer's score, which is as stirring as a storm at sea.

The special effects are on par with last year's spectacular Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. (It's a shame that such life-like action feel so heart-less.) And the greatest special effect in the entire series isn't a special effect at all: It's Keith Richards's impossibly fantastic face. Yes, that's the Rolling Stones axe-swinger himself—the true inspiration for Depp's Jack Sparrow—playing a gravel-voiced veteran of the high seas.

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