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Old Dogs Our rating: Your rating: 1 2 3 4 Your Comments: see all MPAA rating: PG (for some mild rude humor) Genre: Comedy Theater release: November 25, 2009 by Walt Disney Pictures Directed by: Walt Becker Runtime: 1 hour 28 minutes Cast: Robin Williams (Dan), John Travolta (Charlie), Seth Green (Ralph), Kelly Preston (Vicki), Connor Rayburn (Zach), Ella Bleu Travolta (Emily), Lori Loughlin (Amanda), Bernie Mac (Jimmy Lunchbox) Related: Talk About It/Family Corner

I can certainly sympathize with longtime favorite actors Robin Williams and John Travolta after all they've endured in recent years. Williams has coped with alcoholism, divorce, and heart surgery, while the Travolta family suffered the tragic loss of 16-year-old son Jett.

But it's much harder to sympathize with a terrible creative decision like Old Dogs, which could best be summed up in one word:

Woof.

Seriously, why do once great actors attach themselves to a dog of a picture like this? Surely they still have standards? Alas, their judgment seems to be fading, as Williams' career continues its self-destructive nosedive, with Travolta seemingly eager to follow.

Dan and Charlie are really stretching things

The trailer for Lost Dogs is unfunny, but explaining the actual plot is even worse. Williams and Travolta respectively play Dan and Charlie, lifelong friends who run a successful sports marketing firm together. How they're successful or why they remain friends is a mystery, since Charlie endears himself to clients by sharing embarrassing personal stories about Dan.

This device provides us with backstory explaining that Dan's wife divorced him seven years ago. To console his friend, Charlie takes him to Miami for a weekend of binge drinking and womanizing—both leading to an accidental marriage that is quickly annulled the next day. Charlie's "punchline" point is that Dan divorced twice within 24 hours.

John Travolta as Charlie, Lori Loughlin as Amanda

Later, Dan learns that his one-night-stand "ex-wife" Vicki (Kelly Preston, Travolta's real wife) wants to get together while she's in town. They meet for lunch and she reveals that he's the father of 7-year-old twins Zach (Connor Rayburn) and Emily (Ella Bleu Travolta in her big-screen debut). In the very model of contrived plotting, she also mentions that she's about to go to prison for a couple weeks because of a protest against a corporation dumping chemicals in her backyard. (The kids, of course, only think she's going to a spa.) After spending the day together, they drop Zach and Emily off with Vicki's best friend, who is suddenly hospitalized by Dan in an unlikely accident.

The plot necessitates that Vicki has no one else to trust her kids with for two weeks, so eager-to-please Dan volunteers to watch them. While saying goodbye, Vicki offers some of the movie's most ridiculous lines. After giving a laundry list of last minute requests and conditions, Vicki removes any chance of common sense in this movie by requesting, "No babysitters! The kids have gone seven years without a dad, so no more strangers." (Right, because Dan has spent so long getting to know them.)

Rita Wilson as Jenna, Robin Williams as Dan

Predictably, Dan ropes in "Uncle Charlie" to help, since he's responsible for the Miami trip in the first place. Which leaves us with yet another clichéd film about inexperienced bachelors trying to be fathers to mischievous kids, all while trying to close the biggest business deal of their careers.

Since there are two "dads," Old Dogs gets to play it both ways—Dan is overprotective, Charlie is irresponsible—and of course, the message is the same as always: Dads need to better prioritize their lives by working less and making more time for their children. Oh misguided, overworked fathers-who-aren't-really-fathers, when will you ever learn to care for the kids you didn't know you had a day ago?

Seth Green (as Craig) gets a gorilla hug

Formula can be forgiven when it's funny, but Old Dogs merely regurgitates convention while stringing together unrelated acts of slapstick and stupidity. Director Walt Becker has yet to prove himself as competent, his only previous hit being Wild Hogs and his next film being Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride.

His work here would best be served in classrooms as an example of how not to make a comedy, with most of the gags telegraphed well in advance, and too often relying on poor taste.

Williams is the worst off—there's nothing he won't do in this movie. See his overly hairy chest get shaved for an absurd tattoo. See him become ridiculously over-tanned at a salon, to the point where he's mistaken for an Indian and a Hispanic in the next scene. See him stand in a bathroom stall talking about where babies come from while his son farts on a toilet. See him smear bear poop on his face and Travolta's. See him get beat up by zealous camp counselors during a supposed game of ultimate Frisbee. See him smack people in the groin with golf equipment. See him behave like an out-of-control puppet, manipulated in an electronic suit by Travolta. See him roll around on the floor in dog food wearing a garish costume while sparks explode out of his pants. Need I say more?

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