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Offer Support, Not Shame

10 things I’ve learned while walking with wives of sexual offenders

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) reports that one in six American women is a victim of attempted or completed sexual assault in her lifetime. Forty-four percent of victims are under the age of 18. The fact that these offenses are being perpetrated so regularly within the church should serve as a severe beacon to the Christian community. Now is the time for raw and regular conversations about healthy sexuality, sexual addiction, and sexual sin. Now is the time to ramp up our best practices and protective policies. Now is also the time to minister to the ones who remain: among them, the wives of sexual offenders.

Over the past eight years as a pastor's wife, the Lord has given me a somewhat bewildering ministry to these women. I love them heartily and consider it my great privilege to offer support and shelter. But I've yet to experience much in ministry that comes close to this kind of confusion and devastation. Lives ripped apart. Innocence shattered. Hearts broken.

In some instances, these sexual offenders have been my friends and ministry partners. I've felt, as you'd expect, betrayed and completely duped. In other situations, I have never met the husbands but have watched these wives navigate a new existence: life with a spouse behind bars.

Mostly I've seen the church wrap their arms around these women, helping with unpaid rent and medical bills, offering employment opportunities and emotional support. However, a handful of people have lacked civility.

Cornered by well-meaning folks in the church, some of these wives have been forced to listen to unsolicited, and frankly, shameful advice: Don't you understand you will never have couple friends again? Surely you know you have biblical grounds for divorce. If you stay with him, you will never see my children. My personal favorite is this: You'll never have a future in ministry or missions or leadership. A close second: Your life will be eternally marked by this.

Listen, I get it. I get angry. I scream in my pillow. I stay up nights praying protection over my own children. I kick-box and punch the air.

But it's taken some time and more than a few feet in my mouth (Just knee him where the sun don't shine, pack your bags, and leave him already!) to realize one thing: shaming these women will not inspire them to courage.

In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't), Dr. Brené Brown tells the story of working with the clinical director of a treatment facility for children. This man set the course of Dr. Brown's research when he made the following statement: "I know you want to help these kids, but you must understand this: 'You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.' "

This is especially true for wives who have been manipulated and lied to for years. Yes, some have been so abused and brainwashed they need gentle friends to light their way out. However, for the wife who is just beginning to maneuver this upside-down world, it is essential to remain patient as you offer support. Here are 10 insights which have helped me regain composure (after those angry shadow-boxing sessions) and remain compassionate:

1. She has to re-imagine her entire life. All of her dreams, goals, and wishes have been darkened by his actions. She needs time to do so.

2. She is facing the reality of new financial burdens. She has moved from two salaries to one. She has unpaid bills and possible back rent or an unpaid mortgage. In some cases, she is also discovering his secret credit card bills (and the painful activities on those statements).

3. She understands the gravity of her husband's depravity, and she does not need you to remind her. For now, she needs someone to let her grieve, listen to her vent, and walk by her side.

4. She is contemplating everything you wish she would—from divorce to the aforementioned kicking him where the sun don't shine. Those things are on her mind. She just may not be verbalizing them yet. She doesn't need you to push her to do those things now. However, she might need you to delicately encourage her to separate from her spouse—which will mean a need for practical help on your end. (We've had women move in with us for a time while they were sorting through their emotions and decisions.)

5. She is dealing with criminal hearings for the first time in her life—something she never imagined she'd walk through, especially regarding her husband.

6. She is suffering on behalf of his shame. She has most likely chosen to leave a church she loved, because her husband was asked to leave. She may be "welcome" there, but she feels like a pariah whenever she walks through the doors.

7. She is a victim, but she may not realize it yet. Most likely, she believes the lie that his actions are her fault, that she has not been a godly or sexually satisfying wife.

8. She still sees her husband as the man she made vows to. She loves him and probably believes he is not beyond the scope of Gods' transformational grace. Right or wrong, she wants you to love her husband too. (Loving does not mean you ignore reality. She may need to be reminded that God's grace and your love can reach behind the bars of prison.)

9. She needs to see a professional counselor and/or a support group. She might need help paying the counselor's fees or co-pay, but it is good for her to invest something in it as well.

10. She needs friendship. Don't wonder if you should reach out, text, or email. Just do it. No one wants to be bombarded by gossipmongers, but she needs people to err on the side of calling and sending prayerful notes and gifts. (Grocery store and gas cards are another concrete way to offer support. See number 4.)

I've often turned to Psalm 138:3–8 as a guidepost for prayer over these wives: "As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength. Every king in all the earth will thank you, Lord, for all of them will hear your words. Yes, they will sing about the Lord's ways, for the glory of the Lord is very great. Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

I believe God can bring healing and justice for all the victims of these awful situations, including the wives. I can't wait for the day, emboldened and stouthearted in the Lord, these precious women walk, once again, in dignity—untainted and unfettered by shame.

Aubrey Sampson is a pastor's wife and stay at home mom to three boys, which is to say she spends most days in her pajamas drinking way too much coffee. On the days she manages to get dressed, Aubrey writes and speaks on overcoming shame through Christ. Aubrey's book on overcoming shame will be published with Zondervan in 2015. She is about to set off on a church planting adventure with her husband. You can find Aubrey at www.aubreysampson.com and follow her @aubsamp.

July03, 2014 at 8:00 AM

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