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That's a storyline with some weight, but it never takes hold here, mainly because of the film's singular inability to even pretend to take itself seriously. While a certain amount of self-deprecation is healthy (and can be found in the cartoon series), Bay takes it to such protracted lengths that it has no chance of being anything but a caricature.

Bumblebee, an Autobot, helps Sam in the battle

Another subplot—dealing with Section Seven, a shadowy government organization established to protect the AllSpark cube—runs afoul of believability when front man John Turturro arrives in a role so ridiculously over-the-top and lampooned that his preposterousness is topped only by the comic antics of a ridiculous Decepticon named Frenzy who coverts into a beatbox.

Did I expect too much? Did I expect the film to treat the original story as sacrosanct? No. But why can't Transformers take itself seriously? On their face The Lord of the Rings and The Matrix (among so many examples) are preposterous. The reason they work so well is because the filmmakers behind them tackled their subject matter with utter sincerity and absolute seriousness. There was no winking at the audience. They treated their subject matter as if the world they were creating was completely believable—and since they believed in it, so did we.

Bay has no such interest. He is incapable of making a film without his tongue firmly planted in his cheek. Some people find that sort of filmmaking fun and accessible. I find it exasperating, cheap and disrespectful of his viewers. He is out to have a good time at the expense of his material. He cares more about theatrics than substance, more about cheap laughs than genuine humor, more about splashy effects than the heartbeat of a genuine story.

Optimus Prime is here to help save the humans

Not that the actors don't try within the constraints they are given. LaBeouf is one of the finest actors of his generation, and while this is the sort of film that hardly allows him to stretch his wings, it is a nice venue for him to enjoy showing off his comic dexterity and rapid-fire motor mouth. As his love interest, Megan Fox, like the film's CGI, is little more than eye candy—but her skimpy attire and sometimes sexualized body language could lead some teen boys (not to mention grown men) to impure thoughts. Additionally, there's a brief subplot about LaBeouf's character possibly struggling with masturbation.

But the actors here are mere props for Industrial Light & Magic's spectacular CGI, which represents a new high water mark. The robots are so phenomenally detailed that it took supercomputers 38 hours to render just one frame of movement! They move with impressive grace and fluidity, always convincing in terms of weight and proportion. Their metamorphoses are staggeringly complex and, according to the digital artist that created them, done with complete accuracy.

While the effects are extraordinary, at some point it just becomes an overwhelming and indistinguishable deluge of flying wreckage, sporadic explosions, and gnarled heaps of metal. It is all sound and fury, signifying nothing. The film's climax ends too suddenly, resolving itself in a sort of techno-babble conceit that would have us believe that it makes sense merely because that's the way the alien technology works.

Transformers is dumbed-down movie-making. Bay has said the film was crafted to appeal to 9-to-15-year-olds. At the screening I attended, the audience erupted into applause as the closing credits rolled; maybe they were merely getting in touch with their inner children. Just when I felt totally alone in the universe, a man behind me stood, screamed Michael Bay's name, and unleashed a string of profanities. But no matter what the critics say, the film will still be a hit, with Bay laughing all the way to the bank.

Talk About It

1. In what ways is Optimus Prime a Christ figure? Why is the "Christ figure" such a reoccurring, dominant theme in movies?

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