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How to Lead Dominating Male Leaders

Three things I’ve learned as I’ve led dominant men

It’s a good thing I didn’t know all of the challenges I would face when I first became a lead pastor. If I had, I may have done a “Jonah” and ran in the opposite direction. I had no idea how many different hats I would need to wear or how many diverse personality types I would have to learn to relate to.

As a recovering people pleaser, one of the most challenging people groups for me to lead in the church are strong, dominating male leaders. In the DiSC Profile, men and women whose personalities are strong and dominating usually fall into the D category. When the score on the DiSC Profile shows people with a D personality trait that’s significantly higher than the other three, they are referred to as a “high D personality.”

One of the things I love most about people with high D personalities is that, according to DISC Insights, “they think about big picture goals and tangible results. They are bottom-line organizers that can lead an entire group in one direction. They place great value on time frames and seeing results.” They are great leaders to have in any organization, and they know how to get things done.

Still, the D stands for dominant. High D personalities almost always prefer to lead, rather than follow. This makes them a challenge to lead. One of their biggest weaknesses is that “they tend to overstep authority, as they prefer to be in charge themselves. At times they can be argumentative and not listen to the reasoning of others.”

The Gender Difference

Even though both men and women can be high D personality types, I find it easier to lead women who have this personality than men who do. I have many theories on why. First of all, men and women communicate differently. Studies have shown that women use an abundance of non-verbal communication such as making eye contact, gesturing, and using animated facial expressions. It also seems that women communicate with more warmth and connectivity than men.

I also recognize that males may be more difficult for me to lead because of my past experiences. My father was a high D and portrayed some of the more negative sides of the dominant personality in his parenting style. As a lead pastor, I’ve also had several negative experiences with high D male leaders in ministry, and I know these factor into my future interactions with high D men.

Third, the culture that my generation grew up in, and the culture that still exists today, is usually a male-dominated—especially in church leadership. The truth is, I am much more used to being led by men than leading them. And without many women leaders, there are still too few role models for women leaders to emulate. Thankfully, things are slowly beginning to change.

Three Things I’ve Learned

I never thought that as a lead pastor I’d spend so much time learning to lead, communicate, and relate to various personality types. And wouldn’t you know, I now have three strong male leaders who are all high D personalities that I work side-by-side with in ministry every day. Two of them are on my leadership team (Elders) and one of them is my son, who is also a pastor in our church. Here are three of the most important things I’ve learned by working with high D male leaders through the years:

1. Don’t take it personally.

High D personalities tend to be direct and blunt when they communicate. This has been an especially difficult challenge for me as a high I personality. I want everyone to like me, and the style in which most high Ds communicate makes me feel like they dislike or disrespect me as a leader.

Their blunt style of communication can come across as criticism, even when it’s not meant to be. I have one leader who often says to me, “You need to . . .” which insinuates to me that I’m the one doing wrong. As a result, I would often go into a defensive position and get mad. Even if I didn’t show it on the surface, underneath I was seething.

Over time these feelings would build up to a point where I blew up—at least a little. Once I blurted out: “You just crossed a line you shouldn’t have crossed!” The other leader was totally shocked! He had no idea that he was communicating in a way that I found offensive. He felt bad and, of course, I felt bad for my outburst. But I have to say, it did lead to some very healthy communication for us and a chance to clear the air and come to an understanding of each other’s communication styles that we didn’t have before. We talked about the DiSC Profile, and it was a helpful way to defuse any wounded personal feelings brought into our relationship.

I had a similar confrontation with another strong male leader at a meeting with several other church members present. Anger had been building up in me regarding previous statements he’d made. The fact that I wasn’t feeling good that night and that I was overworked and overtired added hugely to my frame of my mind that evening.

He said something I found very offensive, and I immediately went into defense mode and told him he was arrogant. While he may have deserved to be called out, I didn’t do it the right way. I didn’t even recognize myself in that moment! This man is someone that I respect and love with all my heart, and I deeply regret my reaction. Fortunately, our relationship was strong enough to survive that unfortunate incident, and I thank God for the gift of forgiveness and grace.

2. Create boundaries.

With any strong leaders in your church, male or female, there will almost always come a time when you will likely need to draw a line in the sand with them. People will test you to see just where your line in the sand happens to be. It’s important to set and communicate healthy boundaries in love and grace.

You also need to be aware of “over-familiarity,” which often happens in churches and social settings. When the people in our churches feel like they’re good friends with us, they may come to expect certain things. When things don’t go as expected, it can breed contempt. When you draw lines in the sand to create healthy boundaries, you may find that people who once adored suddenly start testing you with inappropriate tonality and comments. This can be an enemy to pastors who are down-to-earth and transparent with their people.

To be clear, all four of the DiSC personality types can fall into this trap of over-familiarity, and for the most part, I don’t find this difficult to deal with. But high D personalities who do this are especially difficult for me to deal with. Truth be told, it’s hard for me to admit that strong, dominant males intimidate me at times. I’m grateful to know that God is always with me to give courage and strength.

When I feel that one of my male leaders is being a bit too aggressive and dominating, I pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to him. Honestly, I’m amazed, time after time, at the positive results. Prayer works! When you know someone has the Holy Spirit in them, pray, give it time, and expect the Spirit will speak to them.

But realize that often prayer needs to be paired or followed with some type of action. A confrontation when leading dominant personalities is usually inevitable. But don’t panic. Remember: conflict is not a bad thing. Once you’ve prayed, you’ll have the courage to speak truth in love and draw your line in the sand with wisdom and grace.

3. Rely on God.

I like to say: Remember to FROG every relationship. FROG stands for “Fully Rely on God.” And that means keeping a teachable spirit before the Lord. Second John 2:27 says, “But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he lives within you, so you don’t need anyone to teach you what is true. For the Spirit teaches you everything you need to know, and what he teaches is true—it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.”

It has taken me way too many years to realize that God will help, teach, and direct me in every relationship I have. But one requirement is that I remain open, teachable, and accountable to him.

He reminds me often that I bring baggage into every relationship. I definitely have baggage when it comes to communicating with high D personalities. I have control issues and I can easily overreact if I believe someone is trying to dominate or control me. I need to allow the Lord to speak into that area of my heart and surrender it over and over again. I need to pray continually for the Holy Spirit to lead me so my flesh doesn’t overreact to perceived criticism. I need to continually give grace to others because I know I need lots of grace myself. I need to continue to learn to communicate better with all different personality types.

My favorite definition of leadership in the church is by John Maxwell: "Leadership is Influence. Nothing more. Nothing less." The key to influencing others has everything to do with showing that you respect them, no matter what. You don’t have to agree with someone in order to let them know that you full-heartedly respect them. This changes disagreements from personal attacks to discussion points. Yes, it can be very difficult for women to lead strong male leaders in the church. But if we think of leadership more as influence, it can totally change the way we see it, giving us a much-needed boost of confidence.

Linda A. Wurzbacher is Lead Pastor of Blessed Hope Community Church in Rochester, New York.

April28, 2016 at 8:00 AM

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