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Faithful through the Ages

A case for intergenerational communities
Faithful through the Ages

Several years ago, we were invited to join a small group which met weekly on Friday nights. We arrived the first night with our young kids in tow, eager to connect with other couples in a similar age and stage. What we found was a much more blended group of couples, ranging in age from their thirties to their seventies. My first thought? Awkward! This is not what I expected. I’m not sure this is going to be a fit for us.

We decided to give it a try because we connected well with several of the couples. We have been part of this intergenerational community now for three years. Here is what I can say now about this experience, with a bit more perspective:

Intergenerational community is more complex and far more rewarding.

Stella* leaned in and grabbed my arm. “It’s Alzheimer’s Disease,” she confided. She wasn’t telling me anything I hadn’t already figured out. John’s behavior had been erratic for months. He couldn’t place us, although we’d been meeting together for two years. Sometimes his signature smile was gone and he seemed irritated or grouchy. Sometimes John remembered to give out the Werther’s candies to our kids, and sometimes they lay forgotten in his pocket these days.

“He started getting lost years ago when he was driving home from work. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you all for weeks now because I know he is getting worse,” Stella whispered as tears welled in her blue eyes. I hugged my friend and thought about how our small group might support our eldest couple on the difficult road ahead.

Shepherding a group felt easier to me when everyone was at a similar age and stage. Sometimes in a homogenous group there are three or four babies being born all around the same time, and members feel the strain of meeting those needs. But if you’ve had a baby, you know exactly how to support the pregnant woman in your group. Make her a meal! Help her get a nap.

I’ve never had Alzheimer’s disease, nor do I have firsthand experience with a family member suffering from this disease. So I prayed for wisdom.

Perhaps part of the answer to that prayer came as I watched Stella protect John’s dignity and show him the utmost respect, even as he was slipping away. Coming alongside this couple would make me wiser—much less so because of what I could offer, and more so because of what I could learn.

As I sat with Stella in the week following John’s passing, she told me about his final moments. I left with a simple prayer, “Thank you for Stella. Comfort her as she grieves, Lord, and please help me to be the kind of wife Stella has been.” Spiritual formation occurred in the ordinary moments of watching Stella care for John; I was growing closer to God and becoming a better wife because of Stella’s daily, Christ-like example. The challenge of losing a spouse is more common in intergenerational community: my friends in their 30’s and 40’s are not typically walking this road. If it weren’t for an intergenerational group, I would have missed learning important life lessons from Stella.

Intergenerational community results in richer connection and a deeper context for spiritual growth.

“I’ve got another book for you,” Gregg, a small grouper in his late sixties, said, holding out a new commentary. “I thought this one should be in your library.” I accepted the gift with gratitude. Gregg is always ready to talk about my call to pastor, to pass along knowledge and his most-loved books and commentaries. He and his wife, Julie, are quick to affirm my call.

Since my grandparents have been gone for years, and my father also passed away in his fifties, Gregg and Julie feel like extended family to me. They believe in me, and they call me forward. Gregg and Julie have led small groups and ministries for years, yet they come to the group that my husband and I lead and willingly participate. They do not try to take it over; they simply join and support. Oh, and they bring donut holes or homemade goodies. Our seniors are very good about feeding the group.

As families find themselves spread apart geographically more than ever before, this sort of mentoring and investing in the lives of others across generations becomes more important. Our faith family fills gaps where we feel the separation from our first family. This is another benefit of intergenerational group life.

“What risks are you taking now?” Gregg will ask from time to time. He listens with care to my response. I confess my nervousness over a situation, and Julie tells me about how she handled something similar years ago. She reminds me of God’s faithfulness as she runs her fingers through a grey tumble of curls. I listen to Julie carefully when she speaks, and I seek out her opinion. She is wise from years of personal experience, and she has earned the right to speak truth into my life.

Intergenerational community helps you to avoid becoming stagnant.

Before joining a more diverse small group, I gathered mostly with people who looked just like me. Initially, this sort of community feels rewarding because there is so much commonality and the early connections are easy. Conversation comes easily. We share many experiences and life situations.

After a few months, groups which are so similar can stagnate so that the conversation and insights stop feeling fresh. Suddenly all the examples feel similar in a way that makes nothing feel original. Participants realize that they could be sharing exactly what the person on their right or left just shared, and the time starts to fall flat. There are only so many ways, after all, to talk about the same things.

Insert some people who are not a mirror of your own age and stage, and the group immediately feels more dynamic. There are always things to talk about because individuals around the circle experience life and perceive faith differently. Experience is a great teacher, and often older members bring a level of wisdom to the table that the group would not experience without them.

If, on our first visit to an intergenerational group, I had judged the seniors in the room instead of getting to know them, I would not have these insights. I would not have been shaped by the friendships of an older generation because I would not have been wise enough to seek out these meaningful relationships. Because of this intergenerational experience, though, I am now drawn to the older population when I enter a room. I realize that seniors have so much to offer in a community of faith. In my experience, intergenerational community is multifaceted and deep. Like mining for a gem, this community takes time and a steady hand, and the stunning result of a commitment to intergenerational community is worth the effort.

* The names in this article have been changed to protect the privacy of those whose stories I am sharing.

Christy Foldenauer is a preacher, Bible-teacher, and writer. She serves as discipleship pastor at Gayton Church in Richmond, Virginia, and holds a master's degree in Theological Studies from Baptist Theological Seminary of Richmond.


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