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I Love You, Beth Cooper Our rating: Your rating: 1 2 3 4 Your Comments: see all MPAA rating: PG-13 (for crude and sexual content, language, some teen drinking and drug references, and brief violence) Genre: Comedy Theater release: July 10, 2009 by Fox Directed by: Chris Columbus Runtime: 1 hour 42 minutes Cast: Hayden Panettiere(Beth Cooper), Paul Rust (Denis Cooverman), Jack Carpenter (Rich Munsch), Lauren London(Cammy Alcott), Lauren Storm (Treece Kilmer) Related: Talk About It/Family Corner

As milestones go, graduation from high school is particularly popular in Hollywood. It's like the head cheerleader of Hollywood High, providing fodder for "the one day/night that they'll never forget" fantasy that no nerdy screenwriter can resist. Give me a B! Give me a U! Give me an E! Give me an L! Give me another L! Give me an E! Give me an R! What do you get? If you're lucky, a charming-if-preposterous ode to adolescence.

High school graduation is a hard topic to beat if you're looking for an event that involves a) people who are old enough to drive, b) a sense of entitlement to an extraordinary experience thatpromotes reckless decisions and in turn leads to comedically precarious situations,and c) unabashedly hormone-driven teens. Let the fun begin!

Or rather, in the case of I Love You, Beth Cooper, let the formula begin. Because while the high school graduation genre has produced some gems, this movie is a rather painful exercise in cliché and vulgarity. Being really funny could have gone a long way toward atoning for these sins, but the laughs are too few and far between to offer any mercy.

Paul Rust as Denis, Hayden Panettiere as Beth

Beth Cooper gets off to a bad start with a graduation speech given by nerdy valedictorian Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust) in which he urges his class to speak their own personal truth before heading to college. Cooverman practices what he preaches by using his platform to call it like he sees it, publicly dressing down bullies and proclaiming his secret love for the head cheerleader. While the scene doesn't pack as much punch as you might hope, you gotta respect the kid for giving a speech his classmates will actually remember in twenty years.

Head cheerleader Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere) is amused, amused enough to accept an invitation to show up at Cooverman's house for a graduation party. But when she and her two sidekicks—Cammy (Lauren London) and Treece (Lauren Storm)—show up, it's just Cooverman and his nerd-of-the-movie-buff-variety best friend Rich (Jack Carpenter) at the "party." Lame. Then Cooverman manages to shoot himself in the crotch with a champagne cork. Double lame.

Cammy (Lauren London) and Treece (Lauren Storm) are always hanging with Beth

The party switches into high gear when Beth's "coked-up" bully of a boyfriend (Shawn Robertsas Kevin) and his friends show up to exact revenge for Cooverman's little speech. Fed up with Kevin's rageaholic behavior, Beth manages to rescue Cooverman and Rich from the beating they (and the house) were getting and the five of them are off for a night of adventure.

The first order of business will be surviving Beth's lack of driving skills. This a movie filled with underage drinking, suggested drug use, a group shower scene, and a ménage-à-trois—and arguably the most offensive part was Beth's driving, which would have certainly led to death and dismemberment for anyone in her path. And this is played for laughs! Since when did such enormously reckless driving become a punch line?

And that's in addition to the aforementioned litany of substance abuse and sexual vulgarity. One can also charge Beth Cooper with trading in misogynism. While Beth seems to have a pulse and distinct personality, her two best friends are walking clichés. The ditzy blonde makes cringe-worthy observations and throws herself at just about every guy she meets, including one who had already gotten all "date-rapey" with her. The token black girl surprises everyone when she busts out and recites Shakespeare. Look! She's (gasp!) smart!

Denis and his nerdy buddy Rich (Jack T. Carpenter)

And then there's Denis's former girlfriend, whom he calls his "secret shame" because she's not pretty. She's about as pretty as he is, and for a few moments at the party where she's introduced, I have this bright hope that maybe this movie is about to get interesting. Perhaps Denis is going to ditch Beth (with whom, it should be said, he has no chemistry) and reconnect with his ex. But no. Boys, no matter how dweebish themselves, always go for the head cheerleader. Right. Back. To. The. Formula. 

And not only is this movie formulaic, it's a formula concocted back in the '80s when director Chris Columbus was doing his much better work (The Goonies and Adventures in Babysitting, for example). Seriously. First, the soundtrack features Alice Cooper and Kiss prominently. And the kids go cow-tipping.

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